Brothers, stop doing this! This applies to even you, Mr Pious!

Bismillaahi rahmanir raheem

Last night I had a phone conversation with a close friend which left me quite annoyed. Annoyed slash angry slash disappointed. Our conversation ended with a topic which left a sour taste in my mouth. Now, instead of going on a full blown rant about this certain 'thing' which a significant amount of brothers tend to do, I will illustrate to you a scenario and perhaps that will be a more effective way to make you understand what I am trying to tell you here.

The scenario:

Sa'diyah is 20. She comes from a good Islamic family and has been brought up well. She has for her whole life abstained from premarital relationships, friendships with the opposite gender, she covers in hijab and tries her best to keep her gaze lowered.

A brother who attends the same university as Sa'diyah, has become interested in marrying her and quite rightly so, she appears to be a chaste woman. Unable to get to her parents, he lets her know that he is interested in meeting her wali. Sa'diyah agrees and tells the brother she will inform her parents.

The brother admits he would have preferred to speak to her wali directly instead of having to speak with Sa'diyah before hand. The encounter between Sa'diyah and the brother, Yahya, is sift. No long conversation, no chit chat. She gives her father's name, phone number and the masjid he attends. Yahya thanks her and says he will contact her wali. End of conversation.

Sa'diyah has never been proposed to, therefore it's her first time that she realises a man is attracted to her deen and her beauty. There are a million thoughts and emotions running through Sa'diyah's head and heart. She is absolutely flattered, she's excited, she's nervous, she cannot believe a brother is interested in her, she feels beautiful, she wants to begin a family, she wants to be the perfect wife and she wishes also to be the perfect mother. You get the picture, this is a virgin girl who is about to get to know a man.

Sa'diyah now wishes to tell her parents beforehand, that a brother will call her father and visit them. This is one of the most difficult things ever that she has to do. She has never spoken to her parents about marriage, let alone spoken about men! She is their little girl, their innocent little girl and now she has to tell them she 'wants' a man?! Sa'diyah is overridden by nerves and feels her heart in her throat.

She doesn't know where to begin. How to tell them. Does she tell her mother, then her father or does she sit them both down and tell them together? How should she say it? What if they assume she spends her time at university speaking unlawfully with brothers all the time? What if they are disgusted by her? What if they say no?

Despite feeling sick, she eventually plucks up the courage to tell her parents. She tells her mother first. Her mother's reaction is surprise. Sa'diyah then regrets it and tells her mother not to inform her father because now she is reconsidering if she even wishes to get married any more. Sa'diyah's mother doesn't listen and tells her father. Again, you get the picture. This is one of the most embarrassing, scary, uneasy encounters a young woman will have with her parents.

You now know what it feels like to be Sa'diyah. Well not exactly, but you have some sort of insight now.

The brother,Yahya decides that he keeps quiet and doesn't call the father. For various reasons, he has yet to be 100% sure if he is ready for a wife, he is having 2nd thoughts, etc etc.

A lot of brothers tend to do this nowadays. They tell a sister they wish to marry her, she tells her parents asap - especially if the brother is a stranger to her parents and she doesn't want to proceed unlawfully. Yet brothers leave the sister to confront her parents with one of the toughest things ever she has to do in her unmarried life, and suddenly the brother is taking his time or disappears completely!

Please stop this brothers. If you wish to marry a sister then make sure that your words are followed up by actions. Not only do you humiliate the sister by leaving her parents asking her endless questions about when you will turn up but you hurt her feelings too.

Brother, if you want a sister to speak with her wali make sure that you will certainly VISIT or CALL. There is nothing worse you can do than to humiliate a chaste sister. Indeed actions are judged by intentions, however we must follow up our intentions with action. Sa'diyah and Yahya are quite obviously fictional characters, yet ask our sisters today if they been through something as similar to Sa'diyah's situation, a significant amount will say yes. And how do sisters view brothers who do this? To put it bluntly, they are cowards.

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I want a Sheikh!

Assalam 'Aleikum all,

I know I'm a roll lately - but blogging is fun and this topic is jokes so ya'll forgive me 'ey!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh? Like.. a Sheikh with the voice of Shuraim, the khushu' of Budair, the deepness of voice of Hudhaify, who can make beautiful duas like Sudais, with the emotion of Muhaisini?!      For real!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh with deep understanding of the very complicated areas of fiqh. Like if she asks him: What's the ruling on X or Y ; well he's straight: 'Qalaa Allaah wa Qalaa Rasuul..' [Allaah said, the Prophet said..]

• They want a Sheikh who has knowledge of ahadiths and who could narrate the Seerah to her as her bedtime story. (I'm serious) 'So, Habibti, the Battle of Tabuk happened and the troops got ready.. hbiba, wake up I'm not finished.. ZzzZz'..                             Beautiful!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who will softly -I said softly- sprinkle droplets of water on her gentle little face to wake her up for Qiyaam-ul Layl every evening? Not only that, but since he's a hafiz.. well he can read the nice long surahs of the Glorious Qur'an with a soothing recitation that humbles the nafs to the max.      Awesome right?

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who also has a good profession [£ + $ = kerching!!!] and who can provides well for her. They want a Sheikh who's up-to-date with the latest technologies and can text whilst driving single-handedly and with his elbow on the window side.    You know what I mean!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who attends all 5 prayers in the masjid (YES! Even the Fajr salaah), looking boom in his Khamis with a miswaak in the mouth and reciting the adkaar when going to and from the masjid.            Mashallaah!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who can sometimes surprise her at the most unexpected of times and not just bring flowers at home. Something like: 'Here's your tickets for Hajj my dear'      How romantic!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who is fluent in 'arabic and jungles between the 'Na'am', 'Ya3ni, Ya3ni' and 'Hayakallaah wa Barakallaah Feekum wa Jazakumullaah Kheiran Kathiran'     Ya3ni The language is important!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who is respectful, honest, kind-hearted, romantic, humble, generous, patient ect..ect.. I'm afraid the list is very Long indeed.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

Because, we dream too much :-p       *Wakey wakey* Such an individual probably does Not exist and even if he does, then he's probably somewhere faaaar! So, let's not make our expectations high especially when you, yourself are struggling with the minimum. There's nothing wrong in having minimum expectations, but please nothing like what I've mentioned above because it's just fairyland. I know, we all wish it was true.. I know! In Jannaah bi-ithnilaah if we make it we'll have all that and much more!

PS: When I'm saying 'Sheikh' I do not mean it in the literal meaning of the word which means: Old man but in the religious sense: someone knowleageable


Umm.Z

Appearances CAN be Deceiving!

This is a deep statement so let's take a few minutes to think over it inshallaah: 'Appearances can be deceiving'.

^^Aaah, *the dream*

I believe most of us if not all, when we pass by a sister fully covered in dark clothings, layers upon layers with just eyes left to be seen or just a face, we feel impressed, we feel amazed and maybe we whisper dua for her whilst walking by (I know I do). Similarly, when we see a brother who's beard is just outstandingly well-oiled and his khamis amazingly well-ironed and above the ankles with a beautifully tied 'imamaah; we immediately feel shy (for sisters) and we all want him (sisters anyway lol).

So when it comes to Zawaj, well it's not a secret that all the sisters want the prototype I've described above with differences varying from one to another BUT under any circumstance the beard's gotta be there and highly visible if possible. Also, for brothers, one of the first questions is always: 'Does she wear this? Or does she wear that?' She wears a blue jilbab?! Naah, she aint good then'. Oh yes, I've heard of that!

Now, let's hold on a second or two..

WHY are these outside appearances so crucial to us when marrying someone? Since WHEN do clothes tell you what kind of person you are? HOW can clothes say how practising one is? I personally believe it dangerous to give that much importance to 'clothes'. Na'am, I agree that as one becomes more knowledgeable and more aware of the Deen then there comes along a change in his/her style of clothing. Fair enough: for sisters, usually the change consists in longer and looser clothes and for brothers, well looser clothes too and a beard does the job I guess.

 In all honesty, I get absolutly thrilled when I see my brothers & sisters dressed according to the teachings of the Qur'an & Sunnah, I feel proud.  However, I find it disturbing when you ask Sister X for what she looks for in a brother and her answer is: A beard or An 'Imamaah. 0_o    Hellooo?

Okay now, let's read this narration by Sahl Bin Sa'd as Sa'idi [R.A] who said: Once while the Prophet sallaah Allaah aleihi wa salaam was sitting with some of his companions, a man passed by them. The Prophet salaah Allaahu aleihi wa salaam asked one of his companions: 'What do you think of this man?' Some of them said: 'This is from among the noble people. By Allaah, if he seeks marriage, he will be married; and if he intercedes, his intercession will be granted.' The Prophet sallaah Allaahu aleihi wa salaam didn't say anything. Another man then passed by them, and the Prophet asked again: 'What do you think of this man?' Some of them said: 'This is one of the poor Muslims. It is expected that if he seeks marriage, he will not be married; if he intercedes, his intercession will not be granted: and if he speaks, no one will listen to him.'


Allaah's Messenger sallaah Allaahu 'aleihi wa salaam then said:

'This man is better than an earth-full of the likes of the other man.'

[Bukhari &Muslim] 

Subhanallaah, with just this *one* narration, we see how appearances are NOT everything. This man who from outside seemed poor and maybe not so good-looking is much better than the noble, probably rich and good-looking one. There's a lesson here for us to take. I'm sure we're all pretty much well aquainted with the ahadith mentionning what we should look for in a woman and in a man. For the woman, 'choose the one with deen and manners and you'll be successful' as for the man, 'when a man with good character and deen comes, do not refuse him' [Quickly summarised, you can always check the full narrations inshallaah]

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters do not be deceived by looks: there's no guarantee that this beautifully veiled sister prays Qiyaam-Layl everynight, nor is there any guarantee that this beautifully bearded brother is a hafiz of the Glorious Qur'an. Also, another humble advise of mine: 'Do not expect too much' and inshallaah I aim to dedicate a post on this topic soon, but do not expect what you, yourself don't do.

If I was to give you a confidence, I've always thought brothers who cannot grow a beard or only have a small beard are more sincere?  And perhaps more humble because no one really realises they're practising, it's between them & Allaah. Whereas when your beard can be seen miles away, people know the 'Sheikh is in town' so better be careful not to let riya cripping in.  I know it's a generalising comment and possibly not true but it's something I've always held for truth. Not that it matters much anyway.

All the best!

Umm.Zaid

Culture vs Deen

Assalam 'aleikum waRahmatulaah waBarakatuh,

Wow- it has really been a long time since I last posted and wrote on here. My apologies everybody, I know we should try to keep posting regularly and we'll try our best to keep up with the rhythm, particularly myself.

I know many of you guys have suggested possible topics we could write about, and tonight I've chosen to talk about a sensitive issue which everybody to an extent is affected by in their lives. The issue of Culture vs Deen. We find 'culture' creeping into our lives but weirdly enough, even more so when it comes to Zawaj. So, what are we to do?

Now, I'm not saying all cultures are wrong and that it's all against our Deen but we cannot deny that in most cases, a part of it is in opposition to our Deen which makes it hard for young people desiring to make Zawaj among other things all halal to proceed with. Okay, let me give you some examples:

1) Sometimes because of culture, the girl's voice and choice are not considered at all in the most extreme cases. Almost as though, she's not the one getting married but her father, uncle or brother is. The dowry is not handed over to her, nor is she given the choice of what she wants as her mahr. This is a clear violation of the Deen and this type of culture should be not be tolerated. Let's see what Our Lord Allaah [swt] says regarding this:

“And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr with a good heart.”
[al-Nisa’ 4:4] 

When we are confronted with something like this where the culture is in blatent conflict with the Deen, there's no negotiations which should be entered and once you know the Truth it is Your duty as a Muslim, to speak against it, to stand up and denounce it. Use hikmah, use patience and use all tools necessary to make yourself heard and perform Jihad [struggle]. By the way, from among the difference types of Jihad, one of its highest branches is to speak a word of truth in front of a tyrant ruler. Imagine yourself in that scenario and try your best.

2) Sometimes because of culture, parents seem to be the thoughest barrier to overcome. In most cases, they got married back home at a time where the Deen wasn't the most important thing in the different societies they lived in. They met in various circumstances, met up, joked and studied together before making the choice to marry. So, for them that's their criterion and if you, as their child turn up and say: 'Erm, I don't want to do that' well, be ready to have your reasons backed up with dalils and ayaats because trust me, you'll be questioned!

3) Sometimes because of culture, marriage and wedding ceremonies are just too much hassle for young people. The expenses are way too high and some may even start to think that it's not such a good idea to get married because you'll be so much in debt. It seems as though most of culture is negative and contradicts most of what our beautiful Deen stands for. Look at what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of marriage is that which is made easiest.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ Subhanallaah, can you get clearer than this?

These are just a few examples that came up to me, however I'm sure there's more and we'd like to hear from you inshallaah.

'Deen vs Culture': a dilemma, a challenge faced by us as young Muslims living in the West. I've realised that this conflict is most apparant when it comes to freemixing and marriage. In those two cases, it's a heachache trying to tell Mom or Dad that: 'No, that uncle is not my mehram so I can't even shake his hand' or that ' No, she's my cousin, I can't drop her off on my own'.

Therefore it's our duty to educate ourselves and then to pass on that knowledge to our parents & families in the best of manners. Now, culture can also be good and it is not always to be rejected as long as it doesn't override our Islamic principles. Nikkah for example, is one of the many aspects of the Arab culture which has been embraced in Islam and is a Sunnan of our beloved Prophet sallaah Allaahu 'aleihi wa salaam. Learn your culture but also learn your Deen and know what comes first and where does one stop and the other begin.

And Allaah [swt] knows best.
Umm.Zaid

Did my question offend you brother?

Bismillah.
Sister, have you ever felt like you want to ask your potential husband a question but feel as if he is going to be 'put off' if you do ask?
Brother, has a sister interested in marrying you ever offended you by asking the dreaded question?

"WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?"

Okay, so it might not be the most dreaded scariest question ever (especially if his job isn't an issue) but for some brothers and sisters it can be an uncomfortable question to raise.

I, for instance (like many other sisters) feel that if you do ask the above question, you might perhaps be labelled by your potential husband as a gold digger, or an individual who is more concerned about his wealth, status and job. Some sisters however feel that they have the right to ask and are most definitely not afraid to do so. Whereas there may be some shyer sisters, who imagine, that in his mind he is thinking:

"Oh so Umm Mus'ab, is my job more important that my eman?"

"Sister, you are judging me on my secular education, rather than my Islamic knowledge"

" You sisters these days, are so superficial. May Allah guide you all. Why does it matter if I work in a factory or work for a multimillionaire business?"

"Is this question really necessary? Instead of scrutinizing my taqwa (piety), you scrutinize my job title. Allahu akbar!"

It may be an uncomfortable question for some sisters to ask and for some brothers to answer, especially since the young alhamdulilah are deciding to adhere to the Sunnah and marry young. A young brother may not have got a great job with wonderful pay or he may not even have a job at all and just be in education, so did her question offend you brother?

Brother, make your money and then come to me! 

Us sisters love the hadeeth about 'Abdur-Rahman bin 'Auf and Sad bin Ar-Rabi' Al Ansari.When Abdur Rahman migrated Madinah with nothing a man of Ansar (Sad bin Ar-Rabi') offered to look after him, for the sake of Allah. Sad said that he would split half of his wealth with Abdur Rahman and would divorce one of his wives for him. The people of Ansar had shown great love to the Migrants from Makkah, after the Prophet had explained to them about brotherhood. Abdur Rahman kindly refused the offer and decided that he would make his own money and then get married.


- 'Abdur-Rahman replied, "May Allah bless you with your wives and property. Kindly show me the market." So 'Abdur-Rahman went to the market and gained (in bargains) some dried yoghurt and some butter. After a few days the Prophet saw Abdur-Rahman with some yellow stains on his clothes and asked him, "What is that, O 'Abdur-Rahman?" He replied, "I had married an Ansari woman." The Prophet asked, "How much Mahr did you give her?" He replied, "The weight of one (date) stone of gold." The Prophet said, "Offer a banquet, even with one sheep." (Bukhari) 1

But sister, remember hadeeth of the man who had nothing and married a woman, the mahr was only to teach her the Qur'an? 

This is a famous hadeeth and I know brothers must love quoting it when sisters try to go crazy about the dowry. This hadeeth is about a man who had nothing to give a woman that he wished to marry and after searching for things to give her Rasoolullah (SAW) said that the man should teach her the Qur'an


- So that man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart). When Allah's Apostle saw him going, he ordered that he be called back. When he came, the Prophet said, "How much of the Quran do you know?" He said, "I know such Sura and such Sura," counting them. The Prophet said, "Do you know them by heart?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Go, I marry her to you for that much of the Quran which you have."  (Bukhari)  2

Your potential husbands job may be an issue and you have every right to ask since he will be the provider of the household, but it becomes a problem when it is your biggest concern. When you put his job or career before anything else. And it becomes a disaster if you reject him because of this. We don't want the conversation between two potential partners to look like this:

Sister: Masha Allah, how much Qur'an have you memorized?

Brother: Alhamdulilah I have memorized from Juz Ama to Surah Ra'd 

Sister: Masha Allah, so what do you do for a living?

Brother: I am a primary school teacher. I teach Arabic.

Sister: Really? Cool. So what's the pay like?

Brother: Alhamdulilah it's not bad... 

Sister: So, can you afford to go on holidays?

Brother: Erm well, I am saving for a trip to Umrah in sha Allah

Sister: Okay, so you don't go on holidays regularly?

Brother: You know some times, it's quite expensive to go.

Sister: Hmm true. So were do you do your food shopping?

Brother: (laughs) Ermm at Walmart. Why does that matter?

Sister: You shop at Walmart?! Okay, sorry. I am not ready for marriage.

Do not spread fitnah my dear sisters! Part 2 coming soon in sha Allah.
---------------
1  Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 10 
 2 Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 24 (for full hadeeth)

Why weep at your friend's wedding?

Bismillah, Asalamu alaikum. 

A few weeks ago, perhaps even a month now, a good friend of mine got married alhamdulilah. So leading up to the wedding, I was extremely excited for her and wished that the Nikkah would be over and done with ASAP! The nikkah day came, quicker than I had anticipated, then it was time for the women to come together for the walimah in the evening. Now, I will admit that I am not a keen wedding go-er. To be blunt, I dislike going to weddings. Not the actual occasion but the stress that a young woman has to go through before turning up at a wedding. I am not so sure about other cultures but in my culture the women are very glamorous looking at weddings, and of course to achieve this you have to plan step by step how you are going to acheive looking like an amazingly beautiful woman who looks nothing like you that night. Inevitably most women are eyeing each other up. This is what I dislike. The eyeing up part. It's all well and fun imagining what you are going to wear and how you will do your hair but with me when the day comes, I don't even want to get out of bed. So, my friend's wedding came. Too early for me. The night before I went on a rant about how stressful we make weddings, and the next day, I was grumpy. But of course I ended up at the wedding. Obviously. 

All the women and children stood up for the bride was about to enter the hall. The crowd were excited to see the bride and were pushing each other just to get a view (it was pretty packed, my friend is almost famous). I pushed through the crowds to get to the front and when I set my eyes on the bride, uncontrollably, tears began to run down my cheeks. It was so weird. My friend, my silly school friend, getting married. It was strange. Seeing her younger sister walking next to her made me even more emotional. 

In need of tissue I went to find another friend who looked at me with disgust. "Why are you crying?" she asked. "You were the same person who was ranting last night about how much you hate weddings and now you are crying." She was right. 

I sat down and asked myself why I was crying. Why did I cry at her getting married? Was it out of happiness or out of random emotion. 

Maybe it was a bit of both but what was stuck in my mind that night as we left for home was the question. It played on my mind. I re-pictured the bride enter the hall, my tears, and my friend looking at me like 'why?'. 

I knew before I went to sleep the main reason I weeped. That my friend getting married symbolized time flying by and waiting for nobody. That none of us would forever remain young, that one day (by the will of Allah) we would marry, bear children and eventually hit the grave. This isn't the life for everybody, Allah takes the souls of some before they even marry or have children. Only Allah knows the future. But one thing that we need to bear in mind is that time waits for no man, that we cannot always be children or rely on our parents. That one day, time will fly past you so quickly, you will be in your grave before you know it. I am not encouraging one to fear and dread death, but what I worry about is, have I done enough as a Muslimah in the dunya to please Allah? 


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Polygamy: Advice for brothers (again)

Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

You're most probably thinking 'oh no, not another polygamy rant by a sister!' You needn't worry in sha Allah. I've come but as an adviser to my unmarried (polygamy loving) brothers. Unraise your eyebrow please.

Marriage as well as Jinns are Muslims favourite topics. We can talk about them for hours (hence why I am typing this right now and your eyes fixated on your screen) Single sisters like to talk about marriage, and for some strange reason, it just never gets boring. Inevitably, polygamy pops up during the discussion. There are no heated debates or heart attacks when polygamy is mentioned. Why should there be? However, the heat begins to rise when a sister is asked whether she would be let her husband marry another woman. We talk about marriage and polygamy, which probably means brothers talk about it all the time (I'm kidding. I am sure it's not all the time. Most of the time) It appears as if quite a few brothers do not seem to mind marrying one, two, three or four. Isn't this the dream of the ultimate macho man?

So,  we've established that you wan't a 2nd wife, now or after you get the 1st one. You wish to have a young pious sister who hasn't ever been "touched". A younger version of your 1st wife, most probably.

Rightio! I am going to have to tell you to take pause for a second. Listen to me brother.

In one of my previous posts I mentioned the disabled unmarried sister that I met in the masjid. Sadly, divorce rates amongst Muslims seem to be soaring, so there are divorcees with children too. And not forgetting widows. Dear brother, do you understand how difficult it is for these women to re-marry? If you are truly looking to marry for the sake of Allah, why not consider marrying a woman who is in this position? I thought you were a hard macho man?
Wallahil atheem This is a problem that I see from afar. Brothers are running to re-marry shy virgin girls while there are so many other girls who would happily accept marrying as a 2nd wife. Leave the shy single sisters for the shy unmarried brothers. Also, if you are considering a 2nd wife and your bestfriend is single, for crying out loud, help him out. Wish for your brother what you wish for yourself.

This is a bit of a rant yes but I hope you take at least some consideration to what I have mentioned.

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Umm Mus'ab

Like father like daughter: Advice for brothers when marrying

Bismillahi rahmani raheem

For a lot of women, their fathers are the most important men in their lives. In fact, before you decide to turn up, her father is (most probably) the only man in her life. No pressure there.

Do not be naïve and assume that I am naïve about the sleepiness nights that brothers get before meeting the father of their potential wife. I feel for you. Believe me though; I am not here to scare you out of marrying. I just sense that men nowadays do not value the relationship between a woman and her father, and if it happens to be that this relationship is very strong, you’ll have to listen up.

What to do:

• Be genuine.

Don’t fake it. Don’t be “over friendly” or laugh too much at his jokes. Her daddy might like it but 99.9% of the time, she’ll see right through your rubbish acting. You’re going to look desperate. Even worse, you’ll appear as if you’re treating the “getting to know the father” stage, as an exam that you need to pass quickly. Marriage is for life and you’re marrying into her family too. I am not suggestion you need to learn his biography and tell me what time he was born but just get to know him, a little. If he tells an ancient joke, simply smile, don’t roar with laugher.  

• Get to know him

Like I said before, the sister won’t set you a timed exam on his life, however listen to what he says and remember, (at least) his middle name.

• Listen to him

Worst case scenario: You’re chatting, chatting, chatting away for England while dad sits there listening to all you have to say. It will make your potential wife sick. Literally. She’ll wonder why you are so self indulged. Nothing more pleasant that a good listener, especially when listening to her daddy. (Note: do not become mute either)

• Never call him “old man”

“Yeah, your “old man” is funny” you tell her casually. She’ll stab you in the back. Don’t call her father “old man”. Never ever.

• Don’t try to be her father

You’ll get rejected if you do this. She wants a husband not a 2^nd father. And she will proclaim that you cannot and will not ever be her father anyway. So that’s two-nil. It may not be incest to marry somebody who tries to be your parent but for obvious reasons, stay away from it.

Hmm, this is all I have on my mind right now. My father means so much to me and no man will ever replace him (sorry!) Sisters dislike brothers (as religious as they may be) who think that they have the whole package (nothing wrong with confidence) but forget that pleasing her father means pleasing her.

I cannot speak for every sister out there, not everybody have a close nit relationship with their father but this is advice for brothers who may encounter women whose fathers have raised them and are about to let them go.

Umm Mus’ab & UmmZaid who totally agrees <3

If you have ever wished for a brother with a long beard and the whitest qamis

All praise is due to Allah, the Creator of everything which exits. 
Bismillaah.

What is wrong with me? I have not begun most of my posts in the name of Allah or even with Bismillah. Ya Umm Mus'ab, what iz wrong wizz youue ukhti, bleaas tell me? 

This is for the sisters who have ever wished for a brother with a beautiful beard and a very white qamis. The brother who lowers his gaze in the street and looks only upon his wife with a smile. The brother is seen rushing to the masjid for salah. The brother who proudly wears his clothes in accordance with the Sunnah and aspires to resemble our beloved Nabee sallalahu alaihi wa sallam.

"Hold up. Ukhti, where's your hijab?"
"Stop being silly man"
"I'm not"
"On my head, you plonker"
"You're not ready for abaya or jilbab yet, I'm guessing"
"Nope, not ready yet. Sister please make dua for me though. I saw such a masha Allah brother today, in qamis and with a beard. He was lowering his gaze as well. I want a husband like that!"
"In sha Allah I will. I will also make dua that you begin to cover up"
"Whaaaat?"

Maybe you think that this post is heading towards: clothing automatically make you pious, like shahada automatically make a murjiee a  mu'min (supposedly)
That is not what I am trying to say. Although, we can all agree that covering correctly is wajib upon every believing man and woman. What buggles my mind so much is, why do sisters with camel hump, skin tight abaya, or jegging wearing hijabis think that one day a brother resembling a scholar will knock on their door for marriage? Allah knows best. Sister, you can flower yourself up as much as you like. Draw on your eyebrows, your lips, colour yourself in with make up. In fact! Reinvent yourself. Make up is powerful.
(For my less advanced readers, I am fluent in sarcasm.) But I guarantee you that Shaikh Sudais will not come knocking for you. Neither will his son.
This goes for brothers too. I know of sisters who observe the correct hijab who have been approached by brothers who desired to "get to know them" for marriage (i.e talk on the phone and what not). As you are guessing, these brothers were not observing their own "Hijab" - shaven, long trousers etc. Al hamdulilah brothers desire women who are covered for the sake of Allah but should you not take a glance at yourself before even eyeing up covered sisters.

The real question is, would you marry you?

BEFORE I GET HATE MAIL: No, I am not impying that sisters who wear jilbab or brothers who do not shave are much more pious. I do not encourage sisters to observe the niqab because this may bring brothers to come and ask for your hand, no no no, Allah will not be pleased with that. Remember to be sincere and do whatever act of worship you do, to be for Allah alone. The reward is great in sha Allah.

O Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover yourselves (screen your private parts, etc.) and as an adornment, and the raiment of righteousness, that is better. Such are among the Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) of Allah, that they may remember (i.e. leave falsehood and follow truth). (7:26) 

Would you marry her?

Taking off our damp socks, we took refuge in the warmth of the masjid. The slices of gâteau we had bought were now squashed in our bags, nonetheless our growling stomachs were anticipating the taste. After performing two rakats, we rolled up our sleeves, preparing ourselves to assault the gâteau, what was left of it. A middle aged woman was sitting opposite us, we offered her some cake. Little did I know that I was going to remember this meeting for a very long time.

The first thing that struck me about her were her big brown eyes. I had to stop myself from staring at her. She had a soft tone to her voice and her speech was eloquent masha Allaah.  Although from time to time during our conversation, self consciously she'd ask  what I thought of her "poor" English. Her native language was Arabic, she was fluent in French too and English of course. From her bag she pulled out a lunch box. She was keen to share her rice with us but we kindly declined. She insisted. So we ate. We spoke with her, laughed and learnt. 

This sister, I thought, was most probably a wonderful mother and a loving wife. Fluent in Arabic and memorized a good amount of the Qu'ran, not to mention that her rice tasted brilliant.The sister was warm, had a very motherly feeling about her. She smiled a lot, read to us too. By Allah my friend and I had taken a great liking to her. I asked about her children, she told me she had none. Embarrassed, I asked about her husband instead, she told me didn't have one. 

I found out that the sister was disabled. If anything, her disability was not obvious at all until she stood up for salah. She had a problem with her right leg. Of course, I did not feel comfortable throwing all these questions about her. Shrugging her shoulders, she'd utter even righteous men didn't want a woman who had a "wonky leg". Inevitably we encouraged her to look harder, for real pious men, men with knowledge, men who would marry for the sake of Allah. She just shrugged and said she had looked hard enough. She had looked everywhere, she told us. 
It was still raining outside when we had to leave for home. 

Where are our men?

Umm Mus'ab

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Alhamdulilaah- All Praises and Thanks are due to Allaah [swt]

Who is getting married? Is it our parents or is it us?
For some of us, it seems that when it comes to the issue of marriage, it's not only us that are getting on the zawaj plane but it's also our parents. Our parents decide when we should get married, to whom we should get married, how we should get married ect.. The list is rather long. And, if the 'child' happens to be a *shy* *reserved* and of a *weird* character then zawaj ain't gonna happen anytime soon.
 In most cultures, when it comes to zawaj, it is never one person marrying another, usually it's a whole family marrying another-  two whole separate world coming into one. So, our parents will without a shadow of a doubt play a *major* part in this whole trip to Zawajland. That's why I think it's important for us to maintain a very good relationship with our parents since the key is in their hands [especially for sisters]- you don't want your father to throw the key in the well.

There are four types of parents-

 1) The Strictly Religious Parents
If you happen to be from such a family then rejoice- you have hope in that they will be understanding once *you* make the choice that *you*'re ready to get on the plane. They will -hopefully- support you, advise you and make it easy for you to fulfill your deen. With this type of parents, communication is fairely easy as you can discuss based on daleels and have interesting discussions. Beware however, of discussing points of ikhtilaaf or enter the doors of ijtihaad lest you would create unneccessary problems onto yourself!

2) The Pushy Parents
This is the type of parents who is pushing you to marry even if you don't really want to. They arrange meetings with the worst possible people on this planet i.e- your cousins! They're not really bothered about education, they just want to see their future grand-children. The best way to deal with such parents is to be really honest and tell 'em the truth: 'You're not marrying none of your cousins!', then put your trust in Allaah and make loads of duas. My sincere compassion goes to all those who come under this category- only the strong ones will survive!

3) The Strictly Educated Parents
This is the types of parents who have spend their lives studying, love study and anything related to education. Usually you will find that the uncle, the aunty and other relatives are also highly educated, and even the grand-father is into education, everywhere you look- education seems to be *THE* thing. Once again, my heart goes out to all those who come under this category because that means you'll probably also have to reach a *high* educational level since a simple degree isn't all that impressive any longer. Parents want minimum a Masters and grand-father expects a PhD from you- so chin up, the only thing you can do for now is to daydream about Zawaj. In most cases, it's difficult to argue with such parents since they bought you in this 'education-loving' spirit, so I suggest you don't dissapoint them and do what you got to do. May Allaah make it easy for ya.

4) The way-too-easy-going-Family
This is the type of parents who are easy-going, almost 'don't care' about anything regarding zawaj. They're not Muslims or are not practising. It is extremely hard to communicate with them about anything and especially about Zawaj- because you both have two distinct ideas about it. If they let you marry the person of your choice, you'll still have to battle through having a halal waleemah ya3ni:- no music, no free-mixing, no recording, no extra useless things, no singer, no to the hotel reception, no no and no. You will need a Lot of patience, a Lot of hikmah and a Lot of forbearance. May Allaah make it easy for ya too.

I'm sure there are more types of parents- feel free to tell us and also tell us which category you're from and how do you deal with it, maybe others can beneficiate!

Inshallaah, next time I shall be exploring the different type of sisters too- that's gonna be interesting.

May Allaah bless us all and give satisfaction to our hearts. May Allaah protect our parents regardless of which category they're from! They're our parents, the reason we strive, we wouldn't be anything without them, remember to keep your parents in your duas folk- they're very very precious. One of the Salaf said that it is from 'Biir' meaning from Goodness to the parents that you should AT least make ONE dua for them in ONE of our salaahs during the day. Ya Allaah, forgive our parents and have mercy upon them as they had mercy upon us when we were young. Ya Allaah, they've taken good care of us and still are.. ya Allaah icnrease their ranks in Jannaah. Mom, Dad, I love you !

Salaam!
UmmZaid-

Let’s just marry. Like, now?

So, you have heard that a local akhi is interested, and to tell the truth, you are too. You know that this person is a potential spouse. That you could happily marry them for their deen, their character and their (good) looks. They aren't exactly a God fearing Tom Cruise but alhamdulillah your standards are now, well realistic. Unlike before. Before you had secretly hoped that a mysterious man, perhaps the son of a scholar or even the Imam of Masjid al Haraam would propose to you and father would receive him with open arms. 

You are told that the brother wishes to meet with you and your family, however needs to know if you are willing to proceed. The ball is in your court, he eagerly awaiting your response. With joy you are screaming "Of course I want to marry you!", well, you aren't screaming in real life, this is just the voice in your head. Instead your lips are completely shut.You want to say yes but you feel that you can't. 

Why? 

You know that your parents are expecting a wealthy man. If he met this brother, you'd probably be told that his degree in Business studies means nothing. 

You are afraid that you aren't pious enough for him. That you may disappoint him with your cooking. You are thinking if you are actually emotionally ready for marriage. That you can't handle or remember all the rights and responsibilities. You anxious about leaving your parents home and starting a new life with this, well, stranger. Is he even the right brother? 

These are the types of things which worries which go through our heads as sisters. However it is time that we faced them in order to over come them. They are nothing but whispers from shaytan if this brother is truly fit enough for you to marry. Rasoolullah (SAW) encouraged us to marry young, yet too often we fall into the trap of imagining ourselves married when we are older, with careers and homes of our own.

May Allaah remove the anxieties from our hearts. 
Ameen. 

(Forgive me for the missing words or/and the spelling/grammar mistakes)


A very tired Umm Mus'ab.

Top Don'ts For Women

1. Don't send him a marriage proposal to his Facebook inbox because you think he is good looking.
2. Don't believe everything he tells you. Make sure you have reliable information about him and check the facts.
3. Don't cake yourself in make up to decieve him into thinking he's marrying a hoor al 'ayn who exits on Earth.
4. Don't let your father do all the talking. Conversate, it's your chance to get to know him.
5. Don't pretend to be really shy. Come on now, you need to talk or he will eventually find you boring.
6. Don't be covered in a massive huge black jilbab or niqab. He is allowed to see you in normal modest clothing.
7. Don't disagree with what his mother is saying to you (in the meeting)
8. Don't call his father by his name. Call him "uncle".

9. Don't talk excessively. You should remember to maintain your hayaa.
10. Don't invite your friends to your house on the day of the meeting. He will blatantly hear them giggling in the hallway.
11. Don't ramble on about the dowry. The dowry should be 10% of the convo.
12. Don't outclass his mother on the quality of the food. If you do, well, it will be difficult for you.
13. Don't have your phone or BB messenger switched on. It can be very tempting to text your friend how well the meeting is going - but he will see.
14. Don't forget to ask to pour the tea. Better yet, just go ahead and do it!
15. Don't walk late into the meeting. He will think that you spent the time trying to beautify yourself for him. When really, you were just nervous.
16. Don't call him akhi. He is your potential husband.
17. Don't laugh too much. He might see teeth and turn you down.
18. Don't giggle and act blonde, show him what you got in there (the brain).
19. Don't act humble by lowering your gaze, you should be looking at him. But, don't stare at him like you stare in the mirror.
20. Don't shake or fall over when you're bringing the tea and biscuits. Breathing in and out and small steps go a long way.

*BONUS*
21. Don't excessively kiss your teeths in front of the parents or they may think you're an ex-gang leader. In fact, refrain from all sorts of ganster-like speech.

http://zawajland.blogspot.com/

Top 20 Don'ts For Men

1. Don't approach her in the street to ask for marriage.
2. Don't hang out in front of the masjid to catch a glimpse of her.
3. Don't jump by the window, knock on the door
4. Don't use ahadeeth or ayaats on her once shes declined your proposal. It's her choice whether she marries you are not. She may not be attracted to you or like your character very much.
5. Don't turn up at the house without reliable info about her.
6.Don't tell her "Allah will provide" if you are unable to provide for her.
 7. Don't speak to her like a gangster (expections if you are an actual ex gangster)
8. Don't be inconsiderate of what she wants. Give her a chance to decide on whether she likes you or not. Men seem to ignore the needs of the woman while only focusing on their own.
9. Don't tell her you wish to marry her for her beauty. In fact, don't even compliment her.
 10. In fact, leave the house.
11. Don't act like a "hard nut" around her father. He is the lion of the house, you are the cub.
12.When meeting her father, don't give a khutbah, unless you are asked.
13. Don't finish all the biscuits, finish the tea.
14. Don't come to her house looking like you've survived a hurricane
15. Don't come unprepared for a wife, marriage and great responsibilty.
16. Don't use your heart to judge the overall situation
17. Don't rely too much on your looks, money or personality.
18. Don't jump to lead salah at her house so that her father hears your amazing recitation, unless you are asked.
19. Don't just talk about your goals and dreams for the future. Speak about your accomplishment at present.

20. Don't leave your beard at home. 

What is Zawaj?

Bismilaahi-Rahmani-Raheem,

Assalam 'Aleikum waRahmatulaah,

I'd like in my first post to share some thoughts about 'zawaj'; and while I'm at it let me clarify a little point: This blog isn't really about us in particular although we might feel the need to share some experiences, rather let this be a means of discussing this topic from all sides. Ready? Go!

Where to start? Let me tell u what I've observed..
For these last couple of years, I have realised that the Muslim community here in the UK has transformed itself almost like a metamorphosis. It is by the Grace of Allaah [swt] that many many young people and elder ones too have been coming back to the religion and have been showing their attachment towards it. As a direct result, young people have expressed their desire to get married and fulfill their natural requirements I guess. Yaaaay!! :-D

It's praiseworthy and it makes me happy to see young people wanting to complete their 'deen'. However, it seems as though sometimes, there's a little *hic*. Marriage doesn't come easy and for some it becomes almost an utopia. And between the religion, the culture, the family and the society.. to be honest you've enough to be put off for a while! Argh.. I'm out!

For a long time, I didn't really bother thinking too much about this whole zawajesque concept and I struggled to understand my friends when they'd talk about 'marriage'..
'Are you serious?!' I would say with a raised-eyebrow  o_o

 Especially because most girls tend to have this dreamy weirdish idea of marriage -Yes, even me- so, it made me cringe and I'd brush it off quickly. 'So, erm what's the weather like..'?

However lately, I've put deep thoughts into it and maybe I've come to realise what it really means to 'zawaj'. To 'zawaj' is not just to 'marry' I think as Muslims, we need to remember that Marriage is considered as 'ibaadah so automatically it changes your perspective right?
Who would refuse easy hassanats? Oh.. maybe not so easy actually.
 Marriage in Islam is more than just a marriage, inshallaah we'll discuss this later on.

Well actually, it's not a secret that one of my fav. verses in the Qur'aan is the following:
“And among his signs is this, that he created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and he has put love & mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Surah Rum, v21)
^This ayaah just summarises beautifully the purpose of Zawaj in itself..

Now, how we get to that stage? What are the steps to take? How do we deal with family pressure? Society expectations? What are we doing wrong these days and why is the divorce rate so high amongst Muslims? Inshallaah, we'll have a look at all these and more but until then.. Take care!

UmmZaid

Fasten your seatbelts, we're off!

Bismillah, Asalamu 'Alaikum ladies (and gentlemen) fasten your seatbelts and sit back, you are now aboard the awaited road trip to Zawajland. We will be departing in a few moments. Temperature in Zawajland is currently perfect however we may face some windy showers, some hail and snow on our way there. This trip isn't going to be easy but if you make the right choices on the trip, insha Allah you will have a wonderful zawaj in Zawajland. Speaking to you today is UmmMus'ab, who is currently on the mic, I will now pass you on to UmmZaid, who will give you further instructions. 

Assalam 'Aleikum to all,
As UmmMus'ab rightly said, this isn't going to be an easy trip and there may be a lot of unexpectated turns before we eventually reach Zawajland safely by the Permission of the Most High. This journey is one which carried millions of people before us and will without a doubt carry a great number after us. It is this lifetime journey that we will talk about and analyse from everyside. We will criticize, rant, propose solutions and discuss this tremendous route. So, jump on the plane and enjoy the view!