Brothers, stop doing this! This applies to even you, Mr Pious!

Bismillaahi rahmanir raheem

Last night I had a phone conversation with a close friend which left me quite annoyed. Annoyed slash angry slash disappointed. Our conversation ended with a topic which left a sour taste in my mouth. Now, instead of going on a full blown rant about this certain 'thing' which a significant amount of brothers tend to do, I will illustrate to you a scenario and perhaps that will be a more effective way to make you understand what I am trying to tell you here.

The scenario:

Sa'diyah is 20. She comes from a good Islamic family and has been brought up well. She has for her whole life abstained from premarital relationships, friendships with the opposite gender, she covers in hijab and tries her best to keep her gaze lowered.

A brother who attends the same university as Sa'diyah, has become interested in marrying her and quite rightly so, she appears to be a chaste woman. Unable to get to her parents, he lets her know that he is interested in meeting her wali. Sa'diyah agrees and tells the brother she will inform her parents.

The brother admits he would have preferred to speak to her wali directly instead of having to speak with Sa'diyah before hand. The encounter between Sa'diyah and the brother, Yahya, is sift. No long conversation, no chit chat. She gives her father's name, phone number and the masjid he attends. Yahya thanks her and says he will contact her wali. End of conversation.

Sa'diyah has never been proposed to, therefore it's her first time that she realises a man is attracted to her deen and her beauty. There are a million thoughts and emotions running through Sa'diyah's head and heart. She is absolutely flattered, she's excited, she's nervous, she cannot believe a brother is interested in her, she feels beautiful, she wants to begin a family, she wants to be the perfect wife and she wishes also to be the perfect mother. You get the picture, this is a virgin girl who is about to get to know a man.

Sa'diyah now wishes to tell her parents beforehand, that a brother will call her father and visit them. This is one of the most difficult things ever that she has to do. She has never spoken to her parents about marriage, let alone spoken about men! She is their little girl, their innocent little girl and now she has to tell them she 'wants' a man?! Sa'diyah is overridden by nerves and feels her heart in her throat.

She doesn't know where to begin. How to tell them. Does she tell her mother, then her father or does she sit them both down and tell them together? How should she say it? What if they assume she spends her time at university speaking unlawfully with brothers all the time? What if they are disgusted by her? What if they say no?

Despite feeling sick, she eventually plucks up the courage to tell her parents. She tells her mother first. Her mother's reaction is surprise. Sa'diyah then regrets it and tells her mother not to inform her father because now she is reconsidering if she even wishes to get married any more. Sa'diyah's mother doesn't listen and tells her father. Again, you get the picture. This is one of the most embarrassing, scary, uneasy encounters a young woman will have with her parents.

You now know what it feels like to be Sa'diyah. Well not exactly, but you have some sort of insight now.

The brother,Yahya decides that he keeps quiet and doesn't call the father. For various reasons, he has yet to be 100% sure if he is ready for a wife, he is having 2nd thoughts, etc etc.

A lot of brothers tend to do this nowadays. They tell a sister they wish to marry her, she tells her parents asap - especially if the brother is a stranger to her parents and she doesn't want to proceed unlawfully. Yet brothers leave the sister to confront her parents with one of the toughest things ever she has to do in her unmarried life, and suddenly the brother is taking his time or disappears completely!

Please stop this brothers. If you wish to marry a sister then make sure that your words are followed up by actions. Not only do you humiliate the sister by leaving her parents asking her endless questions about when you will turn up but you hurt her feelings too.

Brother, if you want a sister to speak with her wali make sure that you will certainly VISIT or CALL. There is nothing worse you can do than to humiliate a chaste sister. Indeed actions are judged by intentions, however we must follow up our intentions with action. Sa'diyah and Yahya are quite obviously fictional characters, yet ask our sisters today if they been through something as similar to Sa'diyah's situation, a significant amount will say yes. And how do sisters view brothers who do this? To put it bluntly, they are cowards.

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