Appearances CAN be Deceiving!

This is a deep statement so let's take a few minutes to think over it inshallaah: 'Appearances can be deceiving'.

^^Aaah, *the dream*

I believe most of us if not all, when we pass by a sister fully covered in dark clothings, layers upon layers with just eyes left to be seen or just a face, we feel impressed, we feel amazed and maybe we whisper dua for her whilst walking by (I know I do). Similarly, when we see a brother who's beard is just outstandingly well-oiled and his khamis amazingly well-ironed and above the ankles with a beautifully tied 'imamaah; we immediately feel shy (for sisters) and we all want him (sisters anyway lol).

So when it comes to Zawaj, well it's not a secret that all the sisters want the prototype I've described above with differences varying from one to another BUT under any circumstance the beard's gotta be there and highly visible if possible. Also, for brothers, one of the first questions is always: 'Does she wear this? Or does she wear that?' She wears a blue jilbab?! Naah, she aint good then'. Oh yes, I've heard of that!

Now, let's hold on a second or two..

WHY are these outside appearances so crucial to us when marrying someone? Since WHEN do clothes tell you what kind of person you are? HOW can clothes say how practising one is? I personally believe it dangerous to give that much importance to 'clothes'. Na'am, I agree that as one becomes more knowledgeable and more aware of the Deen then there comes along a change in his/her style of clothing. Fair enough: for sisters, usually the change consists in longer and looser clothes and for brothers, well looser clothes too and a beard does the job I guess.

 In all honesty, I get absolutly thrilled when I see my brothers & sisters dressed according to the teachings of the Qur'an & Sunnah, I feel proud.  However, I find it disturbing when you ask Sister X for what she looks for in a brother and her answer is: A beard or An 'Imamaah. 0_o    Hellooo?

Okay now, let's read this narration by Sahl Bin Sa'd as Sa'idi [R.A] who said: Once while the Prophet sallaah Allaah aleihi wa salaam was sitting with some of his companions, a man passed by them. The Prophet salaah Allaahu aleihi wa salaam asked one of his companions: 'What do you think of this man?' Some of them said: 'This is from among the noble people. By Allaah, if he seeks marriage, he will be married; and if he intercedes, his intercession will be granted.' The Prophet sallaah Allaahu aleihi wa salaam didn't say anything. Another man then passed by them, and the Prophet asked again: 'What do you think of this man?' Some of them said: 'This is one of the poor Muslims. It is expected that if he seeks marriage, he will not be married; if he intercedes, his intercession will not be granted: and if he speaks, no one will listen to him.'


Allaah's Messenger sallaah Allaahu 'aleihi wa salaam then said:

'This man is better than an earth-full of the likes of the other man.'

[Bukhari &Muslim] 

Subhanallaah, with just this *one* narration, we see how appearances are NOT everything. This man who from outside seemed poor and maybe not so good-looking is much better than the noble, probably rich and good-looking one. There's a lesson here for us to take. I'm sure we're all pretty much well aquainted with the ahadith mentionning what we should look for in a woman and in a man. For the woman, 'choose the one with deen and manners and you'll be successful' as for the man, 'when a man with good character and deen comes, do not refuse him' [Quickly summarised, you can always check the full narrations inshallaah]

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters do not be deceived by looks: there's no guarantee that this beautifully veiled sister prays Qiyaam-Layl everynight, nor is there any guarantee that this beautifully bearded brother is a hafiz of the Glorious Qur'an. Also, another humble advise of mine: 'Do not expect too much' and inshallaah I aim to dedicate a post on this topic soon, but do not expect what you, yourself don't do.

If I was to give you a confidence, I've always thought brothers who cannot grow a beard or only have a small beard are more sincere?  And perhaps more humble because no one really realises they're practising, it's between them & Allaah. Whereas when your beard can be seen miles away, people know the 'Sheikh is in town' so better be careful not to let riya cripping in.  I know it's a generalising comment and possibly not true but it's something I've always held for truth. Not that it matters much anyway.

All the best!

Umm.Zaid