Here I am once again writing from a busy and loud computer room hoping no one catches me while writing this article; don't particularly like people especially my classmates knowing about this blog, no thanks.
What actually triggered this post is an email I received today from a sister all the way from Canada (shout out if you're reading this!) who was sharing practically the very same thoughts I had in mind for the past few weeks!
As I was reading her email, I kept saying (in my head of course): 'yeah, me too!' to almost every point she was making.
The question was: Am I being too picky?
Is it being too picky to desire to marry a devout Muslim man?
Is it being too picky to wish to marry someone who shares common interests?
Is it being too picky to wish to marry someone from a specific culture?
Is it being too picky wishing to marry someone with financial stability?
I could carry on ALL DAY LONG.. but you get the gist..
Believe it or not, some people out there would almost make us believe that we are in the wrong for wanting to know what we desire in a potential spouse!
That's crazy.
There is no one worse than those guys and girls who don't know what they want in a spouse, those folks usually waste people's time and emotions for nothing.Now Let's get up close & personal..
Few years ago, this whole topic of marriage would only get one type of reaction from me:
-red marks on my cheeks
-few giggles,
-intertwinted fingers,
-twisting feet
& just create pure awkwardness even when this was innocently being discussed amongst fellow singleton sisters.
I usually kept quiet but I can't deny those were entertaining and hilarious moments to say the least but reflecting back now, I also think this topic turned me speechless because -back then- I had a very blurry idea of who I wanted to marry.
I was quite shallow, all I wanted was: 'a brother between 19-25 who regurlarly prays in the masjid'
But some of the more outspoken sisters were even more precise: 'he must have large shoulders, dark skin, big hands and a beard. OMG the beard must be nice' ..
I mean try to beat that for shallowness -_- ' *sigh*
However as the years passed, my blurry image has become so sharp [alhamdulilah for that] and this only happened through the various encounters I have had with 'potentials'.
Today, I could confidently list you: what I am looking for, in what order, why I want that ect.. and I think this is a process that takes time.
It takes maturity to separate from your list what is a must-have like:
-good aqeedah,
-good akhlaq & deen
-good family
-clean past..... whatever
From what is not-so-important like:
-large shoulders
-big hands
-nice beard
-small feet or what have you..
Sadly, some people have not yet reached that maturity level to be able to have a conscice and clear list.
For those of us who may be completely clueless as to what to include in 'our list' then no worries!
Our role model, ar-Rassul 'aleyhi salaam was told us in very famous narrations (everyone knows those ahadith) that for the man then he marries a woman for one of 4 reasons: her beauty, her wealth, her lineage and for her deen. Marry the one with deen, may your hand be blessed
& for the woman, he 'aleyhi salaam has told us that, if a man whom you are pleased with his deen and akhlaq then marry him. [rough translations]
Therefore, these criteria MUST and I repeat MUST be on the top priority.
Do NOT compromise on this ever!
And do NOT be led to believe you're being 'too picky' because these criteria are your top conditions...
Finally, do not worry if you're struggling to find a person who matches your desires a 100%. It's likely that such a person isn't actually out there (sorry if I'm breaking your heart </3), you may well need to compromise on a few minor things and as long as that doesn't throw you off then it's all good.
I may be wrong but I believe that this issue mainly concerns the sisters because from what I have seen, brothers tend not to be too picky.. any lady will do as long as she looks like one right?
They're also very shallow on this but hey.. that's another topic all together :/
At the end of the day, Allaah knows best who is best suited for each one of us and we shouldn't close doors on ourselves so if you happen to have a super long list of criteria, something tells me you should most likely reconsider it.. and guys, don't forget the du'as..especially the du'a in the last third of the night.
The pious of another generation used to say that a supplication made in the last 1/3 of the night is like an arrow that doesn't miss its shot.
Subhanaka Allaahuma wa bihamdik, astaghfiruka wa atuubu ilayk.
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