Assalam 'aleykum all,
Today I will be sharing a slightly different experience, a painful experience for some sisters (and brothers).
Sometimes the marriage we all ever wished for:
~ the beautiful union of two souls and the completion of one's Deen doesn't quite turn as we expect. ~
Sometimes it will end in a divorce and sometimes it turns into an unstoppable vicious cycle of violence.
Sadly, this is a taboo within our communities and the victims are often too scared to speak about the domestic violence they are suffering from.
Too scared and unsure of whom to talk to, whom to turn to and what to say.
When do we know the line has been crossed? How much are we supposed to remain patient with our other half? Where do we go when all we know are insults and punches?
I will share one experience of a friend of mine who has been tested with this calamity.
Here it goes:
Sister S. is in her late 20s and she was married to Brother F. for a few years before I even met her. The marriage was arranged by people outside of family, they are actually from 2 (very) different backgrounds.
Sister S. left her family to come and live with her husband in the city and was thus cut off from her closest relatives. However, she quickly found a new family at the local masjid where we met and would often meet thereafter alhamdulilaah.
We clicked fairly quickly and we used to spend much time together.
One thing I noticed very quickly (which I misinterpreted at the time) was that Sister S. would almost go into a panic attack whenever she missed a call from her husband, even if that happened whilst she was in prayer.
I recall being surprised at her behavior but I simply thought that she must be a really obedient and dedicated wife.
Many times, I asked her to join myself and other sisters to attend classes or lectures at the local masjid (or elsewhere) and her response was always:
'Oh, I must ask my husband.'
or
'I don't think my husband will let me'.
The other sisters always thought that was a bit strange but I, once again, thought that was a somewhat normal/natural response but time proved that I was wrong. After a while, we stopped asking her to join us because we simply knew her husband wouldn't approve of her going anywhere.
For a good few months, I did not see any sight of Sister S. nor did I hear any of her news.
Nobody saw her, nobody knew where she was, silence.
Then, she re-appeared but she was different.
She had become much slimmer, less bubbly, less happy, few teeth missing and generally appeared physically exhausted.
I bombarded her with questions because I was concerned but she simply said her house was very cold in the winter and that the doctor gave her some tablets.
Fast-forward another few months, the news of Sister S. & Brother F.'s divorce reaches me.
I get in touch with the sister and she invites me over to her flat, which, despite our friendship I had never visited before.
She lived in an old, rusty council flat covered with graffiti and scary people hanging out around the estate. The kinda place you would rather not live in.
I entered the apartment and she immediately double-locked the front door whilst telling me she had just changed all the lockers and the keys so that Brother F. wouldn't make a surprise visit.
My heart dropped.
I came into the living room and she showed me how she had packed all of his stuff into neat boxes: his clothes, computer, books etc.
We sat down and there she revealed the horrors of domestic violence.
She first showed me her hair, shaved.
He shaved all of her hair.
She showed me how he put her head in the toilet.
She talked through the punches, kicks, spits.
She explained the cold winters, he had refused to have double-glazing on the windows.
It was unbelievable to me that a Muslim man could harm and take vicious pleasure out of hurting a Muslim woman.
He had successfully managed to cut off the sister from her relatives, her family and reduced her self-confidence to zero.
Sister S. managed to get out of this hell by herself which was extremely brave of her, alhamdulilaah.
The physical damage caused will inshallaah repair itself over time, however for the psychological and emotional damage... there is no guarantee.
This is only one tiny bit of one story, there are hundreds and thousands of cases of domestic violence in Muslim homes.
So, how can we notice a violent man before marriage?
Firstly, sisters, do not rush to marry to the first guy who knocks on your door.
Do carry out a thorough investigation, give it some time, get to know him under different circumstances, feel free to test his patience
-If the guy gets angry for no reason
-If he wants to take you away from everyone and everything you know, especially your parents
-If he is paranoid and a control freak
-If he has a history of violence
-If he belittles women in general
-If he is not concerned of your worries and fears
These are a few signals that could alert you..
A man does not turn violent overnight, he probably had a past that had made him turn violent.. therefore families must also play their role in ensuring that their daughter is marrying safely.
I shall possibly extent on this topic a little more in another post inshAllah but I'll stop here for now.
SubhanAka Allahuma wa bi hamdik, astaghfiruka wa atubu ilayk
Ma'salaam ~
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