Violence & the Muslim home

Assalam 'aleykum all,

Today I will be sharing a slightly different experience, a painful experience for some sisters (and brothers).

Sometimes the marriage we all ever wished for:
~  the beautiful union of two souls and the completion of one's Deen doesn't quite turn as we expect. ~

Sometimes it will end in a divorce and sometimes it turns into an unstoppable vicious cycle of violence.

Sadly, this is a taboo within our communities and the victims are often too scared to speak about the domestic violence they are suffering from.

Too scared and unsure of whom to talk to, whom to turn to and what to say.

When do we know the line has been crossed? How much are we supposed to remain patient with our other half? Where do we go when all we know are insults and punches?

I will share one experience of a friend of mine who has been tested with this calamity.
Here it goes:

Sister S. is in her late 20s and she was married to Brother F. for a few years before I even met her. The marriage was arranged by people outside of family, they are actually from 2 (very) different backgrounds.

Sister S. left her family to come and live with her husband in the city and was thus cut off from her closest relatives. However, she quickly found a new family at the local masjid where we met and would often meet thereafter alhamdulilaah.

We clicked fairly quickly and we used to spend much time together.

One thing I noticed very quickly (which I misinterpreted at the time) was that Sister S. would almost go into a panic attack whenever she missed a call from her husband, even if that happened whilst she was in prayer.
I recall being surprised at her behavior but I simply thought that she must be a really obedient and dedicated wife.

Many times, I asked her to join myself and other sisters to attend classes or lectures at the local masjid (or elsewhere) and her response was always:

'Oh, I must ask my husband.'
or
 'I don't think my husband will let me'.

The other sisters always thought that was a bit strange but I, once again, thought that was a somewhat normal/natural response but time proved that I was wrong. After a while, we stopped asking her to join us because we simply knew her husband wouldn't approve of her going anywhere.

For a good few months, I did not see any sight of Sister S. nor did I hear any of her news.
Nobody saw her, nobody knew where she was, silence.

Then, she re-appeared but she was different.
She had become much slimmer, less bubbly, less happy, few teeth missing and generally appeared physically exhausted.

I bombarded her with questions because I was concerned but she simply said her house was very cold in the winter and that the doctor gave her some tablets.

Fast-forward another few months, the news of Sister S. & Brother F.'s divorce reaches me.

I get in touch with the sister and she invites me over to her flat, which, despite our friendship I had never visited before.
She lived in an old, rusty council flat covered with graffiti and scary people hanging out around the estate. The kinda place you would rather not live in.

I entered the apartment and she immediately double-locked the front door whilst telling me she had just changed all the lockers and the keys so that Brother F. wouldn't make a surprise visit.

My heart dropped.

I came into the living room and she showed me how she had packed all of his stuff into neat boxes: his clothes, computer, books etc.

We sat down and there she revealed the horrors of domestic violence.

She first showed me her hair, shaved.
He shaved all of her hair.
She showed me how he put her head in the toilet.
She talked through the punches, kicks, spits.
She explained the cold winters, he had refused to have double-glazing on the windows.

It was unbelievable to me that a Muslim man could harm and take vicious pleasure out of hurting a Muslim woman.

He had successfully managed to cut off the sister from her relatives, her family and reduced her self-confidence to zero.

Sister S. managed to get out of this hell by herself which was extremely brave of her, alhamdulilaah.
The physical damage caused will inshallaah repair itself over time, however for the psychological and emotional damage... there is no guarantee.

This is only one tiny bit of one story, there are hundreds and thousands of cases of domestic violence in Muslim homes.

So, how can we notice a violent man before marriage?

Firstly, sisters, do not rush to marry to the first guy who knocks on your door.
Do carry out a thorough investigation, give it some time, get to know him under different circumstances, feel free to test his patience

-If the guy gets angry for no reason
-If he wants to take you away from everyone and everything you know, especially your parents
-If he is paranoid and a control freak
-If he has a history of violence
-If he belittles women in general
-If he is not concerned of your worries and fears

These are a few signals that could alert you..

A man does not turn violent overnight, he probably had a past that had made him turn violent.. therefore families must also play their role in ensuring that their daughter is marrying safely.

I shall possibly extent on this topic a little more in another post inshAllah but I'll stop here for now.

SubhanAka Allahuma wa bi hamdik, astaghfiruka wa atubu ilayk

Ma'salaam ~

Hold up brother!

Assalam 'Aleykum !

DISCLAIMER:

This post may be offensive to my brothers in Islam so it is with extra care and no sarcasm that I will be writing today's article inshAllaah. I will , in this post, reflect some of the concerns most sisters have regarding our brothers in faith. However, these are not a one-size-fits-all and I am not trying to stereotype or point fingers (I promise) but I'm here to address issues  that I feel perhaps brothers are not conscious of and could possibly benefit from.

How's your Deen akhi?

It is known to everyone that MOST young people have returned to the Deen in the last 3 to 5 years and Allaah is praised for this, Alhamdulilaah! This recent phenomena has meant that we see more and more beards around, more swag like thobes and 'imamaahs but when it comes to asking the questions:

'So, when was the last time you prayed Qiyaam? Or, how frequently do you fast? What kutub or matn have you memorised?'

I mean apart from stutters, I haven't heard much.

You may think.. woaaaah, memorise kutub? This sista is havin' a laugh! Who does she think she is? 

Ok, give me a minute. 

What brothers need to understand is that sisters (at least serious & practising ones) require brothers to have -at the very least- a strong base in Deen. A strong base in knowledge and a strong base in practice. Now, of course, the level required will differ from sister to sister.

A sister may be happy to marry a brother who can just teach her how to read Arabic and another may desire a brother who can teach her Nahw (Arabic Grammar). For a lot of us, the main reason why we turn down proposals is because we are presented with fresh-in-the-deen brothers who perhaps struggle with reading Fatiha with tajweed and who perhaps don't even know halaal from haram ect..

Where's the seeking of knowledge akhi?

The majority of young brothers in the West think, out of good intentions, that they seek knowledge and when a prospective sister asks this question, they jump in to say:

'Yes alhamdulilah I seek knowledge'.

But, it doesn't take too long to dig before you realise that; LO! AND BEHOLD!
What they actually mean by 'seeking knowledge' is attending 2hrs of islamic classes a week for the most adhering ones.

It's possible that there are brothers out there who do genuiely seek knowledge for the sake of Allah (although I'm the first to admit that there's only a certain amount we can seek in the West) - the majority does not and this point alone can easily make a sister turn down proposals.

Now, do not think for a second that you should seek knowledge for you to get married, you'll stain your intentions.
Seek knowledge for Allaah, aim to learn your religion so that you can one day teach & benefit your family and Allaah (swt) will open the doors to blessings for you.

Where's the money at brother?

I had to add this one in.
I never understood brothers who will present themselves to a sister while they don't have the financial means to sustain a wife. Funny thing is that they also know they're not able to provide for her but still want to marry. LALA-land at its finest.

'ajib isn't it?

Perhaps more worrying is the lack of responsability (al-mas'uliyyah) from our brothers, marriage is a whole load of responsabilities for both men and women but men have that bit extra responsability.
How sad is it to see them unaware of their role? Ignorant of their duties? Careless of their responsabilities? ---->  Need i say more?  

 f.i.x         u.p          q.u.i.c.k

Where's the sabr (patience) bro?

They say patience is a virtue, I guess they were right.

Sometimes I feel like brothers have very little patience when it comes to the whole zawaj thing but some sisters also act recklessly at times (they'll have their own hold up post too).

I won't say much about this as it's quite self-explanatory (i hope) but patience in all situations is always a bonus and particularly in this issue. 

Don't rush to marry a sister simply because she looks fine or because she seems religious. Take your time to require lenghtly but don't take years and years, make a decision and place your trust in Allah.

 - ... - to be continued

Be happy.. & SINGLE

Assalam 'aleykum waRahmatullaahi waBarakatuh everyone,

Ahlan wa Sahlan after what seemed like years and years.. of not updating the blog but hey, I always get amazed to see how many people regurlarly visit this blog on a d.a.i..l.y basis.

I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that people from all over the world would be reading my articles on Zawaj and find them interesting or beneficial..

                             Aaaah, this blog will make me famous one day *dreams away*

Journalist: 'So, Umm Z., how did you get this brilliant idea of starting Zawajland?
Me: If you knew how this all started.. a night, a friend, an idea and BOOM a blog!'

It's been nearly three years since this blog was created, a few articles, some criticisms (oh well!), lots of encouragements (oh yes!), my anonymity lost (oh noo!) but it's still going on.

However, I am not that naive to think that most of you guys are reading this because you're interested in what I have to say but most of you read this blog because it's all about marriage (you know that I'm right)

I'm pretty convinced if this blog was aimed towards other religious aspects .. it wouldn't be so popular. Kinda sad really.

And this leads to today's article.. why can't we be happy and single?!

- Why can't we just be happy to be single?

- Why do we always have to talk about marriage in our gatherings?

- Why are we constantly thinking about marriage?

- Why are brothers always standing in front of the masajids?

- Why are sisters not lowering their gazes?

- Why are we not happy with the Qadr of Allaah?

- Why do I have a blog on marriage?

- Why do you read my articles?

- Why aren't we happy to live with our parents?

- Why do we idealise our future spouse so much?

- Why do we have unrealistic expectations?

- Why are so short-sighted?

- Why are we so confused about love?

- Why are we so afraid of growing old alone?

Why, why & why?

Because we are never happy with what we have (most of us anyway) and for brothers even when they eventually get married, guess WHAT? And sisters who constantly fantasise about a bearded prince if they knew how chilled out life is at their momma and daddy's house, guess WHAT?
No, actually forget it!


All I'm trying to say here is that we should concentrate on things that are more important like improving our ownselves, seeking knowledge, being dutiful to our parents, being concerned with the Ummah. Marriage is not something we control so leave it up to the One who controls all things *simple*.

Being single is a blessing in itself that most of us do not realise, we all want to rush towards something that were it not for the Mercy of Allaah, we could have flopped and messed up. REAL BAD.

Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't get married (come on, that would be contradicting my blog!), just that it's not necessary to worry too much about it or to have 1000 theoretical discussions on who you think is the ideal husband/wife.

I know that this advice may not sound very appealing to a lot of you because the shahaawat (desires) are burning you and taking over your rational mind at times, if that is the case listen to what the Lord says in Surah Noor; verse 33:

'And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah enriches them of His Bounty'

Yes! Remaining chaste (physically, mentally) will help you be happy & single.

I will leave you with these last words to think about and ponder over:

Love is overrated. We are blinded by what we see from people surrounding us but if we were to open our eyes, we would surely see what real Love is.

I ask you by Allaah, have you seen a Love more pure, genuine, wholesome than the Love Allaah has for you?

I don't want to depress you but some of the greatest Islamic Scholars never got married, they had found the purest of Love.. they didn't need anything else...

Why do we?

Subhanaka Allaahuma, astaghfirullaahi wa atouubu ilayh.

Ila liqaa

A brother's whisper

Bismillaahi Ar-Rahmaan Ar-Raheem,

Assalam 'Aleykum waRahmatullaahi Wabaraktuh dear readers,

In this hectic period of (dunya) examinations & tests, it seems that I only manage to blog when something out of the ordinary happens to me. Like today.

The story goes like this...

Location: a packed library
Characters: Myself, a brother and a sister


11am: I decide to head towards the library in order to start on some over-due work. I quickly manage to find a seat despite the crowd and begin my report. I hadn't written more than 5 sentences when I was unexpectedly interrupted by a whisper behind me which almost made me jump from my seat. I turn around very swiftly and find a bearded individual standing there. At that very uncertain moment where a million thoughts are running in my head, I recognise the brother who is actually in one of my classes. The brother continues his whisper whilst casting his gaze downwards:

'Excuse-me sister, can you see that sister behind the printer? Do you know her?'

As I hear these two sentences, my cheeks turn red, my throat dries up, my fingers interlock and my eyes stare at the sister who is so innocently waiting for her papers to come out of the printer. At that point I was totally bewildered, I mean the brother in question had never spoken to me before and I had always thought that he was a married man with children so I was extremely confused as to why he would ask me such a question!

I replied: 'No, I don't know her'

He added in a hurried whisper: 'Could you please find out if she's married? Don't tell her anything about me, just find out if she's available.'

'OK' I replied astonished and shocked.

Then he left and I turned back to my books and computer screen.

However it was impossible to concentrate, I had agreed to do something I'm completely against despite my own will. I felt trapped.
On one hand, I couldn't (and didn't want to) begin an argument (with this individual) as to why this is wrong and anyway, you are not allowed to talk in a library!!!) Yet on the other hand, I had said 'OK' and he would be waiting for the answer.

As I scribbled in my notebook, my vision could capture the sister (the brother also sat in a convenient seat which allowed him to see the sister but also witness my heroic move if it happened).

11:07am: The sister collects all her papers and takes her bag. I can feel the nerves but in all honesty I had already decided (in my head) that I would not tell her anything but I felt nervous because the brother was supervising all her and my movements. I look at her direction and she walks right behind me with few of her friends. She stops, looks towards me and leaves the library. The brother was also sneakily looking at her behind his book.


11:15am: Still confused at the whole thing, I decide to leave the place and get some fresh air.

Conclusion:

This was probably one of the strangest encounter I've ever had and if you're a brother, never ever do this. Not only this annoyed me (being interrupted, having a brother whispering, pointless request ect..) but it seemed so wrong to me. At one point I felt to tell the brother: 'Check my post: Best scenarios Part 1, it should help you'.

After ample reflexion, I feel sorry for the brother and anyone who is in the same case. It's not easy remaining chaste and seeking halal marriage. The struggle he's probably going through is bigger than the annoyance I've felt as I was interrupted. I pray that Allaah helps this individual (and the rest of us) in seeking the halal and leaving the haram in every matter.

My Husband is a good man

Assalam 'aleykum people,

Today, like most days, I had a long and eventful day however someone made it a bit more special than usual. Well, I had a meeting earlier (and no, it's not the meeting you're thinking of *rolls eyes*) let's say a work/study meeting with a young (muslim) girl of Bengladeshi origin.

We sat down in the nearby cafeteria and began talking about various things. Out of the blue, the sister mentioned that she is married (she's 21 yrs old) so I sympathetically expressed my happiness and sort-of congratulated her. She seemed happy. We carried on our conversation which was, by that time, interupted by some unconsiderate young men who were shouting around *very annoying*.
Once the cafeteria had regained its quietness, the sister whispered a sentence that made me smile from my heart. She said: 'my husband is a good man' in such a genuine and honest way that everyone would just go 'aww'. A simple sentence which implicated a huge meaning.

It triggered me into thinking about the issue (little things tend to make me think a lot). You know, the way you deal with people leave a mark on them so much so that they begin to talk about you to others (in goodness) without you having a clue about it. I mean, we don't hear this sentence much amongst married women. In fact, usually we hear 'my husband doesn't know this.. or that' 'my husband can't do this ..or that'. All things negative. Indeed wasn't it the Prophet 'aleihi salaam who said that women would outnumber men in the Fire of Hell, one of the reasons being 'because they deny the favours of their husbands'? Yes, that is the case.



Ladies, let's learn how to appreciate little things. I could sense the happiness radiating from the sister today (may Allaah increase it for her). In case you're thinking, 'oh that's because she's newly married' then you're wrong. If you're thinking: 'oh that's because she had a love marriage' then you're wrong again! The sister had an arranged marriage and has been married for over a year -may Allaah increase it for her-.
Happiness is in acknowledging and appreciating the little daily things about your partner, it's in being patient with their shortcomings, it's in thanking them and making supplications on their behalf. Happiness in marriage is remembering the other even though they're not around. (these are some of my theoreotical hypotheses from today)

She (expectedly) asked me whether I was married to which I replied in the negative.
She smiled and further interrogated me: 'oh, you have a boyfriend?'  -
Now that question surprised me but I didn't take it offensively (good mood) but a very off-side question to ask a muslima who looks like one (outwardly at least).
I giggled: 'haha, boyfriend? God forbid!'.
 I found out that laughing/giggling things off help a lot during awkward/weird/embarassing moments, it diverts attention but the sister was quite insistant in her interrogation. Perhaps I should've have laughed a bit more? Maybe, maybe not.

Finally, let me end with the words that have been ringing in my head this afternoon:

'My husband is a good man' - simple sentence, simple words, big meaning.

Ma'salaam

Announcement

Bismillaah,

I hope everyone is doing good and in good faith. I praise Allaah (swt) for having guided us to this sublime way of life without which, we would be no better than animals.

Swiftly moving on, I know I haven't written the 2/2 of the Best Marriage Proposal Scenarios yet and I apologise for this. However I have another thing to apologise for.. erm, how do I say this in the best way? Well, I will not be posting in the next few months (until April) because my time schedule is incredibly tight until spring time and these articles take a considerable time to think over, plan, search and write. (seriously.)

But, (there's always a but) I know many of our readers come regularly visit our blog (we appreaciate it very much!) and it wouldn't be very fair to leave it totally empty until spring therefore, I am proposing a new idea which is the following..                                         *drum roll*

I believe it's important to give chances/opportunities to other people who want to give their views, share their opinions/personal experiences on this topic. I am pretty sure there are lots of people out there who may be more experienced than us or more eloquent or more knowledgeable than us regarding Zawaj & all that comes under it. So, if you ever wished to write your thoughts on this subject or to explain your way/method or to even anonymously share your story/anecdotes then please do send us an e-mail at: zawajland@hotmail.com with your article written in a nice & presentable manner.

To prevent any misunderstandings & to assure that we are on the same wavelenght, I am putting a few conditions inshAllaah:

- Obviously, there shouldn't be anything that opposes our religion in your article
- If you wish for your article to be published anonymously, please do mention it in your email
- Share your thoughts whislt bearing in mind the sensitivities of other people
- Do not make it excessively long
- Keep to the topic
- Do not include other people's real names, no backbitting please

I hope we do get different perspectives from various people inshAllaah, I'm sure that will be very interessting because our views may be biased on what we have seen so getting other people's input will be very beneficial.

Finally, I would like to remind all that this blog is dedicated to motivate/advise/present thoughts and we are only seeking the Pleasure of Allaah (swt) despite our topic being a sensitive one, I always like to remember that if our intentions are correct we may well be rewarded for every letter we type on this blog. Let's always remember Allaah (swt), Creator of the Heavens & Earth in all our dealings and especially with regards to marriage.

See you back in April.. inshAlllaah.

SubhanakAllaahouma wa bihamdik, astaghfirullaahi wa atubu ilayh