Assalam 'Aleykum !
DISCLAIMER:
This post may be offensive to my brothers in Islam so it is with extra care and no sarcasm that I will be writing today's article inshAllaah. I will , in this post, reflect some of the concerns most sisters have regarding our brothers in faith. However, these are not a one-size-fits-all and I am not trying to stereotype or point fingers (I promise) but I'm here to address issues that I feel perhaps brothers are not conscious of and could possibly benefit from.
How's your Deen akhi?
It is known to everyone that MOST young people have returned to the Deen in the last 3 to 5 years and Allaah is praised for this, Alhamdulilaah! This recent phenomena has meant that we see more and more beards around, more swag like thobes and 'imamaahs but when it comes to asking the questions:
'So, when was the last time you prayed Qiyaam? Or, how frequently do you fast? What kutub or matn have you memorised?'
I mean apart from stutters, I haven't heard much.
'So, when was the last time you prayed Qiyaam? Or, how frequently do you fast? What kutub or matn have you memorised?'
I mean apart from stutters, I haven't heard much.
You may think.. woaaaah, memorise kutub? This sista is havin' a laugh! Who does she think she is?
Ok, give me a minute.
What brothers need to understand is that sisters (at least serious & practising ones) require brothers to have -at the very least- a strong base in Deen. A strong base in knowledge and a strong base in practice. Now, of course, the level required will differ from sister to sister.
A sister may be happy to marry a brother who can just teach her how to read Arabic and another may desire a brother who can teach her Nahw (Arabic Grammar). For a lot of us, the main reason why we turn down proposals is because we are presented with fresh-in-the-deen brothers who perhaps struggle with reading Fatiha with tajweed and who perhaps don't even know halaal from haram ect..
Where's the seeking of knowledge akhi?
The majority of young brothers in the West think, out of good intentions, that they seek knowledge and when a prospective sister asks this question, they jump in to say:
'Yes alhamdulilah I seek knowledge'.
But, it doesn't take too long to dig before you realise that; LO! AND BEHOLD!
What they actually mean by 'seeking knowledge' is attending 2hrs of islamic classes a week for the most adhering ones.
It's possible that there are brothers out there who do genuiely seek knowledge for the sake of Allah (although I'm the first to admit that there's only a certain amount we can seek in the West) - the majority does not and this point alone can easily make a sister turn down proposals.
Now, do not think for a second that you should seek knowledge for you to get married, you'll stain your intentions.
Seek knowledge for Allaah, aim to learn your religion so that you can one day teach & benefit your family and Allaah (swt) will open the doors to blessings for you.
Where's the money at brother?
I had to add this one in.
I never understood brothers who will present themselves to a sister while they don't have the financial means to sustain a wife. Funny thing is that they also know they're not able to provide for her but still want to marry. LALA-land at its finest.
'ajib isn't it?
Perhaps more worrying is the lack of responsability (al-mas'uliyyah) from our brothers, marriage is a whole load of responsabilities for both men and women but men have that bit extra responsability.
How sad is it to see them unaware of their role? Ignorant of their duties? Careless of their responsabilities? ----> Need i say more?
f.i.x u.p q.u.i.c.k
Where's the sabr (patience) bro?
They say patience is a virtue, I guess they were right.
Sometimes I feel like brothers have very little patience when it comes to the whole zawaj thing but some sisters also act recklessly at times (they'll have their own hold up post too).
I won't say much about this as it's quite self-explanatory (i hope) but patience in all situations is always a bonus and particularly in this issue.
Don't rush to marry a sister simply because she looks fine or because she seems religious. Take your time to require lenghtly but don't take years and years, make a decision and place your trust in Allah.
- ... - to be continued
Some may say your standards are too high, some may say you want the impossible. Others may say you are insatiable and will never get what you want.
ReplyDeleteI agree, we should seek out a potential spouse who will bring us closer to Allah SWT. I'm afraid your romanticized vision of an "ideal" spouse is getting in the way of reality. Your estimation of a potential spouse is solely based on what "seems" apparent. There is no textbook husband or wife. You're setting yourself up for failure.
These "levels" that you speak of hold no weight. Your expectations are not the Criterion of that which raise rank with Allah SWT.
Be mindful of belittling your Brothers/Sisters in Deen. I doubt its pleasing to Allah SWT. If one is furthering their Deen by knowledge and action that's pleasing to Allah SWT, who are we to discredit them.
As salam aleykum brother, firstly JazakAllah Khayr for your comment. It seems that despite all my efforts to prevent anyone taking offence didn't really work as well as I thought! It's not any benefit to me to belittle any of my brother or sister in faith, may Allah preserve me from such behaviour. It seems you don't agree with the seeking knowledge part and you're right, if one is furthering on their Deen by means of a weekly 2hrs duroos then let it be mashAllah, it's great. I feel like you've missed my point. Regarding my supposedly "romanticised" vision, I would like to think I am far from that walhamdulilah and my vision is clear. If you think we are not conveying the message intended correctly, do correct us inshallah. I have no issues with that but kindly refrain from little perks. BarakAllah feek and I hope this clarifies the above post a little.
DeleteWalaikum Salaam. Wa Iyakki.
DeleteApologies. I didn't take offense.
I understand and agree that we should have "reasonable" standards when choosing a spouse. However, not at the expense creating a sense of rank and status within the Ummah. This is one of the major problems we are suffering from. We need not add to it. These false senses of hierarchy do nothing but cause division. You tended to generalize in your initial post. That's unfair to both parties when solely dealing with opinion.
Seeking knowledge is a benefit for one's self, only if its implemented. Its incumbent upon all. Some Muslims who have inspired me are not necessarily the most knowledgeable. Sometimes its one's passion for the Deen, which is reflected in speech and action.
Sister, it may not have been your intention to belittle Brothers (and Sisters), but I fear you may have. I get the sense that you feel those Brothers and Sisters who are "lacking" are beneath you.
If the intent was to enlighten or inspire, I'm not sure it will serve its purpose.
Assalam aleykum,
DeleteYou need to realise that there is nothing wrong with a sister wishing to marry a brother with knowledge, this is not belittling or looking down on anyone. I am not saying that every one would absolutely marry a student of knowledge but if that's my personal preference I don't see where there is a problem. This blog is after all about my personal encounters, thoughts and rants, the only downside in the article above and I will agree with you on this, is that perhaps I was a bit too generalising (despite sincere efforts not to). But I have Allah as my witness that I did not wish for anyone to feel that their 2hrs of Islamic studies was "not good enough" and I will, inshallah, re-address this point next time. Another good point of yours, (I will give credit where it's due) is I agree, not all people who seek knowledge actually act on their knowledge and one could possibly be fooled in merely focusing on this aspect without double checking or making sure that actions do follow up. JazakAllah Khayr for mentioning that. Once again, apologies for the lack of clarity.