Did my question offend you brother?

Bismillah.
Sister, have you ever felt like you want to ask your potential husband a question but feel as if he is going to be 'put off' if you do ask?
Brother, has a sister interested in marrying you ever offended you by asking the dreaded question?

"WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?"

Okay, so it might not be the most dreaded scariest question ever (especially if his job isn't an issue) but for some brothers and sisters it can be an uncomfortable question to raise.

I, for instance (like many other sisters) feel that if you do ask the above question, you might perhaps be labelled by your potential husband as a gold digger, or an individual who is more concerned about his wealth, status and job. Some sisters however feel that they have the right to ask and are most definitely not afraid to do so. Whereas there may be some shyer sisters, who imagine, that in his mind he is thinking:

"Oh so Umm Mus'ab, is my job more important that my eman?"

"Sister, you are judging me on my secular education, rather than my Islamic knowledge"

" You sisters these days, are so superficial. May Allah guide you all. Why does it matter if I work in a factory or work for a multimillionaire business?"

"Is this question really necessary? Instead of scrutinizing my taqwa (piety), you scrutinize my job title. Allahu akbar!"

It may be an uncomfortable question for some sisters to ask and for some brothers to answer, especially since the young alhamdulilah are deciding to adhere to the Sunnah and marry young. A young brother may not have got a great job with wonderful pay or he may not even have a job at all and just be in education, so did her question offend you brother?

Brother, make your money and then come to me! 

Us sisters love the hadeeth about 'Abdur-Rahman bin 'Auf and Sad bin Ar-Rabi' Al Ansari.When Abdur Rahman migrated Madinah with nothing a man of Ansar (Sad bin Ar-Rabi') offered to look after him, for the sake of Allah. Sad said that he would split half of his wealth with Abdur Rahman and would divorce one of his wives for him. The people of Ansar had shown great love to the Migrants from Makkah, after the Prophet had explained to them about brotherhood. Abdur Rahman kindly refused the offer and decided that he would make his own money and then get married.


- 'Abdur-Rahman replied, "May Allah bless you with your wives and property. Kindly show me the market." So 'Abdur-Rahman went to the market and gained (in bargains) some dried yoghurt and some butter. After a few days the Prophet saw Abdur-Rahman with some yellow stains on his clothes and asked him, "What is that, O 'Abdur-Rahman?" He replied, "I had married an Ansari woman." The Prophet asked, "How much Mahr did you give her?" He replied, "The weight of one (date) stone of gold." The Prophet said, "Offer a banquet, even with one sheep." (Bukhari) 1

But sister, remember hadeeth of the man who had nothing and married a woman, the mahr was only to teach her the Qur'an? 

This is a famous hadeeth and I know brothers must love quoting it when sisters try to go crazy about the dowry. This hadeeth is about a man who had nothing to give a woman that he wished to marry and after searching for things to give her Rasoolullah (SAW) said that the man should teach her the Qur'an


- So that man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart). When Allah's Apostle saw him going, he ordered that he be called back. When he came, the Prophet said, "How much of the Quran do you know?" He said, "I know such Sura and such Sura," counting them. The Prophet said, "Do you know them by heart?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Go, I marry her to you for that much of the Quran which you have."  (Bukhari)  2

Your potential husbands job may be an issue and you have every right to ask since he will be the provider of the household, but it becomes a problem when it is your biggest concern. When you put his job or career before anything else. And it becomes a disaster if you reject him because of this. We don't want the conversation between two potential partners to look like this:

Sister: Masha Allah, how much Qur'an have you memorized?

Brother: Alhamdulilah I have memorized from Juz Ama to Surah Ra'd 

Sister: Masha Allah, so what do you do for a living?

Brother: I am a primary school teacher. I teach Arabic.

Sister: Really? Cool. So what's the pay like?

Brother: Alhamdulilah it's not bad... 

Sister: So, can you afford to go on holidays?

Brother: Erm well, I am saving for a trip to Umrah in sha Allah

Sister: Okay, so you don't go on holidays regularly?

Brother: You know some times, it's quite expensive to go.

Sister: Hmm true. So were do you do your food shopping?

Brother: (laughs) Ermm at Walmart. Why does that matter?

Sister: You shop at Walmart?! Okay, sorry. I am not ready for marriage.

Do not spread fitnah my dear sisters! Part 2 coming soon in sha Allah.
---------------
1  Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 10 
 2 Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 24 (for full hadeeth)

Why weep at your friend's wedding?

Bismillah, Asalamu alaikum. 

A few weeks ago, perhaps even a month now, a good friend of mine got married alhamdulilah. So leading up to the wedding, I was extremely excited for her and wished that the Nikkah would be over and done with ASAP! The nikkah day came, quicker than I had anticipated, then it was time for the women to come together for the walimah in the evening. Now, I will admit that I am not a keen wedding go-er. To be blunt, I dislike going to weddings. Not the actual occasion but the stress that a young woman has to go through before turning up at a wedding. I am not so sure about other cultures but in my culture the women are very glamorous looking at weddings, and of course to achieve this you have to plan step by step how you are going to acheive looking like an amazingly beautiful woman who looks nothing like you that night. Inevitably most women are eyeing each other up. This is what I dislike. The eyeing up part. It's all well and fun imagining what you are going to wear and how you will do your hair but with me when the day comes, I don't even want to get out of bed. So, my friend's wedding came. Too early for me. The night before I went on a rant about how stressful we make weddings, and the next day, I was grumpy. But of course I ended up at the wedding. Obviously. 

All the women and children stood up for the bride was about to enter the hall. The crowd were excited to see the bride and were pushing each other just to get a view (it was pretty packed, my friend is almost famous). I pushed through the crowds to get to the front and when I set my eyes on the bride, uncontrollably, tears began to run down my cheeks. It was so weird. My friend, my silly school friend, getting married. It was strange. Seeing her younger sister walking next to her made me even more emotional. 

In need of tissue I went to find another friend who looked at me with disgust. "Why are you crying?" she asked. "You were the same person who was ranting last night about how much you hate weddings and now you are crying." She was right. 

I sat down and asked myself why I was crying. Why did I cry at her getting married? Was it out of happiness or out of random emotion. 

Maybe it was a bit of both but what was stuck in my mind that night as we left for home was the question. It played on my mind. I re-pictured the bride enter the hall, my tears, and my friend looking at me like 'why?'. 

I knew before I went to sleep the main reason I weeped. That my friend getting married symbolized time flying by and waiting for nobody. That none of us would forever remain young, that one day (by the will of Allah) we would marry, bear children and eventually hit the grave. This isn't the life for everybody, Allah takes the souls of some before they even marry or have children. Only Allah knows the future. But one thing that we need to bear in mind is that time waits for no man, that we cannot always be children or rely on our parents. That one day, time will fly past you so quickly, you will be in your grave before you know it. I am not encouraging one to fear and dread death, but what I worry about is, have I done enough as a Muslimah in the dunya to please Allah? 


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Polygamy: Advice for brothers (again)

Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

You're most probably thinking 'oh no, not another polygamy rant by a sister!' You needn't worry in sha Allah. I've come but as an adviser to my unmarried (polygamy loving) brothers. Unraise your eyebrow please.

Marriage as well as Jinns are Muslims favourite topics. We can talk about them for hours (hence why I am typing this right now and your eyes fixated on your screen) Single sisters like to talk about marriage, and for some strange reason, it just never gets boring. Inevitably, polygamy pops up during the discussion. There are no heated debates or heart attacks when polygamy is mentioned. Why should there be? However, the heat begins to rise when a sister is asked whether she would be let her husband marry another woman. We talk about marriage and polygamy, which probably means brothers talk about it all the time (I'm kidding. I am sure it's not all the time. Most of the time) It appears as if quite a few brothers do not seem to mind marrying one, two, three or four. Isn't this the dream of the ultimate macho man?

So,  we've established that you wan't a 2nd wife, now or after you get the 1st one. You wish to have a young pious sister who hasn't ever been "touched". A younger version of your 1st wife, most probably.

Rightio! I am going to have to tell you to take pause for a second. Listen to me brother.

In one of my previous posts I mentioned the disabled unmarried sister that I met in the masjid. Sadly, divorce rates amongst Muslims seem to be soaring, so there are divorcees with children too. And not forgetting widows. Dear brother, do you understand how difficult it is for these women to re-marry? If you are truly looking to marry for the sake of Allah, why not consider marrying a woman who is in this position? I thought you were a hard macho man?
Wallahil atheem This is a problem that I see from afar. Brothers are running to re-marry shy virgin girls while there are so many other girls who would happily accept marrying as a 2nd wife. Leave the shy single sisters for the shy unmarried brothers. Also, if you are considering a 2nd wife and your bestfriend is single, for crying out loud, help him out. Wish for your brother what you wish for yourself.

This is a bit of a rant yes but I hope you take at least some consideration to what I have mentioned.

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Umm Mus'ab

Like father like daughter: Advice for brothers when marrying

Bismillahi rahmani raheem

For a lot of women, their fathers are the most important men in their lives. In fact, before you decide to turn up, her father is (most probably) the only man in her life. No pressure there.

Do not be naïve and assume that I am naïve about the sleepiness nights that brothers get before meeting the father of their potential wife. I feel for you. Believe me though; I am not here to scare you out of marrying. I just sense that men nowadays do not value the relationship between a woman and her father, and if it happens to be that this relationship is very strong, you’ll have to listen up.

What to do:

• Be genuine.

Don’t fake it. Don’t be “over friendly” or laugh too much at his jokes. Her daddy might like it but 99.9% of the time, she’ll see right through your rubbish acting. You’re going to look desperate. Even worse, you’ll appear as if you’re treating the “getting to know the father” stage, as an exam that you need to pass quickly. Marriage is for life and you’re marrying into her family too. I am not suggestion you need to learn his biography and tell me what time he was born but just get to know him, a little. If he tells an ancient joke, simply smile, don’t roar with laugher.  

• Get to know him

Like I said before, the sister won’t set you a timed exam on his life, however listen to what he says and remember, (at least) his middle name.

• Listen to him

Worst case scenario: You’re chatting, chatting, chatting away for England while dad sits there listening to all you have to say. It will make your potential wife sick. Literally. She’ll wonder why you are so self indulged. Nothing more pleasant that a good listener, especially when listening to her daddy. (Note: do not become mute either)

• Never call him “old man”

“Yeah, your “old man” is funny” you tell her casually. She’ll stab you in the back. Don’t call her father “old man”. Never ever.

• Don’t try to be her father

You’ll get rejected if you do this. She wants a husband not a 2^nd father. And she will proclaim that you cannot and will not ever be her father anyway. So that’s two-nil. It may not be incest to marry somebody who tries to be your parent but for obvious reasons, stay away from it.

Hmm, this is all I have on my mind right now. My father means so much to me and no man will ever replace him (sorry!) Sisters dislike brothers (as religious as they may be) who think that they have the whole package (nothing wrong with confidence) but forget that pleasing her father means pleasing her.

I cannot speak for every sister out there, not everybody have a close nit relationship with their father but this is advice for brothers who may encounter women whose fathers have raised them and are about to let them go.

Umm Mus’ab & UmmZaid who totally agrees <3

If you have ever wished for a brother with a long beard and the whitest qamis

All praise is due to Allah, the Creator of everything which exits. 
Bismillaah.

What is wrong with me? I have not begun most of my posts in the name of Allah or even with Bismillah. Ya Umm Mus'ab, what iz wrong wizz youue ukhti, bleaas tell me? 

This is for the sisters who have ever wished for a brother with a beautiful beard and a very white qamis. The brother who lowers his gaze in the street and looks only upon his wife with a smile. The brother is seen rushing to the masjid for salah. The brother who proudly wears his clothes in accordance with the Sunnah and aspires to resemble our beloved Nabee sallalahu alaihi wa sallam.

"Hold up. Ukhti, where's your hijab?"
"Stop being silly man"
"I'm not"
"On my head, you plonker"
"You're not ready for abaya or jilbab yet, I'm guessing"
"Nope, not ready yet. Sister please make dua for me though. I saw such a masha Allah brother today, in qamis and with a beard. He was lowering his gaze as well. I want a husband like that!"
"In sha Allah I will. I will also make dua that you begin to cover up"
"Whaaaat?"

Maybe you think that this post is heading towards: clothing automatically make you pious, like shahada automatically make a murjiee a  mu'min (supposedly)
That is not what I am trying to say. Although, we can all agree that covering correctly is wajib upon every believing man and woman. What buggles my mind so much is, why do sisters with camel hump, skin tight abaya, or jegging wearing hijabis think that one day a brother resembling a scholar will knock on their door for marriage? Allah knows best. Sister, you can flower yourself up as much as you like. Draw on your eyebrows, your lips, colour yourself in with make up. In fact! Reinvent yourself. Make up is powerful.
(For my less advanced readers, I am fluent in sarcasm.) But I guarantee you that Shaikh Sudais will not come knocking for you. Neither will his son.
This goes for brothers too. I know of sisters who observe the correct hijab who have been approached by brothers who desired to "get to know them" for marriage (i.e talk on the phone and what not). As you are guessing, these brothers were not observing their own "Hijab" - shaven, long trousers etc. Al hamdulilah brothers desire women who are covered for the sake of Allah but should you not take a glance at yourself before even eyeing up covered sisters.

The real question is, would you marry you?

BEFORE I GET HATE MAIL: No, I am not impying that sisters who wear jilbab or brothers who do not shave are much more pious. I do not encourage sisters to observe the niqab because this may bring brothers to come and ask for your hand, no no no, Allah will not be pleased with that. Remember to be sincere and do whatever act of worship you do, to be for Allah alone. The reward is great in sha Allah.

O Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover yourselves (screen your private parts, etc.) and as an adornment, and the raiment of righteousness, that is better. Such are among the Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) of Allah, that they may remember (i.e. leave falsehood and follow truth). (7:26) 

Would you marry her?

Taking off our damp socks, we took refuge in the warmth of the masjid. The slices of gâteau we had bought were now squashed in our bags, nonetheless our growling stomachs were anticipating the taste. After performing two rakats, we rolled up our sleeves, preparing ourselves to assault the gâteau, what was left of it. A middle aged woman was sitting opposite us, we offered her some cake. Little did I know that I was going to remember this meeting for a very long time.

The first thing that struck me about her were her big brown eyes. I had to stop myself from staring at her. She had a soft tone to her voice and her speech was eloquent masha Allaah.  Although from time to time during our conversation, self consciously she'd ask  what I thought of her "poor" English. Her native language was Arabic, she was fluent in French too and English of course. From her bag she pulled out a lunch box. She was keen to share her rice with us but we kindly declined. She insisted. So we ate. We spoke with her, laughed and learnt. 

This sister, I thought, was most probably a wonderful mother and a loving wife. Fluent in Arabic and memorized a good amount of the Qu'ran, not to mention that her rice tasted brilliant.The sister was warm, had a very motherly feeling about her. She smiled a lot, read to us too. By Allah my friend and I had taken a great liking to her. I asked about her children, she told me she had none. Embarrassed, I asked about her husband instead, she told me didn't have one. 

I found out that the sister was disabled. If anything, her disability was not obvious at all until she stood up for salah. She had a problem with her right leg. Of course, I did not feel comfortable throwing all these questions about her. Shrugging her shoulders, she'd utter even righteous men didn't want a woman who had a "wonky leg". Inevitably we encouraged her to look harder, for real pious men, men with knowledge, men who would marry for the sake of Allah. She just shrugged and said she had looked hard enough. She had looked everywhere, she told us. 
It was still raining outside when we had to leave for home. 

Where are our men?

Umm Mus'ab

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Alhamdulilaah- All Praises and Thanks are due to Allaah [swt]

Who is getting married? Is it our parents or is it us?
For some of us, it seems that when it comes to the issue of marriage, it's not only us that are getting on the zawaj plane but it's also our parents. Our parents decide when we should get married, to whom we should get married, how we should get married ect.. The list is rather long. And, if the 'child' happens to be a *shy* *reserved* and of a *weird* character then zawaj ain't gonna happen anytime soon.
 In most cultures, when it comes to zawaj, it is never one person marrying another, usually it's a whole family marrying another-  two whole separate world coming into one. So, our parents will without a shadow of a doubt play a *major* part in this whole trip to Zawajland. That's why I think it's important for us to maintain a very good relationship with our parents since the key is in their hands [especially for sisters]- you don't want your father to throw the key in the well.

There are four types of parents-

 1) The Strictly Religious Parents
If you happen to be from such a family then rejoice- you have hope in that they will be understanding once *you* make the choice that *you*'re ready to get on the plane. They will -hopefully- support you, advise you and make it easy for you to fulfill your deen. With this type of parents, communication is fairely easy as you can discuss based on daleels and have interesting discussions. Beware however, of discussing points of ikhtilaaf or enter the doors of ijtihaad lest you would create unneccessary problems onto yourself!

2) The Pushy Parents
This is the type of parents who is pushing you to marry even if you don't really want to. They arrange meetings with the worst possible people on this planet i.e- your cousins! They're not really bothered about education, they just want to see their future grand-children. The best way to deal with such parents is to be really honest and tell 'em the truth: 'You're not marrying none of your cousins!', then put your trust in Allaah and make loads of duas. My sincere compassion goes to all those who come under this category- only the strong ones will survive!

3) The Strictly Educated Parents
This is the types of parents who have spend their lives studying, love study and anything related to education. Usually you will find that the uncle, the aunty and other relatives are also highly educated, and even the grand-father is into education, everywhere you look- education seems to be *THE* thing. Once again, my heart goes out to all those who come under this category because that means you'll probably also have to reach a *high* educational level since a simple degree isn't all that impressive any longer. Parents want minimum a Masters and grand-father expects a PhD from you- so chin up, the only thing you can do for now is to daydream about Zawaj. In most cases, it's difficult to argue with such parents since they bought you in this 'education-loving' spirit, so I suggest you don't dissapoint them and do what you got to do. May Allaah make it easy for ya.

4) The way-too-easy-going-Family
This is the type of parents who are easy-going, almost 'don't care' about anything regarding zawaj. They're not Muslims or are not practising. It is extremely hard to communicate with them about anything and especially about Zawaj- because you both have two distinct ideas about it. If they let you marry the person of your choice, you'll still have to battle through having a halal waleemah ya3ni:- no music, no free-mixing, no recording, no extra useless things, no singer, no to the hotel reception, no no and no. You will need a Lot of patience, a Lot of hikmah and a Lot of forbearance. May Allaah make it easy for ya too.

I'm sure there are more types of parents- feel free to tell us and also tell us which category you're from and how do you deal with it, maybe others can beneficiate!

Inshallaah, next time I shall be exploring the different type of sisters too- that's gonna be interesting.

May Allaah bless us all and give satisfaction to our hearts. May Allaah protect our parents regardless of which category they're from! They're our parents, the reason we strive, we wouldn't be anything without them, remember to keep your parents in your duas folk- they're very very precious. One of the Salaf said that it is from 'Biir' meaning from Goodness to the parents that you should AT least make ONE dua for them in ONE of our salaahs during the day. Ya Allaah, forgive our parents and have mercy upon them as they had mercy upon us when we were young. Ya Allaah, they've taken good care of us and still are.. ya Allaah icnrease their ranks in Jannaah. Mom, Dad, I love you !

Salaam!
UmmZaid-