Family Issues

Assalam 'aleykum,


January 2011


I had to go to Swizertland for 2 weeks; partly for research purposes (education) and partly for family purposes. I was staying over my father's cousin's house (my aunt and her husband) they've seen me grow up and I'm very comfortable around them. In fact, during my stay I was treated like a little princess. They showered me with great compassion and love, may Allaah protect them!

One day, as I was chilling in the living room, the phone house rings and my aunt picks up. It turns out to be her sister, my aunt from London, we'll call her Aunty F.
A few weeks earlier, I had bumped into her at a wedding so I happily embraced her & engaged into a rather short conversation (I had to leave) but before I left, she managed to introduce me to a lady who was sitting next to her so I warmly greeted the lady, as Aunt F. was telling her about my whole family tree line (so typical). This lady is the mother of Ali (read-on)

Back to our story, after a while, the phone is handed over to me so I speak to Aunty F. and she's asking me various (normal) questions like: -when did you come? -how's everything? -how's the weather? You get the picture right? Then she said:

'Habo (affectionate word), I love you a lot. You're such a hard working-girl and very religious mashAllaah! I've been thinking about you lately and .... well, there's this man who's family and he's also very religious. I can see you with him and I want you to consider this my love. What do you think?'

I was astonished and shocked. As she was talking, I was just saying: 'aah okay, mashAllaah, alhamdulilaah, jazakAllaah khayra, thank you aunty..' into an emotionless voice because:

1) I didn't know what else to say
2) The aunty I was staying with was around, I didn't want her to hear (but of course, she knew all about it too)
3) I thought of leaving the room and go somewhere else but I didn't want to look suspicious.

Deep down, I didn't really believe anything would actually happen, I thought 'oh she's just sharing a thought she had..and that's all' .. I was wrong.
As I put the phone down, I thought to myself '*shrugs* whatever, I'm not interested, nothing's happening..' and I left it there.

Later on the same day, my aunty's house got filled with men, about 3 men. Therefore, I retreated to my room which was quite good because I had work to get on with. About 20 mins later, my uncle knocks on the door and says I have a phone call, I'm thinking it's probably mom or dad but no. Instead, it turned out to be Aunt F.'s husband!
Now, I don't know Aunt F.'s husband at all, I think I only saw him once when I was a kid so I didn't even realise it was him when I spoke on the phone.

The conversation goes as follows:

Him: Assalam 'aleykum adeer, how are you doing?
Me: Alhamdulilaah I'm good, and yourself? -I still havn't figured out who I'm talking to-
Him: Alhamdulilaah we're all good, I believe you spoke to Aunty F. today? -Now I get the picture and my brain is rushing at the maximum speed-
Me: mmh yes we spoke this morning
Him: Okay, well here's the man... *silence* I'm handing the phone over to him now okay?
Me:    *omg!!* Pinch me, is this a nightmare?!

Let's call the brother Ali:

Ali: *strong London accent* Assalam 'aleykum sista, my name's Ali and I'm 25 years old. I'm Salafi, been practising for a year, I'm doing an IT course at the moment. I was born in Africa and I live in North London. Can you tell me more about yourself?
Me: (words can't describe the way my heart dropped after he spoke, but I had to recollect myself) Wa'aleykum salam, erm.. mashAllaah.. I'm a bit confused why you're telling all of this?
Ali: I wanna get married before the end of the year init. I heard you're finishing university as well
Me: err yes but I have other projects. Plus I don't think you should be calling me without my parent's knowledge.
Ali: I know, I know you're in Swizertland but yeah just think about it and I'll contact you back once you come to London. Assalam 'aleykum
Me:.....wa'aleyka salaam.


It was longer than this but I just put the main part. I put the phone down and thought: what on earth is this?! Were they all awaiting me to be far from my parents to bring this show? I was so shocked because these people are really close family and although they thought they were doing good, they were in fact, sowing seeds of fitna.

The same day, my hero (my father's brother) came and I recalled the whole story to him. He got very angry, he said it was irresponsible and unacceptable. I tried to forget all about it for the remaining part of my time there. Once I returned to London, I obviously informed my mother who was also rather angry about it. Mother said that Aunty. F should have contacted her first, they're family and I'm not an orphan when she's coming to me straightaway without consulting the bigger authority (parents) first. I agreed. My mother called Aunty F. for an explanation and my mother kinda cooled down when she found out the man's family is quite 'well-respected' and that she knew the mother..somehow back in the days.

Weeks later, the guy Ali manages to get my mobile number (the cheek of him!) and calls me numerous times which I missed on purpose. I decided to text him instead and told him frankly to go his own way. And he did.

Turns Off:

- The way in which this whole scenario happened was a major turn off! You should not call a sister on her phone or call her when she's away from her parents. That's rude and offensive!
- The brother's introduction was off-the-hook. Mentioning 'he is a Salafi' like it's a nationality was completely derogatory. I never understand people who feel the need to express their adherence to salafiyyah in such a way. Surely the salaafu-saleeh never shouted around: 'Hey, I'm a salaf, marry me?'
- The slang just killed me. I'm not a big fan of slang and I barely understand it, it's a foreign language to me.
- Putting a time limit 'I have to get married before the end of the year' that's a big flop. My people have this saying 'whoever gets on a tree quickly will fall off quickly'. Simple
- Recently, my parents found out that the brother in question wasn't very stable (mentally). As much as I felt sorry for him, I was angry that my aunties were pushing me to get to know someone who wasn't really fit. A friend of mine told me she was also pushed to consider someone who was once a 'gangster' by her family. There's this new thing where some people think that a religious girl can turn a bad guy into a good guy, so they're hunting for those girls leaving no consideration whatsoever to her desires. It's very selfish and unfair.

Why should a girl who preserved herself all her life should get married with a guy who's 'been there and done that'?
Why should an educated girl be pushed to marry a guy who has never been to school?
Why should girls leave everything to marry some guy?