Family Issues 2

So-called 'family hook-ups' don't always work, this 2nd example will clearly show this. The reason why they sometimes don't work is because the families or family friend are trying to bring together 2 opposite people in a bid to marry them to each other. Fat chance!

Summer 2009

One beautiful day, my mother sends my sister & I to bring our aunty  from her mother's house (our grand-ma) to our house, she was meant to stay a few days with us. We set off to the other side of the city and arrived at the house which was filled with women - some we knew but most were unknown. Regardless, we greeted each one indivudually and sat down as we were being scrutinised from head-to-toe. Women from my country like to comment to details, little time had passed before they began commenting on my sister's abaya and hijab and my jilbab, enquiring almost in a rude way 'why I was not teaching my sister to wear the jilbab' and 'why wasn't she dressed like I was'. I was defending my newly-practising sister by saying that she'll wear it in due time and that she's covered up decently, no need to rub it in.

Anyway, no need to say that I was getting a lot of attention that day. The aunt we came to get is very sweet but she exaggerates things a lot (another typical feature of Somaali women) so she was telling the other women about my religious dedication (lol) and my love for the Deen whilst multiplicating and engrossing the facts. As a result, all the women were alternating between the tahmid (alhamdulilaah) and the tasbih (subhanallah) as well as the 'mashAllaah' in many folds. It was getting a bit uncomfortable for me and I couldn't wait to get out of there and go home. As we were preparing to leave, my father's cousin (my aunt) asked me for my number. I love her so I had no objection to give it out. She was sitting at the other side of the room so I was telling her my number.. 'okay it's 078...' easily in the hearing range of everyone else. Little did I know that a strange woman was also taking my number down.

We finally managed to leave the house with our aunt as well as that woman since we were heading to the same station. On the way to the station, the lady wouldn't stop talking to me and complimenting me. I mean, I've become deaf to praise (walhamdulilah) but this was something else! She began to mention her son slyly but I could see her game and was quite honest with her. She went her way and we went ours.

One day, she called me and I quickly remembered her voice, she said that I was still in her mind and that she still loved me (I only met her once?!) -i don't understand what it is with the emotional blackmail lol- and that her son was still available. I gently declined but with these type of women, gently declining is like agreeing. That's something I learnt.

Ramadan 2009

Few weeks after that incident, the blessed month of Ramadan began and this whole thing went at the back of my mind. I didn't even tell my mother because I thought I handled the situation rather well, oh how wrong was I to belittle the scheme of women!

The month flew by and soon we had entered into the last 10 days. I remember clearly on the 27th night of Ramadan, we had begged our mother to let us stay & complete the taraweeh with the Imam (it would end a bit before midnight), she allowed us but she was worried. I decided to put my phone on vibrate so that if she calls then I'd finish my rak'at and leave. Whilst in the prayer, my phone rang once. Twice. Thirce. Four times, five times. It wouldn't stop vibrating! I thought: that's not mother for sure, who is calling me at this time of this blessed night?

Checked my phone and it was a funny number that I didn't have saved. I ignored it but it called again as I was going home so I picked up and the voice said: 'Hello..hallo'. It was a man's voice so I hunged up immediately. I texted asking who the person was, and the person replied with broken english. I tried to remind him of the importance of this night and his disturbance was not needed especially at this time. I had decided to call the woman in the morning and make myself clear to her because she had crossed 'the' line.

I prepared a speech on a piece of paper with my points numbered in the right order and I called her. I told her she had made a mistake and that it wasn't right for her to pass my number. I insisted on the religious error she committed and she didn't like it very much saying 'Habo, I know the religion too.' ''/ All in all, as she was talking the line got cut and she never called back.

Last year, I was told that her son married someone back home and I saw the wedding clip lol. All I can say is Allaah's Qadr outreaches all other things. I learnt that the son worked in an internet cafe and that the mother was worried about the girls that he was meeting and she wanted to secure a religious girl for her son. Once again, this selfish attitude is to be denounced! I'm not mentioning these annecdotes for the sake of it but this is a trend lately. Good, pure sisters are hooked up with funny, dodgy brothers who have little to offer her. This is usually done behind the parents' back despite them knowing the girl's parents and sometimes being related to them.

All I can say is that I've grown wiser & stronger from these experiences and I have learnt to expect the unexpected. Family hook-ups are a no-no for me unless it's coming from my parents, I don't mind them because I know they want the best for me but other than them, no thank you.

Sisters, be careful and say NO to the emotional blackmail that is going around.

Family Issues

Assalam 'aleykum,


January 2011


I had to go to Swizertland for 2 weeks; partly for research purposes (education) and partly for family purposes. I was staying over my father's cousin's house (my aunt and her husband) they've seen me grow up and I'm very comfortable around them. In fact, during my stay I was treated like a little princess. They showered me with great compassion and love, may Allaah protect them!

One day, as I was chilling in the living room, the phone house rings and my aunt picks up. It turns out to be her sister, my aunt from London, we'll call her Aunty F.
A few weeks earlier, I had bumped into her at a wedding so I happily embraced her & engaged into a rather short conversation (I had to leave) but before I left, she managed to introduce me to a lady who was sitting next to her so I warmly greeted the lady, as Aunt F. was telling her about my whole family tree line (so typical). This lady is the mother of Ali (read-on)

Back to our story, after a while, the phone is handed over to me so I speak to Aunty F. and she's asking me various (normal) questions like: -when did you come? -how's everything? -how's the weather? You get the picture right? Then she said:

'Habo (affectionate word), I love you a lot. You're such a hard working-girl and very religious mashAllaah! I've been thinking about you lately and .... well, there's this man who's family and he's also very religious. I can see you with him and I want you to consider this my love. What do you think?'

I was astonished and shocked. As she was talking, I was just saying: 'aah okay, mashAllaah, alhamdulilaah, jazakAllaah khayra, thank you aunty..' into an emotionless voice because:

1) I didn't know what else to say
2) The aunty I was staying with was around, I didn't want her to hear (but of course, she knew all about it too)
3) I thought of leaving the room and go somewhere else but I didn't want to look suspicious.

Deep down, I didn't really believe anything would actually happen, I thought 'oh she's just sharing a thought she had..and that's all' .. I was wrong.
As I put the phone down, I thought to myself '*shrugs* whatever, I'm not interested, nothing's happening..' and I left it there.

Later on the same day, my aunty's house got filled with men, about 3 men. Therefore, I retreated to my room which was quite good because I had work to get on with. About 20 mins later, my uncle knocks on the door and says I have a phone call, I'm thinking it's probably mom or dad but no. Instead, it turned out to be Aunt F.'s husband!
Now, I don't know Aunt F.'s husband at all, I think I only saw him once when I was a kid so I didn't even realise it was him when I spoke on the phone.

The conversation goes as follows:

Him: Assalam 'aleykum adeer, how are you doing?
Me: Alhamdulilaah I'm good, and yourself? -I still havn't figured out who I'm talking to-
Him: Alhamdulilaah we're all good, I believe you spoke to Aunty F. today? -Now I get the picture and my brain is rushing at the maximum speed-
Me: mmh yes we spoke this morning
Him: Okay, well here's the man... *silence* I'm handing the phone over to him now okay?
Me:    *omg!!* Pinch me, is this a nightmare?!

Let's call the brother Ali:

Ali: *strong London accent* Assalam 'aleykum sista, my name's Ali and I'm 25 years old. I'm Salafi, been practising for a year, I'm doing an IT course at the moment. I was born in Africa and I live in North London. Can you tell me more about yourself?
Me: (words can't describe the way my heart dropped after he spoke, but I had to recollect myself) Wa'aleykum salam, erm.. mashAllaah.. I'm a bit confused why you're telling all of this?
Ali: I wanna get married before the end of the year init. I heard you're finishing university as well
Me: err yes but I have other projects. Plus I don't think you should be calling me without my parent's knowledge.
Ali: I know, I know you're in Swizertland but yeah just think about it and I'll contact you back once you come to London. Assalam 'aleykum
Me:.....wa'aleyka salaam.


It was longer than this but I just put the main part. I put the phone down and thought: what on earth is this?! Were they all awaiting me to be far from my parents to bring this show? I was so shocked because these people are really close family and although they thought they were doing good, they were in fact, sowing seeds of fitna.

The same day, my hero (my father's brother) came and I recalled the whole story to him. He got very angry, he said it was irresponsible and unacceptable. I tried to forget all about it for the remaining part of my time there. Once I returned to London, I obviously informed my mother who was also rather angry about it. Mother said that Aunty. F should have contacted her first, they're family and I'm not an orphan when she's coming to me straightaway without consulting the bigger authority (parents) first. I agreed. My mother called Aunty F. for an explanation and my mother kinda cooled down when she found out the man's family is quite 'well-respected' and that she knew the mother..somehow back in the days.

Weeks later, the guy Ali manages to get my mobile number (the cheek of him!) and calls me numerous times which I missed on purpose. I decided to text him instead and told him frankly to go his own way. And he did.

Turns Off:

- The way in which this whole scenario happened was a major turn off! You should not call a sister on her phone or call her when she's away from her parents. That's rude and offensive!
- The brother's introduction was off-the-hook. Mentioning 'he is a Salafi' like it's a nationality was completely derogatory. I never understand people who feel the need to express their adherence to salafiyyah in such a way. Surely the salaafu-saleeh never shouted around: 'Hey, I'm a salaf, marry me?'
- The slang just killed me. I'm not a big fan of slang and I barely understand it, it's a foreign language to me.
- Putting a time limit 'I have to get married before the end of the year' that's a big flop. My people have this saying 'whoever gets on a tree quickly will fall off quickly'. Simple
- Recently, my parents found out that the brother in question wasn't very stable (mentally). As much as I felt sorry for him, I was angry that my aunties were pushing me to get to know someone who wasn't really fit. A friend of mine told me she was also pushed to consider someone who was once a 'gangster' by her family. There's this new thing where some people think that a religious girl can turn a bad guy into a good guy, so they're hunting for those girls leaving no consideration whatsoever to her desires. It's very selfish and unfair.

Why should a girl who preserved herself all her life should get married with a guy who's 'been there and done that'?
Why should an educated girl be pushed to marry a guy who has never been to school?
Why should girls leave everything to marry some guy?