بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Assalam 'Aleykum,
Let's imagine Sister X finally found the right Brother Y, the two families are happy, the mahr has been reasonably fixed (keyword: 'reasonably'), the day carefully chosen, the people informed and invitations sent out .. in other words, all is ready & set for the B.I.G Day. ^.^
No doubt, the wedding day is most probably one of the most nerve-wracking experiences a woman or a man will ever go through, just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. But, as everything else in this religion of ours, this matter has also regulations & limits, there are ways to turn this day into the most beautiful day of your life or to turn it into a day where the shayateen are dancing & eating at your wedding.
This post will be essentially addressing the issues sisters commonly face, as for brothers usually their side is quite easy to handle; I mean they just eat, greet the groom, listen to a short khutbah, a quick du'a, nikkah pronounced and deal is done right? But the bride .. has to go through a whole bunch of steps before joining the compagny of her new husband..
Things to DO at your Walimah:
1) BE in CHARGE or appoint a trustworthy person to be in CHARGE
Many religious sisters genuiely want to have a simple, quiet and sunnatic wedding party but sadly her family is not really hearing it from her. The bride rarely has a (big) choice during the actual walimah to have a say in what's being played or what's being said. She should just sit there & smile as widely as possible and let the people in charge do the things.. but who exactly is in charge? Is it the aunty who brought that singer for the night? Or is it that cousin who's video-recording everything? ''/
Months or weeks prior to the Walimah, the sister should put things clear to the table with her closest family & tell them what SHE really wants. Someone has to be in charge during that evening, so make sure you choose someone you know can push back those ladies who might be complaining about the religiosity of the walimah. Someone who is on the same level as you with regards to the religion (who agrees with your ideas). Don't let other people (even though they're family) ruin your night by doing things you don't agree with. Be firm and place your trust in Allaah.
2) An Islamic Reminder/Lecture
Yes! This is so important & yet so neglected. It feels weird to go to a wedding where no mention of Allaah has been made, it's just wrong for people to gather at a place & leave without mentioning Allaah and sending salaam upon the Prophet 'aleihi salaam. In an authentic hadith, the Prophet 'aleihi salaam actually compared such people as people who have been sitting around a dead donkey. (check full narrations at the end of the post). So, definetely make some time for an islamic reminder(s).. give it a good half-an-hour or even an hour, why not? The only issue is that usually when the speaker starts with the khutbahtu-l hajja 'Inna-l hamdu lilaahi nahmaduhu wa...' the women start talking, looking, moving around & it gets very chattery. Make sure the person who will be delivering the lecture is someone who can make people sit back & shut their mouths for that time. Also, the person you will be appointing in charge will also have the responsability to maintain the calm and quietness during the reminder.
Today, I was listening to a program called 'Kursi-l Ulamah' and the speaker asked a question to the audience saying: 'Who knows where the Prophet 'aleihi salaam was when he told the sahaba regarding the lenghy hadith on the Intercession on Yawmu-l Qiyamah?' The audience gave different answers, I thought to myself: 'probably at a graveyard, after a burial' but I was wrong.
The Prophet 'aleihi salaam mentioned this to his companions during a ...... Walimah!
SubhanAllaah, even during a joyous event such as this, he would remind his dear companions about the real Life, the real test, the real Akhira that's about to come.
3) Give Sadaqa!
Surely, I think we all want to have successful marriages with lots of pious children, great spouses ect..
So why do we not consider giving (more) than we used to for this occassion? I know sometimes after all the expenses the families go through, between: the hall, the dresses, the food, the new house, this and that.. it seems like everyone forgot about giving some sadaqah out?! Check this hadith out, reported by Abu Huraira from the Prophet 'aleihi salaam who said: 'The worst food is that of a wedding banquet to which only the rich are invited while the poor are not invited.' (Bukhari)
If you happen to live in the West, we don't really see poor people so I suggest you send some amount of money back home or anywhere Muslims are struggling with food as sadaqah on the occassion of your wedding, so that by the Permission of Allaah you will not be amongst those who forget the poor.
4) No men strolling in
This is extremely annoying. There's always that one or two weirdoes that turn up to a female-only walimah gathering (what an irony!) especially if it's in a hall. One way of getting rid of them could be to have some people placed at the entrance kicking them out or an uncle who can take them elsewhere! Sometimes, the owners of the hall (men) want to remain inside to supervise the event -__- Other times, surprise surprise .. the waiters are male! It's very rare to have a 100% male free walimah unless you do it at a house because otherwise you really need to be very organised. You seriously don't want to take the risk that a man sees you uncovered before your own husband </3 especially when you were a hidden pearl all your life. The amount of time I have attended weddings where the bride is a religious sister yet on the night, there's a weirdo that comes in & she is on the platform for everyone to admire :s outch!
Once a sister was like: 'Please someone hide me!'
It's sad and heartbreaking. So, organisation is of crucial importance.
5) No music
Yes, this is obvious but I thought it needs to be reminded again & again. Marriage is a way to get closer to Allaah [swt], it's worship, it's sunnah, it's good.. so why corrupt it from the very first night with music? As I mentioned above, in many cases, music is played against the sister's will and she is almost induced into it :( but she must take responsabilies and plan ahead. Also, sisters if you're invited to a wedding and music is being played.. give your salams/duas to the bride and hit home asap. What if you die in that place? Plus, a believer will never bear to stand to stay in that place..
Now, yeah the whole debate with nasheed also comes in here right? Some sisters have found nasheeds as an alternative to keep a festive & jolly atmosphere that evening .. InshAllaah this topic in itself is very lenghty & deserves a post by itself. Plus, I am myself, questionning this practice at the moment so once I have taken a position 'ala baseera (with knowledge + evidences) I will share my views with you all.
6) No Pictures
Arghhh! This is the WORST part of the walimah, when everyone takes their smartphones with the latest flash integrated and 'flash flash flash' at the Bride & bridesmaids. (by the way, quick advice: never ever be a bridesmaid! Unless you want to be exposed to half the world) Once again, what can the poor bride do on the night do stop this? Not much :( This is one of the most important things to be discussing when planning the walimah. I suggest if you are going to be sending invitations (which I think is very cute) to include in BIG BOLD Letters that absolutly no flash photography will be tolerated (write in your mother tongue language too). I'm sure few will still be tempted to take pictures and here the people you will have appointed will be your saviours that night and stop them from doing so. There might be one or two stubborn aunties who will say: 'What do you mean? I've known this girl since she was born, she's like my daughter, I have to have her picture. Don't you think she looks superb? Move away' -__-
It can be intimidating but who cares! Your preservation is more important!!! Do not let other people walk over you or you will be bitterly regretting it otherwise.
7) Early walimah means you get to see your prince charming early
I don't understand why the women's gatherings are so late at night, almost when the last third of the night is there & Allaah [swt] descends at the lowest sky and asks: 'Who is there who is asking of Me that I may give him?..' you know that beautiful hadith right? What an irony isn't it?
I mean, women leaving their homes, late at night, wearing make-up, perfums, all sorts of beautiful things and going out to a hall... surely there is a better way than this? This is a bad habit we've developped and it needs to be rectified. If you don't usually leave your house late at night then why would you do it for your wedding? Easier said than done. But I believe it would take a few sisters to introduce earlier weddings for others to follow in this goodness. So, imagine the bride comes in at 10.30-11pm (after a long day) she's tired/nervous/hot/irritated, by the time it's over she's just even more nervous & exhausted and the poor dude has been waiting outside for so long, stressed out, panicking so much so that he's got no nails left!!!! (brothers, please do not bite off your nails, it's so ugly)
8) Wear appropriate clothing
Even though you're the bride, it doesn't mean you're not meant to dress modestly. Your 'awrah is still the same, it hasn't changed. And yes there's an 'awrah to keep even between muslima-2-muslima. Keep your dress beautiful, flowy, long and covering you modestly. Modest = beautiful. In terms of beautification, sisters the best beauty is the one of the heart (seriously) so do not approach those fake things, namely: fake nails, fake hair extensions, fake eyelashes, fake skin color (by using bleaching creams) because at the end of the day, all these will be coming OFF & the real YOU will be there when Mr. Y will see you; so be natural and do not put yourself under the curse of the Prophet 'aleihi salam.
Ibn Mas`ud (May Allah be pleased with him) said: Allah has cursed those women who practise tattooing and those women who have themselves tattooed, and those women who get their hair removed from their eyebrows and faces (except the beard and the mustache), and those who make artificial spaces between their teeth for beauty, whereby they change Allah's creation. [Bukhari & Muslim]
That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are many more way of turning your Walimah into a great evening, filled with unforgettable moments with your loved ones. May Allaah [swt] guide us to strive for what pleases Him.
Subhanaka Allaahmouma astaghfirullaah wa atoubu ilayk.
PS: Here are the ahadith about the importance of having an islamic lecture/reminder @ your walimah:
Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "No people sit in a gathering in which Allah Almighty is not mentioned and in which their Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, is not blessed without it being a cause of great diminishment for them. If He likes, He will punish them, and if He likes, He will forgive them." [at-Tirmidhi]
Abu Hurayra stated that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "No people rise from a gathering in which they do not mention Allah Almighty without it being like rising from the carcass of a donkey and they regret it." [Abu Dawud]
Assalam 'Aleykum,
Let's imagine Sister X finally found the right Brother Y, the two families are happy, the mahr has been reasonably fixed (keyword: 'reasonably'), the day carefully chosen, the people informed and invitations sent out .. in other words, all is ready & set for the B.I.G Day. ^.^
No doubt, the wedding day is most probably one of the most nerve-wracking experiences a woman or a man will ever go through, just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. But, as everything else in this religion of ours, this matter has also regulations & limits, there are ways to turn this day into the most beautiful day of your life or to turn it into a day where the shayateen are dancing & eating at your wedding.
This post will be essentially addressing the issues sisters commonly face, as for brothers usually their side is quite easy to handle; I mean they just eat, greet the groom, listen to a short khutbah, a quick du'a, nikkah pronounced and deal is done right? But the bride .. has to go through a whole bunch of steps before joining the compagny of her new husband..
Things to DO at your Walimah:
1) BE in CHARGE or appoint a trustworthy person to be in CHARGE
Many religious sisters genuiely want to have a simple, quiet and sunnatic wedding party but sadly her family is not really hearing it from her. The bride rarely has a (big) choice during the actual walimah to have a say in what's being played or what's being said. She should just sit there & smile as widely as possible and let the people in charge do the things.. but who exactly is in charge? Is it the aunty who brought that singer for the night? Or is it that cousin who's video-recording everything? ''/
Months or weeks prior to the Walimah, the sister should put things clear to the table with her closest family & tell them what SHE really wants. Someone has to be in charge during that evening, so make sure you choose someone you know can push back those ladies who might be complaining about the religiosity of the walimah. Someone who is on the same level as you with regards to the religion (who agrees with your ideas). Don't let other people (even though they're family) ruin your night by doing things you don't agree with. Be firm and place your trust in Allaah.
2) An Islamic Reminder/Lecture
Yes! This is so important & yet so neglected. It feels weird to go to a wedding where no mention of Allaah has been made, it's just wrong for people to gather at a place & leave without mentioning Allaah and sending salaam upon the Prophet 'aleihi salaam. In an authentic hadith, the Prophet 'aleihi salaam actually compared such people as people who have been sitting around a dead donkey. (check full narrations at the end of the post). So, definetely make some time for an islamic reminder(s).. give it a good half-an-hour or even an hour, why not? The only issue is that usually when the speaker starts with the khutbahtu-l hajja 'Inna-l hamdu lilaahi nahmaduhu wa...' the women start talking, looking, moving around & it gets very chattery. Make sure the person who will be delivering the lecture is someone who can make people sit back & shut their mouths for that time. Also, the person you will be appointing in charge will also have the responsability to maintain the calm and quietness during the reminder.
Today, I was listening to a program called 'Kursi-l Ulamah' and the speaker asked a question to the audience saying: 'Who knows where the Prophet 'aleihi salaam was when he told the sahaba regarding the lenghy hadith on the Intercession on Yawmu-l Qiyamah?' The audience gave different answers, I thought to myself: 'probably at a graveyard, after a burial' but I was wrong.
The Prophet 'aleihi salaam mentioned this to his companions during a ...... Walimah!
SubhanAllaah, even during a joyous event such as this, he would remind his dear companions about the real Life, the real test, the real Akhira that's about to come.
3) Give Sadaqa!
Surely, I think we all want to have successful marriages with lots of pious children, great spouses ect..
So why do we not consider giving (more) than we used to for this occassion? I know sometimes after all the expenses the families go through, between: the hall, the dresses, the food, the new house, this and that.. it seems like everyone forgot about giving some sadaqah out?! Check this hadith out, reported by Abu Huraira from the Prophet 'aleihi salaam who said: 'The worst food is that of a wedding banquet to which only the rich are invited while the poor are not invited.' (Bukhari)
If you happen to live in the West, we don't really see poor people so I suggest you send some amount of money back home or anywhere Muslims are struggling with food as sadaqah on the occassion of your wedding, so that by the Permission of Allaah you will not be amongst those who forget the poor.
4) No men strolling in
This is extremely annoying. There's always that one or two weirdoes that turn up to a female-only walimah gathering (what an irony!) especially if it's in a hall. One way of getting rid of them could be to have some people placed at the entrance kicking them out or an uncle who can take them elsewhere! Sometimes, the owners of the hall (men) want to remain inside to supervise the event -__- Other times, surprise surprise .. the waiters are male! It's very rare to have a 100% male free walimah unless you do it at a house because otherwise you really need to be very organised. You seriously don't want to take the risk that a man sees you uncovered before your own husband </3 especially when you were a hidden pearl all your life. The amount of time I have attended weddings where the bride is a religious sister yet on the night, there's a weirdo that comes in & she is on the platform for everyone to admire :s outch!
Once a sister was like: 'Please someone hide me!'
It's sad and heartbreaking. So, organisation is of crucial importance.
5) No music
Yes, this is obvious but I thought it needs to be reminded again & again. Marriage is a way to get closer to Allaah [swt], it's worship, it's sunnah, it's good.. so why corrupt it from the very first night with music? As I mentioned above, in many cases, music is played against the sister's will and she is almost induced into it :( but she must take responsabilies and plan ahead. Also, sisters if you're invited to a wedding and music is being played.. give your salams/duas to the bride and hit home asap. What if you die in that place? Plus, a believer will never bear to stand to stay in that place..
Now, yeah the whole debate with nasheed also comes in here right? Some sisters have found nasheeds as an alternative to keep a festive & jolly atmosphere that evening .. InshAllaah this topic in itself is very lenghty & deserves a post by itself. Plus, I am myself, questionning this practice at the moment so once I have taken a position 'ala baseera (with knowledge + evidences) I will share my views with you all.
6) No Pictures
Arghhh! This is the WORST part of the walimah, when everyone takes their smartphones with the latest flash integrated and 'flash flash flash' at the Bride & bridesmaids. (by the way, quick advice: never ever be a bridesmaid! Unless you want to be exposed to half the world) Once again, what can the poor bride do on the night do stop this? Not much :( This is one of the most important things to be discussing when planning the walimah. I suggest if you are going to be sending invitations (which I think is very cute) to include in BIG BOLD Letters that absolutly no flash photography will be tolerated (write in your mother tongue language too). I'm sure few will still be tempted to take pictures and here the people you will have appointed will be your saviours that night and stop them from doing so. There might be one or two stubborn aunties who will say: 'What do you mean? I've known this girl since she was born, she's like my daughter, I have to have her picture. Don't you think she looks superb? Move away' -__-
It can be intimidating but who cares! Your preservation is more important!!! Do not let other people walk over you or you will be bitterly regretting it otherwise.
7) Early walimah means you get to see your prince charming early
I don't understand why the women's gatherings are so late at night, almost when the last third of the night is there & Allaah [swt] descends at the lowest sky and asks: 'Who is there who is asking of Me that I may give him?..' you know that beautiful hadith right? What an irony isn't it?
I mean, women leaving their homes, late at night, wearing make-up, perfums, all sorts of beautiful things and going out to a hall... surely there is a better way than this? This is a bad habit we've developped and it needs to be rectified. If you don't usually leave your house late at night then why would you do it for your wedding? Easier said than done. But I believe it would take a few sisters to introduce earlier weddings for others to follow in this goodness. So, imagine the bride comes in at 10.30-11pm (after a long day) she's tired/nervous/hot/irritated, by the time it's over she's just even more nervous & exhausted and the poor dude has been waiting outside for so long, stressed out, panicking so much so that he's got no nails left!!!! (brothers, please do not bite off your nails, it's so ugly)
8) Wear appropriate clothing
Even though you're the bride, it doesn't mean you're not meant to dress modestly. Your 'awrah is still the same, it hasn't changed. And yes there's an 'awrah to keep even between muslima-2-muslima. Keep your dress beautiful, flowy, long and covering you modestly. Modest = beautiful. In terms of beautification, sisters the best beauty is the one of the heart (seriously) so do not approach those fake things, namely: fake nails, fake hair extensions, fake eyelashes, fake skin color (by using bleaching creams) because at the end of the day, all these will be coming OFF & the real YOU will be there when Mr. Y will see you; so be natural and do not put yourself under the curse of the Prophet 'aleihi salam.
Ibn Mas`ud (May Allah be pleased with him) said: Allah has cursed those women who practise tattooing and those women who have themselves tattooed, and those women who get their hair removed from their eyebrows and faces (except the beard and the mustache), and those who make artificial spaces between their teeth for beauty, whereby they change Allah's creation. [Bukhari & Muslim]
That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are many more way of turning your Walimah into a great evening, filled with unforgettable moments with your loved ones. May Allaah [swt] guide us to strive for what pleases Him.
Subhanaka Allaahmouma astaghfirullaah wa atoubu ilayk.
PS: Here are the ahadith about the importance of having an islamic lecture/reminder @ your walimah:
Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "No people sit in a gathering in which Allah Almighty is not mentioned and in which their Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, is not blessed without it being a cause of great diminishment for them. If He likes, He will punish them, and if He likes, He will forgive them." [at-Tirmidhi]
Abu Hurayra stated that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "No people rise from a gathering in which they do not mention Allah Almighty without it being like rising from the carcass of a donkey and they regret it." [Abu Dawud]
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