Polygamy: Advice for brothers (again)

Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

You're most probably thinking 'oh no, not another polygamy rant by a sister!' You needn't worry in sha Allah. I've come but as an adviser to my unmarried (polygamy loving) brothers. Unraise your eyebrow please.

Marriage as well as Jinns are Muslims favourite topics. We can talk about them for hours (hence why I am typing this right now and your eyes fixated on your screen) Single sisters like to talk about marriage, and for some strange reason, it just never gets boring. Inevitably, polygamy pops up during the discussion. There are no heated debates or heart attacks when polygamy is mentioned. Why should there be? However, the heat begins to rise when a sister is asked whether she would be let her husband marry another woman. We talk about marriage and polygamy, which probably means brothers talk about it all the time (I'm kidding. I am sure it's not all the time. Most of the time) It appears as if quite a few brothers do not seem to mind marrying one, two, three or four. Isn't this the dream of the ultimate macho man?

So,  we've established that you wan't a 2nd wife, now or after you get the 1st one. You wish to have a young pious sister who hasn't ever been "touched". A younger version of your 1st wife, most probably.

Rightio! I am going to have to tell you to take pause for a second. Listen to me brother.

In one of my previous posts I mentioned the disabled unmarried sister that I met in the masjid. Sadly, divorce rates amongst Muslims seem to be soaring, so there are divorcees with children too. And not forgetting widows. Dear brother, do you understand how difficult it is for these women to re-marry? If you are truly looking to marry for the sake of Allah, why not consider marrying a woman who is in this position? I thought you were a hard macho man?
Wallahil atheem This is a problem that I see from afar. Brothers are running to re-marry shy virgin girls while there are so many other girls who would happily accept marrying as a 2nd wife. Leave the shy single sisters for the shy unmarried brothers. Also, if you are considering a 2nd wife and your bestfriend is single, for crying out loud, help him out. Wish for your brother what you wish for yourself.

This is a bit of a rant yes but I hope you take at least some consideration to what I have mentioned.

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Umm Mus'ab

Like father like daughter: Advice for brothers when marrying

Bismillahi rahmani raheem

For a lot of women, their fathers are the most important men in their lives. In fact, before you decide to turn up, her father is (most probably) the only man in her life. No pressure there.

Do not be naïve and assume that I am naïve about the sleepiness nights that brothers get before meeting the father of their potential wife. I feel for you. Believe me though; I am not here to scare you out of marrying. I just sense that men nowadays do not value the relationship between a woman and her father, and if it happens to be that this relationship is very strong, you’ll have to listen up.

What to do:

• Be genuine.

Don’t fake it. Don’t be “over friendly” or laugh too much at his jokes. Her daddy might like it but 99.9% of the time, she’ll see right through your rubbish acting. You’re going to look desperate. Even worse, you’ll appear as if you’re treating the “getting to know the father” stage, as an exam that you need to pass quickly. Marriage is for life and you’re marrying into her family too. I am not suggestion you need to learn his biography and tell me what time he was born but just get to know him, a little. If he tells an ancient joke, simply smile, don’t roar with laugher.  

• Get to know him

Like I said before, the sister won’t set you a timed exam on his life, however listen to what he says and remember, (at least) his middle name.

• Listen to him

Worst case scenario: You’re chatting, chatting, chatting away for England while dad sits there listening to all you have to say. It will make your potential wife sick. Literally. She’ll wonder why you are so self indulged. Nothing more pleasant that a good listener, especially when listening to her daddy. (Note: do not become mute either)

• Never call him “old man”

“Yeah, your “old man” is funny” you tell her casually. She’ll stab you in the back. Don’t call her father “old man”. Never ever.

• Don’t try to be her father

You’ll get rejected if you do this. She wants a husband not a 2^nd father. And she will proclaim that you cannot and will not ever be her father anyway. So that’s two-nil. It may not be incest to marry somebody who tries to be your parent but for obvious reasons, stay away from it.

Hmm, this is all I have on my mind right now. My father means so much to me and no man will ever replace him (sorry!) Sisters dislike brothers (as religious as they may be) who think that they have the whole package (nothing wrong with confidence) but forget that pleasing her father means pleasing her.

I cannot speak for every sister out there, not everybody have a close nit relationship with their father but this is advice for brothers who may encounter women whose fathers have raised them and are about to let them go.

Umm Mus’ab & UmmZaid who totally agrees <3

If you have ever wished for a brother with a long beard and the whitest qamis

All praise is due to Allah, the Creator of everything which exits. 
Bismillaah.

What is wrong with me? I have not begun most of my posts in the name of Allah or even with Bismillah. Ya Umm Mus'ab, what iz wrong wizz youue ukhti, bleaas tell me? 

This is for the sisters who have ever wished for a brother with a beautiful beard and a very white qamis. The brother who lowers his gaze in the street and looks only upon his wife with a smile. The brother is seen rushing to the masjid for salah. The brother who proudly wears his clothes in accordance with the Sunnah and aspires to resemble our beloved Nabee sallalahu alaihi wa sallam.

"Hold up. Ukhti, where's your hijab?"
"Stop being silly man"
"I'm not"
"On my head, you plonker"
"You're not ready for abaya or jilbab yet, I'm guessing"
"Nope, not ready yet. Sister please make dua for me though. I saw such a masha Allah brother today, in qamis and with a beard. He was lowering his gaze as well. I want a husband like that!"
"In sha Allah I will. I will also make dua that you begin to cover up"
"Whaaaat?"

Maybe you think that this post is heading towards: clothing automatically make you pious, like shahada automatically make a murjiee a  mu'min (supposedly)
That is not what I am trying to say. Although, we can all agree that covering correctly is wajib upon every believing man and woman. What buggles my mind so much is, why do sisters with camel hump, skin tight abaya, or jegging wearing hijabis think that one day a brother resembling a scholar will knock on their door for marriage? Allah knows best. Sister, you can flower yourself up as much as you like. Draw on your eyebrows, your lips, colour yourself in with make up. In fact! Reinvent yourself. Make up is powerful.
(For my less advanced readers, I am fluent in sarcasm.) But I guarantee you that Shaikh Sudais will not come knocking for you. Neither will his son.
This goes for brothers too. I know of sisters who observe the correct hijab who have been approached by brothers who desired to "get to know them" for marriage (i.e talk on the phone and what not). As you are guessing, these brothers were not observing their own "Hijab" - shaven, long trousers etc. Al hamdulilah brothers desire women who are covered for the sake of Allah but should you not take a glance at yourself before even eyeing up covered sisters.

The real question is, would you marry you?

BEFORE I GET HATE MAIL: No, I am not impying that sisters who wear jilbab or brothers who do not shave are much more pious. I do not encourage sisters to observe the niqab because this may bring brothers to come and ask for your hand, no no no, Allah will not be pleased with that. Remember to be sincere and do whatever act of worship you do, to be for Allah alone. The reward is great in sha Allah.

O Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover yourselves (screen your private parts, etc.) and as an adornment, and the raiment of righteousness, that is better. Such are among the Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) of Allah, that they may remember (i.e. leave falsehood and follow truth). (7:26) 

Would you marry her?

Taking off our damp socks, we took refuge in the warmth of the masjid. The slices of gâteau we had bought were now squashed in our bags, nonetheless our growling stomachs were anticipating the taste. After performing two rakats, we rolled up our sleeves, preparing ourselves to assault the gâteau, what was left of it. A middle aged woman was sitting opposite us, we offered her some cake. Little did I know that I was going to remember this meeting for a very long time.

The first thing that struck me about her were her big brown eyes. I had to stop myself from staring at her. She had a soft tone to her voice and her speech was eloquent masha Allaah.  Although from time to time during our conversation, self consciously she'd ask  what I thought of her "poor" English. Her native language was Arabic, she was fluent in French too and English of course. From her bag she pulled out a lunch box. She was keen to share her rice with us but we kindly declined. She insisted. So we ate. We spoke with her, laughed and learnt. 

This sister, I thought, was most probably a wonderful mother and a loving wife. Fluent in Arabic and memorized a good amount of the Qu'ran, not to mention that her rice tasted brilliant.The sister was warm, had a very motherly feeling about her. She smiled a lot, read to us too. By Allah my friend and I had taken a great liking to her. I asked about her children, she told me she had none. Embarrassed, I asked about her husband instead, she told me didn't have one. 

I found out that the sister was disabled. If anything, her disability was not obvious at all until she stood up for salah. She had a problem with her right leg. Of course, I did not feel comfortable throwing all these questions about her. Shrugging her shoulders, she'd utter even righteous men didn't want a woman who had a "wonky leg". Inevitably we encouraged her to look harder, for real pious men, men with knowledge, men who would marry for the sake of Allah. She just shrugged and said she had looked hard enough. She had looked everywhere, she told us. 
It was still raining outside when we had to leave for home. 

Where are our men?

Umm Mus'ab