How to say NO! to a brother

Bismillaah.

Sister, if you feel as if you do not wish to marry him, or get to know him at all - then you need to learn how to say NO! 


Now, without even knowing it I am currently raising my eyebrow. I myself am not as assertive as my fellow sisters who will kindly tell a brother to get lost. Before I get refuted, I'd like to emphasize that I am not encouraging sisters to say no to every single Tom, Dick and Ahmed who approaches them for marriage. No, not at all. I am teaching my lovely sisters (and myself) that actually this is how you tell a brother. 'NO! No akhi, may Allah bless you, I have prayed istikhara, done my research and received advice therefore I am not looking to be your wife. Thank you'. Maybe the capital NO with the ! on the end comes across as a little aggressive. Don't be aggressive sister, don't shout scream or tip toe.

1) Be assertive yet calm and collective. Please do not get over emotional when you reject a marriage proposal. Everyone (your family, his family, and him) will think something triggered it, like a horrible childhood experience or something.  Be calm yet assertive, you do not wan't to marry him so do not let any one try and manipulate or persuade you into it if you have made your final decision.

2) Explain why you are not interested. Pretty straight forward.

3) Don't lie. Please. Don't tell him the fabricated story about how you had made plans to marry a cousin living in Pakistan way before you had even met him and that once married, you and your cousin are planning to head to Thailand to become hotel labourers and live happily ever after. Besides it's haram to lie, so don't go there.

4) Show consideration. Don't just be rude or vague about it. Mention his good points and make duaa for him in private. Saying no - inevitably- deflates his ego. Last thing you want to do is deflate his whole self worth and self confidence. Believe me, some men are emotional like that.

5) Bring Islamic evidence. Make it clear that although you have refused him for marriage, you know that you are allowed to reject him i.e your decision is supported by evidences from Qur'aan and Sunnah, as it is permissible for a woman/man to reject someone for a number of reasons.

However I want to stress that denying a brother for ridiculous, superficial, tribalistic, nationalistic reasons is very dangerous and for you to deny a brother there must a really good reason behind for it.

So if the reason behind your choice is..er..reasonable, just say NO! (refer to above post for guidelines on how to say it)

Is Marriage Becoming A Fashion?

Assalam 'Aleikum people,

All praises are due to Allaah [swt] and may Allaah [swt] send His peace and salutations upon the Best of men, al-basheeru nadheer,

InshAllaah this is going to be a very informal post, I'm just going to share couple of thoughts that came to me this week-

1) Okay, this week I began a new 'course' by the permission of Allaah [swt] and I met new sisters from all over London and obviously I got to speak to few of them, all very lovely girls mashAllaah. Like all conversations, we asked each other's names, ages, professions and other related questions. I was responding to the questions with sympathy and there's one thing that became almost reccurent in all the conversations I've had with different sisters. The common interrogation that constantly came up to me was:

- 'Oh, so you graduated mashAllaah, you getting married?
Me: -'No, no *'  *weird face
-'Oh, but you engaged?'
Me: -'No, no*' *anxious face
-'Oh okay'

***
Can you imagine the awkwardness of this conversation? Well, obviously I was trying to cover up this awkwardness with giggling away.. noise had to be made, somehow-anyhow.

This is the first thing I wanted to talk about, there's this thing that is so commonly widespread within sisters in the UK and I believe it's a recently developed trend which consists in sisters thinking they 'must' go university, graduate, marry, have kids .. in that order. So, for my case, it's like almost everyone I know is currently awaiting some sort of 'call' announcing my big day or something. One of the sisters I had spoken to actually said to me: 'But, don't you want to get married?' now that did make me laugh!

Sisters, do not enchain yourself to marriage! That's so destructive! Some girls think that if they hit the digit 2.0 then they're on the firing line. No, by no means! Marriage, nowadays has become like peer pressure ..almost! It's fashionable, everyone is getting married and if you're not in the trend then you're left out and old.

Please, remember that marriage is not a joke. My teacher actually reminded us of a brilliant point which tends to get at the back of our heads for the most part. He said: 'Know that when you're getting married, you're not just getting married in the dunya but your husband will also -inshAllaah- be your husband and partner in Jannah.' SubhanAllaah- how many of us actually think about this when 'considering' someone?

We ask Allaah [swt] to guide us to the clear path.


2) As I mentionned above, it's fashion to get married and quite sadly, the side effect is that many many young people get into this without knowledge. Have we forgotten the title of the first chapter in Sahih Bukhari? In Sahih Muslim? Mentionned by Nawawi? They all said: 'Al 'ilm qabla al 'amal wa-l qawl' which translates into 'Knowledge before action and speech'. This is so crucial! Why don't people who are aiming to get married -in the near or far future- learn about this tremendous act of worship? It hurts me when I ask a bride-to-be: 'Hey sis, so have you read on the topic of zawaj?' and she responds: 'Erm, not really' or 'I have just read a few ahadiths' or something along those lines. :-(

Why do we have in almost every book of hadith a WHOLE chapter dedicated to the fiqh of Marriage and so many narrations on this topic if it weren't that important? Please, my advise for everyone out there: before you get married, make sure you read or study all the ahadiths on this topic and yes- about the rules of talaq too. Most sisters know very little about divorce yet who knows the ghayb? You may -may Allaah forbid- be confronted with this, so know your rights.

I have other rants to let out of my system but I shall keep them for later inshAllaah. :-)

May Allaah [swt] forgive me and you from our sins and give us sincerity in all our words and deeds.
Subhanaka Allaahuma, astaghfirullaah wa atubu ilayk.


UmmZ.

'Many sisters opinions of polygyny would change if their husbands were going about it the right way'

Assalaamu alaikum, InshaAllah you are all in the best of health and imaan.....I am Umm Mujahid the new addition to Roadtrip to Zawajland.

For my first blog post I wanted to write about the highly debated topic of "Polygamy"..

The actual word is Polygyny - which means for a man to have multiple wives which as we know is permissible for our brothers. 

But the issue is many of the brothers who are embarking on the road of Polygyny are doing so without even knowing the rights and responsibilities of all involved, this is why the rate of divorce is so high amongst us as Muslims because we aren't taking the steps necessary to gain knowledge before seeking a spouse.

Many of the brothers are unemployed and lacking in knowledge. They claim to want to be in a polygamous marriage because it is closer to the Sunnah but that is a LIE... I'm not saying all brothers are the same but a large majority are and thats simply a fact!!!

I think many sisters opinions of polygyny would change if their husbands were going about it the right way.......for example the basic rights of a wife is for a husband to provide her with food, clothing and place to live but instead these brothers want the goverment to pay the rent and provide for their wives.

The line i'm hearing the most is " I will find a sister who is established to be my 2nd/3rd/4th wife " which basically means she has to be working or on benefits and have her own house so he doesn't have to provide anything!

It has been clearly stated in the Qu'ran :

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means..." [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]

"...but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them [women]..." [al-Baqarah 2:228]

I don't want to go on for too long but i felt this issue had to be addressed, I wrote this blog based on experiences that many of my sisters have had to deal with.

As women we have to remember we do not own our husbands and if he wants to take a co wife we cant stop him but if he is in no position to provide or be just to more than one wife we should advise them because he will have to answer to Allah for any injustice.

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Whoever has two wives and favours one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning." Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1141), Abu Dawood (2133), al-Nasaa'i (3942) and Ibn Majaah (1969). Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa'l-Tarheeb (no. 1949)

Al-Teebi said in his commentary on the words "with one of his sides leaning", i.e., tilting. And it was said that this will be in such a way that all the people on the Day of Resurrection will see him, so this will increase his punishment.

As for the brothers reading my blog i hope it is an eyeopener for you to see how sisters feel about this topic and the reasons behind us not wanting our husband taking on a co - wife.

Words from the scholars: 'Marriage is not lust and the woman is not just pleasure and enjoyment'

The noble Sheikh, the Mufti of the committee of major scholars in Saudi Arabia, Sheikh Abdul Aziz ibn Abdullah Aali Shiekh declared that marriage is not just about lust and fulfilling the desires rather it is security and living together and stability.

And the noble Sheikh said: Some of the Muslims have an incorrect understanding about marriage, understanding it in a way other than its reality. Some of them have an understanding that marriage is simply about fulfilling their desires, so although they might implement the legislated marriage contract, their intention with this marriage is not stability nor commitment rather he marries and in himself he is planning to divorce her, meaning he knows in himself that he will marry her for a specific time period even if he does not mention this or disclose this.

So he marries her due to his desire for her not to have serenity and peace of mind with her, but he only counts her as just a simple pleasure; so he s always on the verge of divorcing her and bringing in someone other than her. So he is a husband and at the same time he mixes this with the intention of divorce. And he does not want from the woman anything other than pleasure.

This is deception to the woman and dishonesty and misleading her; and if a man came to his daughter or his sister and he knew that he did not want her except for this purpose he would not allow him to marry her, but when it comes to other people s daughters he does whatever he wants.

And all of this is from deception and dishonesty and fraud and betrayal. And for this reason Islam has prohibited temporary marriage; and this is to marry for an estimated number of days for an agreed upon specific duration. Therefore this was made impermissible due to the harms that it contains.

And the Sheikh said: So what the person does not like for his daughters then he should not like it for the daughters of the Muslims.

And the Sheikh said: And some of the people might travel to places in order to find marriage for a specific number of days or months and he thinks this is a marriage contract and all of this is trivial to him, so he falls into sin.

And there are some who marry a number of women before (the other women he divorced) finish their waiting period. So he will merge the marriage to more than ten women in one month without any concern for the Islamic legislated contract.

And the Mufti said: The Muslim must have good judgment and he should not let his goal be to fulfill his desire in a way that is not in accordance with the Islamic legislation. And he must adorn himself with the manners of Islam, and he must look at other people s daughters just like he looks at his own daughters and his own sisters, and he should put people in the position that he likes to be in.

Therefore if the person believes it allowable to do evil to the daughters of others and to not comply with the Islamic standard and then he does not want this same evil for his daughters; then why this discrepancy? Where is the balance, where is the justice?

Unfortunately, there are some Muslims who make permissible that which Allah has made impermissible so in a matter of days they marry a number of women, all with the intention of divorce, seeking by this to gain some benefit (from the wife) in the summer or the winter or other than this, and Islam prohibits this. Therefore Islam wants for us to be well-balanced in our contracts and to put others in the position of our daughters and our sisters and to be truthful in our dealings.

And the Sheikh said: & and some of them go and travel and get married against the normal system and then they fall into sin or serious situations and perhaps they might abandon their wives or leave them and not return to them after they have become pregnant or given birth to his child, so this exposes the Muslim descendants to danger. And some of them don t care about their wives or their children so major problems occur as a result of this treacherous marriage.

http://www.sahab.net/forums/showthread.php?t=354427

I don't wan't to eat your disgusting food! Talaq!

I don't wan't to eat your disgusting food! Divorce me!


You have no ilm, you are so jahil. Please just divorce me!


You've gained weight Halima. Hit the gym or expect me to say the T word. 


If you don't come back from work at 5:59pm on the dot, I will divorce you. 


Eww, you're getting a reseeding hairline. Purchase some hair growth cream or I'm leaving you. 


Bismillaah,

Asalamu alaykum.

In recent decades the Ummah of Muhammad (saw) has seen a rapid increase in divorce. At (most times, I hope) for serious reasons but at other times it can be as silly as the incidents mentioned above. First of all, although I've never been married, I understand that not every marriage is written to work out. I also acknowledge that a couple may have differences which may lead them to separate. Alhamdulilah, Al Aziz knows His creation and He has not made divorce unlawful for us. However Allah ta'ala does not like divorce as stated in the Holy Qur'an: "The most hateful halal (permissible thing) to Allah is divorce" (Surah 2:102)


None of us plan to get divorced but some of us do. And only Allah knows if you or I will end up a divorcee. Our most powerful weapon is duaa. Thefore ask Allah to bless you with a spouse with taqwa and trust in Allah, and ask Allah for the same for you. Too many times we expect the spouse to be the one that should be better or more upright, which is incorrect. You need to look at yourself before looking to a potential spouse. Why should somebody marry you if you are not trying your best to obey Allah and be a good person?

This is advice for myself before anybody else. Just because you may be ready for marriage financially or physically, it does not mean that you will end up in a successful marriage. Be content with what Allah has given you and do not enter a marriage hoping that all your problems, insecurities and worries will disappear. Yes, getting a spouse will have a great benefit and blessing for you and Allah will reward you for following the Sunnaah of Rasoolullaah (saw) and of course Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear. But we are humans and we have flaws and we make mistakes which may led us to get divorced. We are not created like the Angels who listen and obey to constantly. So please do not imagine marriage to be look like the castle from Disneyworld. There will be ups and downs, disappointments as well as surprises, joys and moments which you will never forget. May Allah make us better people who fear Him and obey Him and may He attribute to us the characteristics of those who will enter Jannah. Ameen.

Will you marry me? And my mother, father, sister, uncle and aunt?

Bismillahi rahmani raheem,

Imagine if somebody asked you that, "Asalamu alaikum, would you be interested in marrying my entire family? I mean they're good people and all, who wouldn't wan't to marry them? So yeah, let me know if you're interested!" - I am pretty sure the majority of us would be left horrified after such an encounter. Perhaps some of us would even be flicking through Bukhari or Muslim trying to find a hadeeth which you could use to refute the marriage proposal. Or maybe, you'd say yes to marrying this persons entire family (because you're clever!)

Many of us become fixated on marrying just an individual. Yes, fine, you are going to have one spouse. It's going to be you and them living together, planning out your lives together and starting a family together insha Allah. There are only two people in a marriage (in most cases), right?

Well no. There isn't. When you're looking to marry somebody, you have to remember that this person did not land on Earth from Planet Beautiful. This person is a daughter or a son, a niece or a nephew, a granddaughter or a grandson. They belong to a family, and when you marry them, you marry the family. Now, don't plan on purchasing a massive bed for the extended family to sleep with you in - that would be disturbing and unislamic. But what I'm trying to get at here is, a lot of people before they get married, particularly the men, they tend to forget that the sister would like you to interact with her family. Go out with her father, do some food shopping with her mother, play on the play-station with her brother, paint her little sisters nails (OK, going too far) You get where I'm going though, right? Don't expect your wife-to-be to constantly entertain your parents, if you're not doing the same for her. I'm not encouraging rebellion in any way, what I'm saying is her family becomes your family and his family becomes yours. All one, no favoritism, no discrimination.

I am not suggesting that everybody should live with their in-laws and visit them 24/7. I know my parents want me out of the house as soon as I get married, so visiting them every single day would probably annoy them. However, I'm advising us Muslims to uphold the ties of kinship. Don't break away from your parents just because you get married. Come on, your mama been there for you since day!

5 Signs He's Just Not That Into Marrying You

Bismillaahi Rahmani Raheem,

We know we went missing for a while and for all those who were worried about us, we are alive and well alhamdulilah. We know it's Valentines today and that is not why we're posting, it was just a coincidence really.

Anyyywaaaay, so there's a brother who says he would like to get married to you. You're getting mixed messages from him even though he claims to be serious about it. Well here are a few things you should watch out for:

1) He has no plans to visit your father/wali, just yet 

If the brother has approached you & you sent him back, asking for him to contact your wali and his response has been quasi non-existant then, he's probably not that into you to have the guts and man-up to meet your father. The most common excuse is that: 'he needs time to get his head round visiting your wali.' Okay we understand visiting your father will probably be the most nerve wracking experience of his life (fathers can be scary), yes, but to avoid meeting your wali is in NO WAY acceptable.
How does he expect you to get married? After months or even years in a haram relationship?
Tell this brother to get outta here. He's not serious and definitely not ready for marriage.

2) He's not working nor planning to get any sort of income to support his wife-to-be

If the brother doesn't work nor is his father some rich millionaire nor is he willing to find a job, then I'm afraid it's not looking good at all! It's one thing struggling to find a job but quite another *if* he's not planning to start working. It suggests that he is not concerned about providing for his wife to be.
Allaah (swt) clearly says 'Men are the maintainers of women' in Surah Baqarah. So, if he isn't fulfilling this role, let him not put himself in the shoes of a man. A guy who 'really' cares will try his best, at any cost.

Note: seriously brothers, if you're not fit to marry then do not start something upon nothing. It's her right to be provided for.

3) He's coming empty handed at every meeting

If he does come over to your house for more than 5 times and he hasn't bothered bringing a little gift (to show that he cares) for either you, your mother or your siblings, something's not quite right there. Whatever happened to the old school habits of bringing a girl flowers or chocolates? Women like that old school stuff. In actual fact, guess what?! This brother expects you to give him a gift for the time he spent with you: 'So, sister, where's my attar?' There's something really odd there.. A man who truly cares about a potential wife-to-be, will do everything & anything he can to show that he really cares. Even if that includes putting the hand in that small pocket of his.

Attention: we are not at all promoting gold digging or materialism. Not at all.

4) He's got lost on the way

If the brother comes in, lowering his gaze, sits, looks at you and then whispers some words which sound like :A'thubilaah, astarfirullah' and then doesn't lift his head up. Or, if he is looking at the wall behind you or admiring the carpet instead of listening to you then I think the brother maybe hasn't got the right house.
Or, if he likes you but you're thinking: 'eerr, why have you got a blue sock and a grey one? No, no wait, why are there 5 holes in each sock?'
Or perhaps you're trying to figure out what color his khamees is: is it white? or some greyish/browinsh.. what the heck?' Right, I suggest both go their different ways, first impressions are always important!

5) He's always boasting about how many sisters want to marry him

If the brother starts the conversation by telling you how sisters always try to marry him (note: sisters run after this brother; miskeen), and he tells you how just on his way to your house, two sisters asked his number and he was like: 'Sorry sis, but I'm meeting another sister right now but if you want to book an appointment for 5 o'clock I can do that. Ask your wali innit.' This brother has a very busy schedule, maybe a bit too busy for you . Furthermore, it's a *major* mistake to mention any other female name in the first meetings, gentlemen: please write that down if you want a second meeting.

BONUS:- If in addition to ALL this, he mentions his urgent desire to marry another wife right after you (bearing in mind all of these situations), then Ladies I have one word of advice: this is the 'good talker' type of man. Once you detect the symptoms, you should run away far from him. We mean it, run fast. Even if it means pulling up your abaya and taking off your shoes to run fast.