Am I too picky?

Assalam 'aleykum dear readers,

Here I am once again writing from a busy and loud computer room hoping no one catches me while writing this article; don't particularly like people especially my classmates knowing about this blog, no thanks.

What actually triggered this post is an email I received today from a sister all the way from Canada (shout out if you're reading this!) who was sharing practically the very same thoughts I had in mind for the past few weeks!

As I was reading her email, I kept saying (in my head of course): 'yeah, me too!' to almost every point she was making.

The question was: Am I being too picky?

Is it being too picky to desire to marry a devout Muslim man?
Is it being too picky to wish to marry someone who shares common interests?
Is it being too picky to wish to marry someone from a specific culture?
Is it being too picky wishing to marry someone with financial stability?

I could carry on ALL DAY LONG.. but you get the gist..

Believe it or not, some people out there would almost make us believe that we are in the wrong for wanting to know what we desire in a potential spouse!

 That's crazy.

There is no one worse than those guys and girls who don't know what they want in a spouse, those folks usually waste people's time and emotions for nothing.

Now Let's get up close & personal..

Few years ago, this whole topic of marriage would only get one type of reaction from me:

-red marks on my cheeks
-few giggles,
-intertwinted fingers,
-twisting feet
& just create pure awkwardness even when this was innocently being discussed amongst fellow singleton sisters.
I usually kept quiet but I can't deny those were entertaining and hilarious moments to say the least but reflecting back now, I also think this topic turned me speechless because -back then- I had a very blurry idea of who I wanted to marry.

I was quite shallow, all I wanted was: 'a brother between 19-25 who regurlarly prays in the masjid'

But some of the more outspoken sisters were even more precise: 'he must have large shoulders, dark skin, big hands and a beard. OMG the beard must be nice' ..

I mean try to beat that for shallowness -_-  ' *sigh*


However as the years passed, my blurry image has become so sharp [alhamdulilah for that] and this only happened through the various encounters I have had with 'potentials'.
Today, I could confidently list you: what I am looking for, in what order, why I want that ect.. and I think this is a process that takes time.

It takes maturity to separate from your list what is a must-have like:
-good aqeedah,
-good akhlaq & deen
-good family
-clean past..... whatever

From what is not-so-important like:
-large shoulders
-big hands
-nice beard
-small feet or what have you..

Sadly, some people have not yet reached that maturity level to be able to have a conscice and clear list.

For those of us who may be completely clueless as to what to include in 'our list' then no worries!

Our role model, ar-Rassul 'aleyhi salaam was told us in very famous narrations (everyone knows those ahadith) that for the man then he marries a woman for one of 4 reasons: her beauty, her wealth, her lineage and for her deen. Marry the one with deen, may your hand be blessed
& for the woman, he 'aleyhi salaam has told us that, if a man whom you are pleased with his deen and akhlaq then marry him. [rough translations]

Therefore, these criteria MUST and I repeat MUST be on the top priority.
Do NOT compromise on this ever!
And do NOT be led to believe you're being 'too picky' because these criteria are your top conditions...

Finally, do not worry if you're struggling to find a person who matches your desires a 100%. It's likely that such a person isn't actually out there (sorry if I'm breaking your heart </3), you may well need to compromise on a few minor things and as long as that doesn't throw you off then it's all good.

I may be wrong but I believe that this issue mainly concerns the sisters because from what I have seen, brothers tend not to be too picky.. any lady will do as long as she looks like one right?
They're also very shallow on this but hey.. that's another topic all together :/

At the end of the day, Allaah knows best who is best suited for each one of us and we shouldn't close doors on ourselves so if you happen to have a super long list of criteria, something tells me you should most likely reconsider it.. and guys, don't forget the du'as..especially the du'a in the last third of the night.

The pious of another generation used to say that a supplication made in the last 1/3 of the night is like an arrow that doesn't miss its shot.

Subhanaka Allaahuma wa bihamdik, astaghfiruka wa atuubu ilayk.

Hold up brother!

Assalam 'Aleykum !

DISCLAIMER:

This post may be offensive to my brothers in Islam so it is with extra care and no sarcasm that I will be writing today's article inshAllaah. I will , in this post, reflect some of the concerns most sisters have regarding our brothers in faith. However, these are not a one-size-fits-all and I am not trying to stereotype or point fingers (I promise) but I'm here to address issues  that I feel perhaps brothers are not conscious of and could possibly benefit from.

How's your Deen akhi?

It is known to everyone that MOST young people have returned to the Deen in the last 3 to 5 years and Allaah is praised for this, Alhamdulilaah! This recent phenomena has meant that we see more and more beards around, more swag like thobes and 'imamaahs but when it comes to asking the questions:

'So, when was the last time you prayed Qiyaam? Or, how frequently do you fast? What kutub or matn have you memorised?'

I mean apart from stutters, I haven't heard much.

You may think.. woaaaah, memorise kutub? This sista is havin' a laugh! Who does she think she is? 

Ok, give me a minute. 

What brothers need to understand is that sisters (at least serious & practising ones) require brothers to have -at the very least- a strong base in Deen. A strong base in knowledge and a strong base in practice. Now, of course, the level required will differ from sister to sister.

A sister may be happy to marry a brother who can just teach her how to read Arabic and another may desire a brother who can teach her Nahw (Arabic Grammar). For a lot of us, the main reason why we turn down proposals is because we are presented with fresh-in-the-deen brothers who perhaps struggle with reading Fatiha with tajweed and who perhaps don't even know halaal from haram ect..

Where's the seeking of knowledge akhi?

The majority of young brothers in the West think, out of good intentions, that they seek knowledge and when a prospective sister asks this question, they jump in to say:

'Yes alhamdulilah I seek knowledge'.

But, it doesn't take too long to dig before you realise that; LO! AND BEHOLD!
What they actually mean by 'seeking knowledge' is attending 2hrs of islamic classes a week for the most adhering ones.

It's possible that there are brothers out there who do genuiely seek knowledge for the sake of Allah (although I'm the first to admit that there's only a certain amount we can seek in the West) - the majority does not and this point alone can easily make a sister turn down proposals.

Now, do not think for a second that you should seek knowledge for you to get married, you'll stain your intentions.
Seek knowledge for Allaah, aim to learn your religion so that you can one day teach & benefit your family and Allaah (swt) will open the doors to blessings for you.

Where's the money at brother?

I had to add this one in.
I never understood brothers who will present themselves to a sister while they don't have the financial means to sustain a wife. Funny thing is that they also know they're not able to provide for her but still want to marry. LALA-land at its finest.

'ajib isn't it?

Perhaps more worrying is the lack of responsability (al-mas'uliyyah) from our brothers, marriage is a whole load of responsabilities for both men and women but men have that bit extra responsability.
How sad is it to see them unaware of their role? Ignorant of their duties? Careless of their responsabilities? ---->  Need i say more?  

 f.i.x         u.p          q.u.i.c.k

Where's the sabr (patience) bro?

They say patience is a virtue, I guess they were right.

Sometimes I feel like brothers have very little patience when it comes to the whole zawaj thing but some sisters also act recklessly at times (they'll have their own hold up post too).

I won't say much about this as it's quite self-explanatory (i hope) but patience in all situations is always a bonus and particularly in this issue. 

Don't rush to marry a sister simply because she looks fine or because she seems religious. Take your time to require lenghtly but don't take years and years, make a decision and place your trust in Allah.

 - ... - to be continued

Be happy.. & SINGLE

Assalam 'aleykum waRahmatullaahi waBarakatuh everyone,

Ahlan wa Sahlan after what seemed like years and years.. of not updating the blog but hey, I always get amazed to see how many people regurlarly visit this blog on a d.a.i..l.y basis.

I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that people from all over the world would be reading my articles on Zawaj and find them interesting or beneficial..

                             Aaaah, this blog will make me famous one day *dreams away*

Journalist: 'So, Umm Z., how did you get this brilliant idea of starting Zawajland?
Me: If you knew how this all started.. a night, a friend, an idea and BOOM a blog!'

It's been nearly three years since this blog was created, a few articles, some criticisms (oh well!), lots of encouragements (oh yes!), my anonymity lost (oh noo!) but it's still going on.

However, I am not that naive to think that most of you guys are reading this because you're interested in what I have to say but most of you read this blog because it's all about marriage (you know that I'm right)

I'm pretty convinced if this blog was aimed towards other religious aspects .. it wouldn't be so popular. Kinda sad really.

And this leads to today's article.. why can't we be happy and single?!

- Why can't we just be happy to be single?

- Why do we always have to talk about marriage in our gatherings?

- Why are we constantly thinking about marriage?

- Why are brothers always standing in front of the masajids?

- Why are sisters not lowering their gazes?

- Why are we not happy with the Qadr of Allaah?

- Why do I have a blog on marriage?

- Why do you read my articles?

- Why aren't we happy to live with our parents?

- Why do we idealise our future spouse so much?

- Why do we have unrealistic expectations?

- Why are so short-sighted?

- Why are we so confused about love?

- Why are we so afraid of growing old alone?

Why, why & why?

Because we are never happy with what we have (most of us anyway) and for brothers even when they eventually get married, guess WHAT? And sisters who constantly fantasise about a bearded prince if they knew how chilled out life is at their momma and daddy's house, guess WHAT?
No, actually forget it!


All I'm trying to say here is that we should concentrate on things that are more important like improving our ownselves, seeking knowledge, being dutiful to our parents, being concerned with the Ummah. Marriage is not something we control so leave it up to the One who controls all things *simple*.

Being single is a blessing in itself that most of us do not realise, we all want to rush towards something that were it not for the Mercy of Allaah, we could have flopped and messed up. REAL BAD.

Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't get married (come on, that would be contradicting my blog!), just that it's not necessary to worry too much about it or to have 1000 theoretical discussions on who you think is the ideal husband/wife.

I know that this advice may not sound very appealing to a lot of you because the shahaawat (desires) are burning you and taking over your rational mind at times, if that is the case listen to what the Lord says in Surah Noor; verse 33:

'And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah enriches them of His Bounty'

Yes! Remaining chaste (physically, mentally) will help you be happy & single.

I will leave you with these last words to think about and ponder over:

Love is overrated. We are blinded by what we see from people surrounding us but if we were to open our eyes, we would surely see what real Love is.

I ask you by Allaah, have you seen a Love more pure, genuine, wholesome than the Love Allaah has for you?

I don't want to depress you but some of the greatest Islamic Scholars never got married, they had found the purest of Love.. they didn't need anything else...

Why do we?

Subhanaka Allaahuma, astaghfirullaahi wa atouubu ilayh.

Ila liqaa

Oh sister, is he threatened by your Degree?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

السلام عليكم 

Sisters who know me already know of my adamant position regarding education in general and especially Muslim girls/women seeking education. 

  

  ''Seeking knowledge is a duty of every Muslim, man or woman”.

•  Islamic Knowledge

Many people have this erred belief that islamic knowledge is a property that is exclusive to men for men and khalas that is it. Added to this misconception, I feel that a lot of women/girls are lethargic (what an ugly word) when it comes to seeking islamic knowledge.

 Yes, I agree that there aren't a huge number of facilities allowing sisters to study in the West but if you look deeper, you will find in almost every city a center or a masjid or someone willing to teach you about Islam. This unfortunate attitude has translated in many sisters marrying brothers without having correct or complete knowledge of the rules of marriage, divorce, children and other topics dealing with zawaj.

I've mentioned this in previous articles, but I'll say it again: it is imperative that you know what you're getting into. 
Can someone pray if they don't know how to pray? No. Treat marriage as so because it is, after all, worship.
It has rules: you have rights & you have duties. He has rights & he has duties.

Sisters, learn your religion at the hands of trustworthy people: the well-know 'Ulama (scholars) of this Ummah. If you aren't married, make it your aim to memorise the Qur'an or have, at least, a plan for yourself before your marriage. 

Aim high and be proactive, no more complaining. 
If there aren't lessons taking place in your area, how about you begin by organising a small sisters' circle?
 Start small and built up from there.

A swift reminder on sincerity would perhaps be best here. It may be a very personal feeling but I feel that for many, seeking knowledge has become a label more than anything. A sticker you stick on yourself just because... yeah, well you attend the weekly duroos at the masjid. 
Be humble, be sincere.. easy words, profound meanings. 
I'll leave it here for you to think about it..

Now, don't let marriage or Mr.Sweet Eyes distract you from the path you've embarked! 
This is your path to Jannah by the permission of Allaah. I suggest you discuss this point in your meetings with your potential(s). Perhaps he can teach you at home? (lucky girl!) Perhaps he can find someone to teach you & the ladies in your area? Perhaps he doesn't want you to have more 'ilm than him? (yes, some are like that!)

PS: Remember, you can also add points like this in your marriage contract (Stay tuned for this article 'Tips on what to write in your marriage contract'  inshAllaah)

• Other type of Knowledge 

I get thrilled when I see Muslim sisters who have finished their academic route whislt remaining steadfast on their deen. Sadly, it is not a common sight for me. Throughout my own journey on this route, I picked up the traits of those sisters and drawn some conclusions. We could all agree on 3 main types of girls: 

- the first type, by the Mercy of Allaah, has completed or is in the process of completing her education. She is a religious girl who has her intentions checked and knows why she is studying, she has her own plan and aims. She avoids the evils of mixed schools to the best of her ability (and.. that IS possible), she prays her prayers and wears the correct Hijab. She has the adab prescribed in the Qur'an & Sunnah and is a 'walking dawah' in her campus. We should all aspire to be like this.

- the second type has as Allaah [swt] describes in surah Fatir: '..khalatu 'amalan saleehan wa akhara sayyi'a..' They have mixed a good action with evil one (approximative translation). You may see them in the students bar, coming in the prayer room with tight jeans, possibly mixing with guys but they still identify as Muslims, they still come and pray. They could do well with a helping hand from the first type of sisters.

- the third type has unfortunatly, fell deep into the wrong side. 
We all know their characteristics, may Allaah make them & us steadfast.

Way too many people believe that education is not for girls.. 

what's the point? She'll get married anyway

So what? I feel the urge to say when I hear this statement.
How does the fact that 'she'll get married anyway' take anything away from her seeking education? Don't we all want female doctors, teachers, scientists, dentists, nurses, instructors, buisnesswomen, lawyers, accountants..? 
Even if, she chooses not to work later on, having an education background will definetly help her in her personal skills. 
What if she has no other choice but to work? Is she going to survive on a degrading job?

I will not deny that we also have among us the other extreme, the utra-super-militant girls who believe that unless you graduate, go on post-grad, pursue a PhD then you're just a loser with a big L. No need to push it neither extremes, keep it to the middle path. 

Ah! I didn't talk about those brothers who ... feel threatned to marry a girl with more knowledge than them (be it religious or secular). That was my title right?
This happens. It probably has a name like 'Im-scared-to-marry-a-sister-with-a-degree- Syndrome'. We also have sisters with a disease called 'He-aint-got-a-degree- what-a-loser Syndrome'.. this is also wrong. 

Ideally,  when one is looking to marry, you'd want to marry someone with a similar educational background as yourself. I mean, imagine a bedouin girl marrying a guy with a PhD in neuroscience.. Happy days they will indeed have! 
  


*SIGH* I feel like I'm rumbling away on this post, I don't even think this is how I wanted this post to go! Awkward. 

My final words: sisters, do seek knowledge. Islamic & Secular. Study something beneficial that you enjoy, become proficient in your area, develop expertise. Intent to help yourself, your family, your community, the Ummah with that degree. Work hard but do not neglect your deen, do not compromise on your beliefs, do not fall to the whispers of the Shaytan. Remain far, far from the opposite gender and work even harder.



The Prophet 'aleyhi salaam mentioned in a hadith that I cherish 

Allaah loves when any one of you does an action, that he perfects it

Subhanaka Allahuma astaghfirullaah wa atubu ilayk

A brother's whisper

Bismillaahi Ar-Rahmaan Ar-Raheem,

Assalam 'Aleykum waRahmatullaahi Wabaraktuh dear readers,

In this hectic period of (dunya) examinations & tests, it seems that I only manage to blog when something out of the ordinary happens to me. Like today.

The story goes like this...

Location: a packed library
Characters: Myself, a brother and a sister


11am: I decide to head towards the library in order to start on some over-due work. I quickly manage to find a seat despite the crowd and begin my report. I hadn't written more than 5 sentences when I was unexpectedly interrupted by a whisper behind me which almost made me jump from my seat. I turn around very swiftly and find a bearded individual standing there. At that very uncertain moment where a million thoughts are running in my head, I recognise the brother who is actually in one of my classes. The brother continues his whisper whilst casting his gaze downwards:

'Excuse-me sister, can you see that sister behind the printer? Do you know her?'

As I hear these two sentences, my cheeks turn red, my throat dries up, my fingers interlock and my eyes stare at the sister who is so innocently waiting for her papers to come out of the printer. At that point I was totally bewildered, I mean the brother in question had never spoken to me before and I had always thought that he was a married man with children so I was extremely confused as to why he would ask me such a question!

I replied: 'No, I don't know her'

He added in a hurried whisper: 'Could you please find out if she's married? Don't tell her anything about me, just find out if she's available.'

'OK' I replied astonished and shocked.

Then he left and I turned back to my books and computer screen.

However it was impossible to concentrate, I had agreed to do something I'm completely against despite my own will. I felt trapped.
On one hand, I couldn't (and didn't want to) begin an argument (with this individual) as to why this is wrong and anyway, you are not allowed to talk in a library!!!) Yet on the other hand, I had said 'OK' and he would be waiting for the answer.

As I scribbled in my notebook, my vision could capture the sister (the brother also sat in a convenient seat which allowed him to see the sister but also witness my heroic move if it happened).

11:07am: The sister collects all her papers and takes her bag. I can feel the nerves but in all honesty I had already decided (in my head) that I would not tell her anything but I felt nervous because the brother was supervising all her and my movements. I look at her direction and she walks right behind me with few of her friends. She stops, looks towards me and leaves the library. The brother was also sneakily looking at her behind his book.


11:15am: Still confused at the whole thing, I decide to leave the place and get some fresh air.

Conclusion:

This was probably one of the strangest encounter I've ever had and if you're a brother, never ever do this. Not only this annoyed me (being interrupted, having a brother whispering, pointless request ect..) but it seemed so wrong to me. At one point I felt to tell the brother: 'Check my post: Best scenarios Part 1, it should help you'.

After ample reflexion, I feel sorry for the brother and anyone who is in the same case. It's not easy remaining chaste and seeking halal marriage. The struggle he's probably going through is bigger than the annoyance I've felt as I was interrupted. I pray that Allaah helps this individual (and the rest of us) in seeking the halal and leaving the haram in every matter.

My Husband is a good man

Assalam 'aleykum people,

Today, like most days, I had a long and eventful day however someone made it a bit more special than usual. Well, I had a meeting earlier (and no, it's not the meeting you're thinking of *rolls eyes*) let's say a work/study meeting with a young (muslim) girl of Bengladeshi origin.

We sat down in the nearby cafeteria and began talking about various things. Out of the blue, the sister mentioned that she is married (she's 21 yrs old) so I sympathetically expressed my happiness and sort-of congratulated her. She seemed happy. We carried on our conversation which was, by that time, interupted by some unconsiderate young men who were shouting around *very annoying*.
Once the cafeteria had regained its quietness, the sister whispered a sentence that made me smile from my heart. She said: 'my husband is a good man' in such a genuine and honest way that everyone would just go 'aww'. A simple sentence which implicated a huge meaning.

It triggered me into thinking about the issue (little things tend to make me think a lot). You know, the way you deal with people leave a mark on them so much so that they begin to talk about you to others (in goodness) without you having a clue about it. I mean, we don't hear this sentence much amongst married women. In fact, usually we hear 'my husband doesn't know this.. or that' 'my husband can't do this ..or that'. All things negative. Indeed wasn't it the Prophet 'aleihi salaam who said that women would outnumber men in the Fire of Hell, one of the reasons being 'because they deny the favours of their husbands'? Yes, that is the case.



Ladies, let's learn how to appreciate little things. I could sense the happiness radiating from the sister today (may Allaah increase it for her). In case you're thinking, 'oh that's because she's newly married' then you're wrong. If you're thinking: 'oh that's because she had a love marriage' then you're wrong again! The sister had an arranged marriage and has been married for over a year -may Allaah increase it for her-.
Happiness is in acknowledging and appreciating the little daily things about your partner, it's in being patient with their shortcomings, it's in thanking them and making supplications on their behalf. Happiness in marriage is remembering the other even though they're not around. (these are some of my theoreotical hypotheses from today)

She (expectedly) asked me whether I was married to which I replied in the negative.
She smiled and further interrogated me: 'oh, you have a boyfriend?'  -
Now that question surprised me but I didn't take it offensively (good mood) but a very off-side question to ask a muslima who looks like one (outwardly at least).
I giggled: 'haha, boyfriend? God forbid!'.
 I found out that laughing/giggling things off help a lot during awkward/weird/embarassing moments, it diverts attention but the sister was quite insistant in her interrogation. Perhaps I should've have laughed a bit more? Maybe, maybe not.

Finally, let me end with the words that have been ringing in my head this afternoon:

'My husband is a good man' - simple sentence, simple words, big meaning.

Ma'salaam

Indecency/Immorality

Assalam 'aleykum,

Bismillaah wa salaatu wa salaam 'ala Rasulilaah salla Allaah 'aleyhi wa salaam.

I wanted to say something about indecency/immorality.
This post has actually been triggered by a message we've received earlier this month from a young sister. For confidentiality purposes, I won't reveal any of the contents of the message but the least I can say is that it left me disturbed and disgusted.

Indency and immorality are spreading across the globe at a fast speed, things that would have been considered immoral  few years ago have now become the 'norm' for many people. Society is promoting the spreading of these indecent behaviors, thoughts and dissolves it so that it is smoothly assimilated by people. Sadly, muslims whether in the West or in the East have not been much successful in resisting these forces of the Shaytaan from approaching them.

It's quite sad when our Prophet 'aleyhi salaam was the epitome of good morals and character so much so that Allaah says regarding the Prophet 'Indeed, you are on an exalted standard of character'. We need to be worthy of being part of the Ummah of Muhammad (peace be upon him).

 I remember reading about a companion who had seen from a woman something he shouldn't have and was severely affected by remorse and regret that he ran away from Medina to the near-by mountains and would be crying & crying. The Prophet was concerned about his absence so he sent some of the companions to look for him and they found him at last. This is the feeling we should be getting when we witness indecency or immorality. This is the reaction the heart filled with faith gets. As for the dead heart or the sick one, the reaction is minimal almost non-existent.

Another problem is public education, I suggest parents who have young childreen or teenagers to reconsider sending their kids in public schools where they are taught many things you woudn't approve of! In schools, the teaching staff is not the only teacher! Best believe that their class-mates will also be doing some teaching.. and not the kind of teaching we would like our kids to learn.
Children are a trust from God, be wary of neglecting this trust.

Preserve yourselves O believers.

'O You who Believe! Protect yourselves and your families from the Fire which the fuel for it are men and stones.'

Subhanaka Allaahuma wa bihamdik.