Hold up brother!

Assalam 'Aleykum !

DISCLAIMER:

This post may be offensive to my brothers in Islam so it is with extra care and no sarcasm that I will be writing today's article inshAllaah. I will , in this post, reflect some of the concerns most sisters have regarding our brothers in faith. However, these are not a one-size-fits-all and I am not trying to stereotype or point fingers (I promise) but I'm here to address issues  that I feel perhaps brothers are not conscious of and could possibly benefit from.

How's your Deen akhi?

It is known to everyone that MOST young people have returned to the Deen in the last 3 to 5 years and Allaah is praised for this, Alhamdulilaah! This recent phenomena has meant that we see more and more beards around, more swag like thobes and 'imamaahs but when it comes to asking the questions:

'So, when was the last time you prayed Qiyaam? Or, how frequently do you fast? What kutub or matn have you memorised?'

I mean apart from stutters, I haven't heard much.

You may think.. woaaaah, memorise kutub? This sista is havin' a laugh! Who does she think she is? 

Ok, give me a minute. 

What brothers need to understand is that sisters (at least serious & practising ones) require brothers to have -at the very least- a strong base in Deen. A strong base in knowledge and a strong base in practice. Now, of course, the level required will differ from sister to sister.

A sister may be happy to marry a brother who can just teach her how to read Arabic and another may desire a brother who can teach her Nahw (Arabic Grammar). For a lot of us, the main reason why we turn down proposals is because we are presented with fresh-in-the-deen brothers who perhaps struggle with reading Fatiha with tajweed and who perhaps don't even know halaal from haram ect..

Where's the seeking of knowledge akhi?

The majority of young brothers in the West think, out of good intentions, that they seek knowledge and when a prospective sister asks this question, they jump in to say:

'Yes alhamdulilah I seek knowledge'.

But, it doesn't take too long to dig before you realise that; LO! AND BEHOLD!
What they actually mean by 'seeking knowledge' is attending 2hrs of islamic classes a week for the most adhering ones.

It's possible that there are brothers out there who do genuiely seek knowledge for the sake of Allah (although I'm the first to admit that there's only a certain amount we can seek in the West) - the majority does not and this point alone can easily make a sister turn down proposals.

Now, do not think for a second that you should seek knowledge for you to get married, you'll stain your intentions.
Seek knowledge for Allaah, aim to learn your religion so that you can one day teach & benefit your family and Allaah (swt) will open the doors to blessings for you.

Where's the money at brother?

I had to add this one in.
I never understood brothers who will present themselves to a sister while they don't have the financial means to sustain a wife. Funny thing is that they also know they're not able to provide for her but still want to marry. LALA-land at its finest.

'ajib isn't it?

Perhaps more worrying is the lack of responsability (al-mas'uliyyah) from our brothers, marriage is a whole load of responsabilities for both men and women but men have that bit extra responsability.
How sad is it to see them unaware of their role? Ignorant of their duties? Careless of their responsabilities? ---->  Need i say more?  

 f.i.x         u.p          q.u.i.c.k

Where's the sabr (patience) bro?

They say patience is a virtue, I guess they were right.

Sometimes I feel like brothers have very little patience when it comes to the whole zawaj thing but some sisters also act recklessly at times (they'll have their own hold up post too).

I won't say much about this as it's quite self-explanatory (i hope) but patience in all situations is always a bonus and particularly in this issue. 

Don't rush to marry a sister simply because she looks fine or because she seems religious. Take your time to require lenghtly but don't take years and years, make a decision and place your trust in Allah.

 - ... - to be continued

A brother's whisper

Bismillaahi Ar-Rahmaan Ar-Raheem,

Assalam 'Aleykum waRahmatullaahi Wabaraktuh dear readers,

In this hectic period of (dunya) examinations & tests, it seems that I only manage to blog when something out of the ordinary happens to me. Like today.

The story goes like this...

Location: a packed library
Characters: Myself, a brother and a sister


11am: I decide to head towards the library in order to start on some over-due work. I quickly manage to find a seat despite the crowd and begin my report. I hadn't written more than 5 sentences when I was unexpectedly interrupted by a whisper behind me which almost made me jump from my seat. I turn around very swiftly and find a bearded individual standing there. At that very uncertain moment where a million thoughts are running in my head, I recognise the brother who is actually in one of my classes. The brother continues his whisper whilst casting his gaze downwards:

'Excuse-me sister, can you see that sister behind the printer? Do you know her?'

As I hear these two sentences, my cheeks turn red, my throat dries up, my fingers interlock and my eyes stare at the sister who is so innocently waiting for her papers to come out of the printer. At that point I was totally bewildered, I mean the brother in question had never spoken to me before and I had always thought that he was a married man with children so I was extremely confused as to why he would ask me such a question!

I replied: 'No, I don't know her'

He added in a hurried whisper: 'Could you please find out if she's married? Don't tell her anything about me, just find out if she's available.'

'OK' I replied astonished and shocked.

Then he left and I turned back to my books and computer screen.

However it was impossible to concentrate, I had agreed to do something I'm completely against despite my own will. I felt trapped.
On one hand, I couldn't (and didn't want to) begin an argument (with this individual) as to why this is wrong and anyway, you are not allowed to talk in a library!!!) Yet on the other hand, I had said 'OK' and he would be waiting for the answer.

As I scribbled in my notebook, my vision could capture the sister (the brother also sat in a convenient seat which allowed him to see the sister but also witness my heroic move if it happened).

11:07am: The sister collects all her papers and takes her bag. I can feel the nerves but in all honesty I had already decided (in my head) that I would not tell her anything but I felt nervous because the brother was supervising all her and my movements. I look at her direction and she walks right behind me with few of her friends. She stops, looks towards me and leaves the library. The brother was also sneakily looking at her behind his book.


11:15am: Still confused at the whole thing, I decide to leave the place and get some fresh air.

Conclusion:

This was probably one of the strangest encounter I've ever had and if you're a brother, never ever do this. Not only this annoyed me (being interrupted, having a brother whispering, pointless request ect..) but it seemed so wrong to me. At one point I felt to tell the brother: 'Check my post: Best scenarios Part 1, it should help you'.

After ample reflexion, I feel sorry for the brother and anyone who is in the same case. It's not easy remaining chaste and seeking halal marriage. The struggle he's probably going through is bigger than the annoyance I've felt as I was interrupted. I pray that Allaah helps this individual (and the rest of us) in seeking the halal and leaving the haram in every matter.

My Husband is a good man

Assalam 'aleykum people,

Today, like most days, I had a long and eventful day however someone made it a bit more special than usual. Well, I had a meeting earlier (and no, it's not the meeting you're thinking of *rolls eyes*) let's say a work/study meeting with a young (muslim) girl of Bengladeshi origin.

We sat down in the nearby cafeteria and began talking about various things. Out of the blue, the sister mentioned that she is married (she's 21 yrs old) so I sympathetically expressed my happiness and sort-of congratulated her. She seemed happy. We carried on our conversation which was, by that time, interupted by some unconsiderate young men who were shouting around *very annoying*.
Once the cafeteria had regained its quietness, the sister whispered a sentence that made me smile from my heart. She said: 'my husband is a good man' in such a genuine and honest way that everyone would just go 'aww'. A simple sentence which implicated a huge meaning.

It triggered me into thinking about the issue (little things tend to make me think a lot). You know, the way you deal with people leave a mark on them so much so that they begin to talk about you to others (in goodness) without you having a clue about it. I mean, we don't hear this sentence much amongst married women. In fact, usually we hear 'my husband doesn't know this.. or that' 'my husband can't do this ..or that'. All things negative. Indeed wasn't it the Prophet 'aleihi salaam who said that women would outnumber men in the Fire of Hell, one of the reasons being 'because they deny the favours of their husbands'? Yes, that is the case.



Ladies, let's learn how to appreciate little things. I could sense the happiness radiating from the sister today (may Allaah increase it for her). In case you're thinking, 'oh that's because she's newly married' then you're wrong. If you're thinking: 'oh that's because she had a love marriage' then you're wrong again! The sister had an arranged marriage and has been married for over a year -may Allaah increase it for her-.
Happiness is in acknowledging and appreciating the little daily things about your partner, it's in being patient with their shortcomings, it's in thanking them and making supplications on their behalf. Happiness in marriage is remembering the other even though they're not around. (these are some of my theoreotical hypotheses from today)

She (expectedly) asked me whether I was married to which I replied in the negative.
She smiled and further interrogated me: 'oh, you have a boyfriend?'  -
Now that question surprised me but I didn't take it offensively (good mood) but a very off-side question to ask a muslima who looks like one (outwardly at least).
I giggled: 'haha, boyfriend? God forbid!'.
 I found out that laughing/giggling things off help a lot during awkward/weird/embarassing moments, it diverts attention but the sister was quite insistant in her interrogation. Perhaps I should've have laughed a bit more? Maybe, maybe not.

Finally, let me end with the words that have been ringing in my head this afternoon:

'My husband is a good man' - simple sentence, simple words, big meaning.

Ma'salaam