Looking for a spouse - by anonymous reader

Note: Assalam 'aleykum everyone! I'm pleased to post this article which was fowarded to us by one of our readers. This is an in-depth and full research on marriage, it was a beneficial reading for me and I hope it'll be the same for the rest f you all. I remind everyone that because of my busy schedule I am not able to be as active on the blog so therefore I am giving the readers a chance to share their thoughts on this topic so feel free to send us your articles and we can publish them on the blog. See you all very soon!

Making sure that Muslims are well-matched to their spouses is one of the most important and potentially difficult functions in Muslim society. The individual seeking marriage must have his/her priorities straight and be clear on what characteristics are most important to be sought in a spouse in order to have a successful marriage. There are many characteristics that are important in a husband or a wife but some are much more important than others. Overemphasizing the wrong qualities can lead to disaster down the road just as being neglectful of certain considerations can do likewise. When we come to understand the goals and priorities of marriage in Islam, we may be guided to the Islamic methodology of seeking marriage in Islam and stop blindly following the disbelievers in their ignorant notions of the importance of "getting to know each other" and other such concepts which in reality contribute nothing to and more often sabotage a successful marriage.

The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam ) taught us in many ahadith about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse and their relative importance and which ones determine success insha Allah and Allah's blessing on a marriage. Among those hadith:

"Inna al-mar'ata tunkahu lideeniha wa maaliha wa jamaaliha fa 'alaika bi dhaati ad-deeni taribat yadaaka."

"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" Muslim

"Takhayyaroo li nutafikum fankihoo al-akfaa'u wa ankihoo ilaihim."

"Choose carefully for your seed. Marry those who are equivalent (or "qualified") and give to them in marriage."
Ibn Majah and others and it is sahih.

In the following sections, we will discuss insha Allah, some of the most important characteristics that can be found in the Qur'an and the sunnah when it come to choosing a good spouse.

Religion

In the previous hadith, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam ) mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human nature except for the issue of "deen", i.e., a prospective spouses piety and practice of Islam - their fulfilling of the wajib and their avoidance of the haraam. About this characteristic, the Prophet (sas) said "alaikum bi dhaati ad-deen" or "it is upon you to seek the one of piety". This is an order and quite different from the general statement at the beginning of the hadith which says "a woman IS MARRIED for..." and separates the issue of deen from the other mundane issues and puts it in a category by itself. Also, when the Prophet (sas) says at the end of the hadith "may your hands be in the dust", invoking this negative outcome on those who disregard his order, it can only refer to the order to seen the spouse with piety, since that is the only order in the hadith.

We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere wearing of hijab or keeping a beard and praying in the masjid, while obvious requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are many people who at first glance appear to be abiding by Islam, but upon closer inspection have a twisted understanding of Islam and their practice in reality may leave much to be desired. Umar once told someone who had testified to the goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the masjid that he does not know him as long as he has not had dealings with him that involved money, had lived with him or travelled with him.

The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to the bride. The guardian of the woman should make this his first and top priority just as the man looking for a wife should make it his. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) said:

"Idhaa ataakum man tardhauna deenahu wa khuluqahu fa zawwijoohu. Illaa taf'aloo takun fitnatun fiy al-ardhi wa fasaadun kabeerun."

"If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied with comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil." 
At-Tirmidhi and others and it is hassan.

Character and Behavior

In the previous hadith addressed to those in charge of the marital affairs of Muslim women and girls, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) commanded them to facilitate their marriage when they are satisfied with two issues: the faith of the suitor and his character.

Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind as we can see from the following hadith:

"Innama bu'ithtu li utammima saliha al-akhlaaqi."
"I have only been sent to complete good character." 
Al-Hakim and others (Saheeh)

"Anaa za'eemun bibaitin fiy a'laa al-jannati liman hassana khuluqahu."
"I am a guarantor of a house in the highest part of Paradise for one who makes his character good." 
Abu Dawud and it is Hasan.

"Al-Birru husnu al-khuluqi."
"Righteousness is good character." 
Muslim

"Akmalu al-mu'mineen imaanan ahsanuhum khuluqan."
"The believers with the most complete iman are those with the best character." 
Abu Daud and it is sahih.

In An-Noor verse 26, Allah establishes the relation of this issue to marriage:

{Al-khabithaatu lilkhabitheena wa al-khabithoona lil-khabithaati wa at-tayyibaatu lil-tayyibeena wa at-tayyiboona lil-tayyibaati.}
{Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women.} An-Noor:26

The word khabith translated as "good" above means filthy, unclean and despicable. It is a very strong word. The word tayyib translated as good, connotes clean and pure as well as good.

One of the important issues of character in the spouses is the quality of wudd. This means kindness and lovingness and compassion. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) said:

"Tazawwajoo al-wadood al-walood fa inniy mukaathirun bikum al-umama yaum al-qiyama."
"Marry the loving/friendly, the child-bearing for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on Qiyama." 
Ahmad, Abu Daud and others and it is Saheeh.

Therefore, the prospective spouses must ask and find out about the other person's behavior and manners. As a sign also, one may look at the other person's family's manners and behavior and many times (but no always) the behavior of people of the same family are similar. In other words, some characteristics tend to run in some families whether they be good or bad characters such as anger, politeness, stinginess, generosity, lying, truthfulness and so forth.

Child-Bearing

As we say in the previous hadith, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) recommended men to marry those women who are child-bearing. This characteristic is related to some of the goals and purposes of marriage that were mentioned earlier such as procreating the Muslim Ummah, raising a pious family as a cornerstone of society and so forth.

The scholars mention that a man can look at a woman's female relatives to get an idea whether she is apt to get pregnant easily and often or not. This attribute should also apply to the man. For example a man who say before Islam had a vasectomy would not be an appropriate husband for a Muslim girl getting married for the first time.

Virginity

There are many hadith which recommend a man marry a virgin woman such as the following:

"Tazawwajoo al-abkaara fa innahunna a'dhabu afwaahan wa antaqu arhaaman wa ardhaa bil-yaseeri."
"Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more productive wombs and are more pleased with less." 
At-Tabaraani and it is Hasan

Other narrations indicate that she is more likely to be pleased by a man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Once, when Jaabir married an older and previously married woman, the Prophet (sas) said to him:

"Halaa bikran tulaai'buhaa wa tulaa'ibuka."
"Why not a virgin? You could have played with her and she with you."

The scholars have stressed that this good attribute applies to the husband just as it applies to the wife. One of them wrote: "Similarly, it is preferred for a person not to marry his daughter except to a virgin man if she has never been married before." Umar ibn Al-Khattab once heard about a woman who was married to an elderly man and he said: "O people, fear Allah and marry a man to a woman who is similar to him and marry a woman to a man who is similar to her."

Beauty

This characteristic has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both spouses from sins. The best way to do this is to have a strong attraction between the spouses. Although this is something which surely grows over time, initial impressions can in come cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) separated Qais ibn Shamaas from his wife in the famous case of Khul'a and her stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her. There are many hadith which urge the prospective spouse to get a look at the other before undertaking the marriage. Once a companion told him

( Sallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) that he was going to get married. The Prophet ( Sallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam ) asked if he had seen her. When the man said no, he (Sallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) said:

"Idh-hab fandhur ilaihaa fa innahu ahraa an yu'dama bainakum."
"Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." 
Ahmad and others and it is sahih.

Umar ibn Al-Khattab once said: "Do not force your young girls to marry an ugly man, for they also love what you love." Ibn Abideen (a famous faqeeh from last century) said: "The woman should choose a man who is religious, of good character, generous and of ample wealth. She should not marry an evildoer. A person should not marry his young daughter to an old man and an ugly man but he should marry her to one similar."

Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority list under piety, character and deen. When a person puts beauty above all else, the results can be disastrous. This is one of the big reasons that young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature family members in making their choice.

Looking at a Prospective Spouse

As we have seen, the Prophet ( Sallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam ) encouraged men considering marriage to a particular woman to get a look at her. He ( Sallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) said in another hadith:

"Idhaa khataba ahadukum al-mar'ata fa'in istataa'a an yandhura minha ilaa ma yad'oohu ilaa nikaahihaa falyaf'al."
"If one of you proposes to a woman and if he is able to look at of her that which motivates him to marry her, let him do so." 
Abu Daud & others (hassan)

Note that this hadith does not abrogate the limits of what a woman may expose to non-mahaarim. She must continue to be well covered except for her face and hands in front of all of them and the prospective husband, even if he has proposed, is no exception to this. Even such a one is still only permitted to see what anyone else is permitted to see. The difference is that he is allowed to take a good look - if it were not for the proposal of marriage, both would be required to avert their eyes after the first glance. As the Prophet (Sallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) said to Ali about the look at a non-mahram woman: "The first is for you, the second is against you."

Also, it is clear that the purpose of this look is very specific: to help one determine whether or not they would like to marry that person. Once that has been determined and the decision has been made, it is no longer permissible for them to look at each other. If a man and a woman decide that they want to marry each other, this does not make it allowed for them to continue to see each other. Just the opposite, since the decision has been made there is no longer any need for them to see each other and they are no longer allowed to do so. This is because until the moment the offer and acceptance of the marriage have been pronounced, there is no relationship of any kind between them and all of the laws regarding strange men and women still apply to them.

There are a number of important points which pertain to this issue:

1. Some scholars say that this look is sunnah (i.e., recommended) while others say that it is simply permissible. The hadith would seem to favor the first point of view.
2. It can only be done if the person actually intends marriage to the person AND there is a real possibility of it taking place. Otherwise, such a look remains forbidden.
3. It cannot take place in private. In other words, it is not allowed for a man and a woman who are not married - even if they are "engaged" - to be alone together.
4. The look can occur more than once - if and only if the objective has not been accomplished.

I. There are several opinions about how much of the woman is lawful to be seen in this context as follows:
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i.	He can see what anyone else can see i.e., he can look at her when she is dressed in the proper outdoor dress of a Muslim woman. This is the mainstream opinion, the safest one and the one which agrees with all of the evidence.
ii	. One opinion among the Hanbali school of thought which says that he can see her in normal indoor (around only her family) dress which would include the exposing of her neck, arms, lower legs, etc.

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iii.

One bizarre and off-the-wall opinion from the Dhahiri (literalist) school of thought which says that he may view her entire body. Although they have linguistic arguments to extract this from the hadith, this practice is completely unfounded since it contradicts many verses of Qur'an and other hadith and is not supported by any known practice of the Companions or the first few generations.

1. The scholars recommend that this look take place when one has intended a proposal but the actual proposal has occurred. Although the apparent of the hadith seems to indicate otherwise, this is regarded as better in order to avoid hurting the woman's feelings if the man changes his mind after seeing her.
2. The majority of scholars say that her foreknowledge or permission is not needed - especially since he is merely seeing her in public and in a way that anyone else can see her. The Maliki school of thought says that it is disliked to look at her when she is unaware since evil men may use this as an excuse to look at women all the time and when told to stop would say "We are thinking of proposing to one of them."

Women Looking at a Prospective Husband

The woman also has a right to look at her prospective husband. Many scholars have stated that "The women like the same things we like." Some have even said that it is MORE important for the woman to see the man. This is because the man holds the right of instant and unconditional divorce in case he is displeased with his wife. It is not so easy for the woman to get out of a marriage and so she must have priority in this issue.

Being Alone With (Khalwa) a Prospective Spouse and Other Questions

Can a Man be Alone with His "Fiancee"?

Again, no matter what words, promises, commitments, etc. have passed between the parties, until the marriage contract has been transacted and a man and woman are actually married, there is no relationship at all between them and they are to each other as any other strange man and woman.

The Prophet (Sallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) has forbidden for a man and a woman to be alone together. This ruling applies to a "fiancee" just as much as it applies to any other unrelated man and woman. One of the hadith which make this clear is:

"Laa yakhluwanna rajulun bi imra'atin illa ma'a dhiy mahram."
"A man cannot be alone with a woman except along with a male relative [of hers]." 
Bukhari & Muslim

Touching

Obviously, since those "engaged" to be married have no legal relationship beyond any other strange man and woman, obviously any form of touching between them is not allowed. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) said:

"La'an yut'ana fiy ra'si ahadikum bi makheetin min hadeed khairun lahu min an yamassa imra'atan laa tahillu lahu."
"For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than to touch a woman who is not permissible to him." 
At-Tabarani (Saheeh)

Phone Calls

All the scholars have pointed out that it is not proper or acceptable for "fiancees" to be alone together or to have numerous encounters for the purpose of "getting to know each other". In fact, this is a horrible innovation that has spread among the Muslims. It must always be remembered that until they are married, they are like any other unrelated men and women to each other and their actions must reflect that fact.

Obviously, it is not allowed to be alone with, have telephone conversations or internet "chats" with unrelated men or women in order to "get to know each other". Those intending marriage but as yet unmarried are in the exact same position. Such disobedience in the very course of seeking an act of obedience (marriage) very much in need of Allah's blessing can have serious and long lasting effects in the destruction of the marital relationship after that. This is clearly the result of the similar "experiment" going in western societies over the last decades: the more they "open" these kind of issues the more disastrous their marriages become. Recently, the success rate of marriages in the U.S. dropped below 50%. This in spite of complete freedom of the couple to "get to know each other" in EVERY way and for as long as they wish before marriage. Muslims - most of whom are heading down this same road - need to wake up and take heed. The Prophet (Sallaahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) said:

"La tattabi'unna sunan alladhina min qablikum shibran bi shibrin wa dhiraa'an bi dhiraa'in hatta lau dakhaloo juhra dhubbin ladakhaltumoohu."
"You will follow the ways of those who came before you foot by foot and yard by yard and even if they go down a lizard's hole, you will follow them."

Difference Between "Engagement" and Delaying Consummation

In many Muslim countries, people transact the marriage contract, but agree not to actually begin the marriage until after a certain period of time. There is nothing wrong with this custom with two conditions:

1. The time period is not excessively long.
2. All parties understand that the two are legally married, their agreement to delay being together is not binding and there is nothing wrong if they change their mind and decide to be together before the appointed time.

This is quite different from the imported custom of "engagement". The only parallel to this western custom which many Muslims have adopted is what is called "khitba" which is the time between the beginning of discussions and the acceptance or rejection of the offer. In short, this has no legal validity of any kind and does not change anything about the relationship between the man and woman. Extending this to very long periods of time or worse, violating the Shari'a during that time in the ways we have discussed is a horrendous innovation (bid'a) which has spread among the Muslims.

Recommended Steps

The following are important steps not only for those interested in getting married but also for any others involved in the process of facilitating a marriage. The entire process, in order to be successful with Allah's blessing, should be proper and consistent with the teachings of the Qur'an and the Sunnah. All other endeavors will lead to misery and discord.

1. Both spouses should seek to get married purely for Allah's pleasure and in order to fulfill the purpose of marriage in Islam.
2. Both must put full trust in Allah that if they do everything properly and in accordance to the Shari'a that Allah will bless them with a good spouse and that any other approaches are falsehood and will not lead to Allah's blessing and success in marriage.
3. They should make du'a to Allah for a pious spouse who will aid them in their Islam and worship.
4. They should be very patient. The process of marriage may take a long time especially in areas where Muslims are a small minority.
5. If a person has Muslim parents, they should seek their help in finding a spouse. If not, they should seek help from married Muslim men and women.
6. When a person is found, they should seek advice from various parties familiar with the person.
7. They should see the prospective spouse and perhaps speak with them (not alone).
8. One should ask relevant questions and make clear the Islamic foundation of the marriage.
9. Both should pray istakhaara to seek Allah's counsel.
10. Before the marriage contract, all dealings should be with the wali, and no attempt should be made to strike up a relationship with the future spouse before the marriage.
11. They should avoid all of the innovations surrounding marriage which are so widespread among the Muslims.

Announcement

Bismillaah,

I hope everyone is doing good and in good faith. I praise Allaah (swt) for having guided us to this sublime way of life without which, we would be no better than animals.

Swiftly moving on, I know I haven't written the 2/2 of the Best Marriage Proposal Scenarios yet and I apologise for this. However I have another thing to apologise for.. erm, how do I say this in the best way? Well, I will not be posting in the next few months (until April) because my time schedule is incredibly tight until spring time and these articles take a considerable time to think over, plan, search and write. (seriously.)

But, (there's always a but) I know many of our readers come regularly visit our blog (we appreaciate it very much!) and it wouldn't be very fair to leave it totally empty until spring therefore, I am proposing a new idea which is the following..                                         *drum roll*

I believe it's important to give chances/opportunities to other people who want to give their views, share their opinions/personal experiences on this topic. I am pretty sure there are lots of people out there who may be more experienced than us or more eloquent or more knowledgeable than us regarding Zawaj & all that comes under it. So, if you ever wished to write your thoughts on this subject or to explain your way/method or to even anonymously share your story/anecdotes then please do send us an e-mail at: zawajland@hotmail.com with your article written in a nice & presentable manner.

To prevent any misunderstandings & to assure that we are on the same wavelenght, I am putting a few conditions inshAllaah:

- Obviously, there shouldn't be anything that opposes our religion in your article
- If you wish for your article to be published anonymously, please do mention it in your email
- Share your thoughts whislt bearing in mind the sensitivities of other people
- Do not make it excessively long
- Keep to the topic
- Do not include other people's real names, no backbitting please

I hope we do get different perspectives from various people inshAllaah, I'm sure that will be very interessting because our views may be biased on what we have seen so getting other people's input will be very beneficial.

Finally, I would like to remind all that this blog is dedicated to motivate/advise/present thoughts and we are only seeking the Pleasure of Allaah (swt) despite our topic being a sensitive one, I always like to remember that if our intentions are correct we may well be rewarded for every letter we type on this blog. Let's always remember Allaah (swt), Creator of the Heavens & Earth in all our dealings and especially with regards to marriage.

See you back in April.. inshAlllaah.

SubhanakAllaahouma wa bihamdik, astaghfirullaahi wa atubu ilayh



2 Best Marriage Proposals Scenarios (Part 1)

Scenario 1:

Requirements: a good religious brother, a good religious sister, a nice wali, piety & tawakul (trust in Allah), lots of good & well-informed people/community

Brother Ahmad is a young practising brother who is looking to get married, he hears of Sister Khadija & decides to further enquire about her. He asks people around the community who might know her to give some insight into who the sister is, her family, her status (maybe she’s already married?). Maybe she is active within Islamic circles? Or maybe she is related to some people Ahmad knows? Maybe Khadija attends the same activities as Ahmad? Regardless, he finds informations about her & he is very happy about what the feedback he is receiving so he decides to pray istikhara & goes forth with it. He somehow manages to see Khadija outside to have a quick look before taking the first step in contacting the wali. Few days later, he is shown who the wali (most usually the father) of Khadija is & starts giving him salams in the masjid or wherever he sees him.

 Ahmad informs his parents concerning his intentions of going to Khadija’s father & asks his family to try and gather as much extra info he could do with. One evening, after Maghrib, brother Ahmad with his heart almost ripping his chest approaches Uncle Musa (Khadija’s father) accompanied by his father. Ahmad’s father calmly explains his son’s desire to get to know Khadija within the well-defined Islamic limits. Uncle Musa accepts & the very same evening informs Khadija regarding the news, Khadija is surprised but excited and agrees to get to know Ahmad. Within the next weeks, Ahmad comes regularly at Khadija’s house to discuss various issues pertaining to marriage, their views on different issues, to question one another, to present their ideas ect.. The meetings are carefully arranged & Uncle Musa is never too far away from the living-room. After a good number of meetings & with a determined heart, Ahmad decides to ask Khadija’s hand in marriage to her father. Uncle Musa asks Khadija and she blushes profusely & softly manages to say: ‘yes, abu’.

The happy news is spread & the wedding is scheduled.

Notes: In this scenario you do not find any of the following things:

-          No contact with the sister before the Wali is informed of the brother’s intention

-          No mixed message coming from the brother

-          No dodgy, secret and weird meetings outside the university or coffee place

-          No exchanging of pictures or phone calls

-          No naughtiness : p

Good things you find in this scenario:

-          Tawakkul in Allaah (swt)

-          A determined & well-prepared ‘plan’

-          Good information regarding what he is putting himself into

-          Honest & genuine approach

Scenario 2 will be published shortly inshallaah.

Marrying someone back home

Assalam 'Aleikum everyone,

Recently, two friends of mine married someone from 'back home' & I thought I would discuss the advantages & (potential) disadvantages of such a marriage.

Marrying someone ‘back home’ is starting to sound more appealing especially when I look at the state of brothers in the UK (see next post inshallaah) and here’s a quick list of the positive + negative points I came up with, feel free to add on in the comment section.

Positive Points:

-          Usually people ‘back home’ when they are religious are deeply religious, that’s something I noticed. They usually memorise the Qur’an at a young age & with tajweed, they usually have a good grasp of Arabic (depending where the country is), they have a good level of worship, in short, they tend to be serious with the deen. They are not stuck in the ridiculous debates we have been stuck in for the past 10yrs; they tend to be far-sighted & more humble. (Notice how I've used the word ‘usually’ 3 times in a row? I stress on the fact that not everyone is necessary like that.)

-          For brothers, well, the sisters ‘back home’ tend to be amazing chefs so I guess that’s a relief for most of you. They also tend to be good house-keepers, usually very shy women as well (something that sisters in the West are losing sadly). They’re also mature & you’d see a sister as young as 16 able to do so many things and be ready to be a mother. They don't moan too much and usually easily contented.

-          If you want to leave the West & its mad lifestyle and always wished to return to your homeland, the idea of marrying ‘back home’ might sound very attractive. Life ‘back home’ is sweet, stress-free and you genuinely feel at home and at peace.

-          People ‘back home’ obviously have good knowledge of the culture of the country so if you’ve always wanted your future children to know about your culture, then this might be a good solution. (A lot of people nowadays think that culture = bid'ah but I don't agree with this equation. Yes, in some cases the culture is in blatent opposition with Islam however, in other cases the culture & the deen go hand-in-hand.)

-          For sisters, I think most men from ‘back home’ are ‘real’ men who have gheerah (good jealousy) for their women, who protect them and take care of them. Many men in the West have real issues & don’t care about the women of their families let alone their wives. I have heard of many cases where the woman provides for the husband & is the one who pays the rent & brings the bread to the table (you may think: 'maybe the husband is ill or disabled? No, the husband is physically fit) -_- this would be an unimaginable scenario back home.

-          Mostly, the religious young people ‘back home’ have been preserved from the fitan of shamelessness/nakedness/free mixing/nightclubs or the rest of it & tend to be traditional in the way they behave, dress, act.. That’s a very strong advantage especially when you compare to the confused state of many young people in the West who are struck between their parents & their ‘high-school/university’ mates.

Negative Points:

-          Language Barrier: if you can’t speak your mother tongue fluently & the person ‘back home’ isn’t that fluent in English then misunderstandings will be very frequent. I mean, imagine you tell them a joke & they get angry at you because they misunderstood the joke or they ask you something & you have no idea what they’re asking. Communication is THE key for a successful marriage and language is THE way to communicate so make sure the two of you can easily understand one another before ‘tying the knot’.

-          Cultural Clash: yeah this is another big potential risk to bear in mind. They have traditions & ways to deal with things back home which can be extremely different from the way we deal things here in the West. You might want some privacy but back home, it’s natural to have family or extended members or people you’ve never heard of coming in & out of your house, it’s normal. If you have no prior knowledge of things like that then patience is a must.

-          Sisters: if you marry someone ‘back home’ then be careful because some of them just want that passport/visa/green card, I won’t generalise but you’ve probably heard of those cases where once the guy comes here, he divorces the sister without any reason so be careful.

-          In terms of religion, yeah there are some very dodgy beliefs out there. Many people ‘back home’ are very confused in their Aqeedah, believing in all sorts of tales & stories so make sure you speak to the potential partner regarding all these. Some people may have memorised the Qur’an yet commit shirk so easily (sometimes without realising).

Sometimes, people decide to marry someone from 'back home' as a chance to catch the 'last carriage of the train' but I don't think that's correct. Regardless, Allaah [swt] knows where everyone's destiny lies so for everyone who had never thought about this posibility, then why not give it a chance?

Subhanaka Allaahouma astaghfirullaah wa atubu ilayk

ps: For those who keep asking why I have this blog: I like analysing these topics but purely from a theoretical viewpoint so as to get the best deal when the time is right ^_^ (this is an answer for all those who think I have something on the corner.. you know who you are :p).

The Wedding Party (Walimah)

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Assalam 'Aleykum,

Let's imagine Sister X finally found the right Brother Y, the two families are happy, the mahr has been reasonably fixed (keyword: 'reasonably'), the day carefully chosen, the people informed and invitations sent out .. in other words, all is ready & set for the B.I.G Day.          ^.^

No doubt, the wedding day is most probably one of the most nerve-wracking experiences a woman or a man will ever go through, just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. But, as everything else in this religion of ours, this matter has also regulations & limits, there are ways to turn this day into the most beautiful day of your life or to turn it into a day where the shayateen are dancing & eating at your wedding.
This post will be essentially addressing the issues sisters commonly face, as for brothers usually their side is quite easy to handle; I mean they just eat, greet the groom, listen to a short khutbah, a quick du'a, nikkah pronounced and deal is done right? But the bride .. has to go through a whole bunch of steps before joining the compagny of her new husband..

              Things to DO at your Walimah:

1) BE in CHARGE or appoint a trustworthy person to be in CHARGE
Many religious sisters genuiely want to have a simple, quiet and sunnatic wedding party but sadly her family is not really hearing it from her. The bride rarely has a (big) choice during the actual walimah to have a say in what's being played or what's being said. She should just sit there & smile as widely as possible and let the people in charge do the things.. but who exactly is in charge? Is it the aunty who brought that singer for the night? Or is it that cousin who's video-recording everything?    ''/
Months or weeks prior to the Walimah, the sister should put things clear to the table with her closest family & tell them what SHE really wants. Someone has to be in charge during that evening, so make sure you choose someone you know can push back those ladies who might be complaining about the religiosity of the walimah. Someone who is on the same level as you with regards to the religion (who agrees with your ideas). Don't let other people (even though they're family) ruin your night by doing things you don't agree with. Be firm and place your trust in Allaah.

2) An Islamic Reminder/Lecture
Yes! This is so important & yet so neglected. It feels weird to go to a wedding where no mention of Allaah has been made, it's just wrong for people to gather at a place & leave without mentioning Allaah and sending salaam upon the Prophet 'aleihi salaam. In an authentic hadith, the Prophet 'aleihi salaam actually compared such people as people who have been sitting around a dead donkey. (check full narrations at the end of the post). So, definetely make some time for an islamic reminder(s).. give it a good half-an-hour or even an hour, why not? The only issue is that usually when the speaker starts with the khutbahtu-l hajja 'Inna-l hamdu lilaahi nahmaduhu wa...' the women start talking, looking, moving around & it gets very chattery. Make sure the person who will be delivering the lecture is someone who can make people sit back & shut their mouths for that time. Also, the person you will be appointing in charge will also have the responsability to maintain the calm and quietness during the reminder.

Today, I was listening to a program called 'Kursi-l Ulamah' and the speaker asked a question to the audience saying: 'Who knows where the Prophet 'aleihi salaam was when he told the sahaba regarding the lenghy hadith on the Intercession on Yawmu-l Qiyamah?' The audience gave different answers, I thought to myself: 'probably at a graveyard, after a burial' but I was wrong.
The Prophet 'aleihi salaam mentioned this to his companions during a  ...... Walimah!
SubhanAllaah, even during a joyous event such as this, he would remind his dear companions about the real Life, the real test, the real Akhira that's about to come.

3) Give Sadaqa!
Surely, I think we all want to have successful marriages with lots of pious children, great spouses ect..
So why do we not consider giving (more) than we used to for this occassion? I know sometimes after all the expenses the families go through, between: the hall, the dresses, the food, the new house, this and that.. it seems like everyone forgot about giving some sadaqah out?! Check this hadith out, reported by Abu Huraira from the Prophet 'aleihi salaam who said: 'The worst food is that of a wedding banquet to which only the rich are invited while the poor are not invited.' (Bukhari)
If you happen to live in the West, we don't really see poor people so I suggest you send some amount of money back home or anywhere Muslims are struggling with food as sadaqah on the occassion of your wedding, so that by the Permission of Allaah you will not be amongst those who forget the poor.

4) No men strolling in
This is extremely annoying. There's always that one or two weirdoes that turn up to a female-only walimah gathering (what an irony!) especially if it's in a hall. One way of getting rid of them could be to have some people placed at the entrance kicking them out or an uncle who can take them elsewhere! Sometimes, the owners of the hall (men) want to remain inside to supervise the event -__-  Other times, surprise surprise .. the waiters are male! It's very rare to have a 100% male free walimah unless you do it at a house because otherwise you really need to be very organised. You seriously don't want to take the risk that a man sees you uncovered before your own husband </3 especially when you were a hidden pearl all your life. The amount of time I have attended weddings where the bride is a religious sister yet on the night, there's a weirdo that comes in & she is on the platform for everyone to admire :s outch!
Once a sister was like: 'Please someone hide me!' 
It's sad and heartbreaking. So, organisation is of crucial importance.

5) No music
Yes, this is obvious but I thought it needs to be reminded again & again. Marriage is a way to get closer to Allaah [swt], it's worship, it's sunnah, it's good.. so why corrupt it from the very first night with music? As I mentioned above, in many cases, music is played against the sister's will and she is almost induced into it :( but she must take responsabilies and plan ahead. Also, sisters if you're invited to a wedding and music is being played.. give your salams/duas to the bride and hit home asap. What if you die in that place? Plus, a believer will never bear to stand to stay in that place..
Now, yeah the whole debate with nasheed also comes in here right? Some sisters have found nasheeds as an alternative to keep a festive & jolly atmosphere that evening .. InshAllaah this topic in itself is very lenghty & deserves a post by itself. Plus, I am myself, questionning this practice at the moment so once I have taken a position 'ala baseera (with knowledge + evidences) I will share my views with you all.

6) No Pictures
Arghhh! This is the WORST part of the walimah, when everyone takes their smartphones with the latest flash integrated and 'flash flash flash' at the Bride & bridesmaids. (by the way, quick advice: never ever be a bridesmaid! Unless you want to be exposed to half the world) Once again, what can the poor bride do on the night do stop this? Not much :( This is one of the most important things to be discussing when planning the walimah. I suggest if you are going to be sending invitations (which I think is very cute) to include in BIG BOLD Letters that absolutly no flash photography will be tolerated (write in your mother tongue language too). I'm sure few will still be tempted to take pictures and here the people you will have appointed will be your saviours that night and stop them from doing so. There might be one or two stubborn aunties who will say: 'What do you mean? I've known this girl since she was born, she's like my daughter, I have to have her picture. Don't you think she looks superb? Move away'  -__-
It can be intimidating but who cares! Your preservation is more important!!! Do not let other people walk over you or you will be bitterly regretting it otherwise.

7) Early walimah means you get to see your prince charming early
I don't understand why the women's gatherings are so late at night, almost when the last third of the night is there & Allaah [swt] descends at the lowest sky and asks: 'Who is there who is asking of Me that I may give him?..' you know that beautiful hadith right? What an irony isn't it?
I mean, women leaving their homes, late at night, wearing make-up, perfums, all sorts of beautiful things and going out to a hall... surely there is a better way than this? This is a bad habit we've developped and it needs to be rectified. If you don't usually leave your house late at night then why would you do it for your wedding? Easier said than done. But I believe it would take a few sisters to introduce earlier weddings for others to follow in this goodness. So, imagine the bride comes in at 10.30-11pm (after a long day) she's tired/nervous/hot/irritated, by the time it's over she's just even more nervous & exhausted and the poor dude has been waiting outside for so long, stressed out, panicking so much so that he's got no nails left!!!! (brothers, please do not bite off your nails, it's so ugly)

8) Wear appropriate clothing
Even though you're the bride, it doesn't mean you're not meant to dress modestly. Your 'awrah is still the same, it hasn't changed. And yes there's an 'awrah to keep even between muslima-2-muslima. Keep your dress beautiful, flowy, long and covering you modestly. Modest = beautiful. In terms of beautification, sisters the best beauty is the one of the heart (seriously) so do not approach those fake things, namely: fake nails, fake hair extensions, fake eyelashes, fake skin color (by using bleaching creams) because at the end of the day, all these will be coming OFF  & the real YOU will be there when Mr. Y will see you; so be natural and do not put yourself under the curse of the Prophet 'aleihi salam.

Ibn Mas`ud (May Allah be pleased with him) said: Allah has cursed those women who practise tattooing and those women who have themselves tattooed, and those women who get their hair removed from their eyebrows and faces (except the beard and the mustache), and those who make artificial spaces between their teeth for beauty, whereby they change Allah's creation. [Bukhari & Muslim]

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are many more way of turning your Walimah into a great evening, filled with unforgettable moments with your loved ones. May Allaah [swt] guide us to strive for what pleases Him.

Subhanaka Allaahmouma astaghfirullaah wa atoubu ilayk.

PS: Here are the ahadith about the importance of having an islamic lecture/reminder @ your walimah:

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "No people sit in a gathering in which Allah Almighty is not mentioned and in which their Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, is not blessed without it being a cause of great diminishment for them. If He likes, He will punish them, and if He likes, He will forgive them." [at-Tirmidhi]

Abu Hurayra stated that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "No people rise from a gathering in which they do not mention Allah Almighty without it being like rising from the carcass of a donkey and they regret it." [Abu Dawud]

*Bismillaahi rahmani Rahim, can everyone hear me??*

*grabs dusty mike, blows dust off*
 *tap,tap,tap*  -achoum!-

*Bismillaahi rahmani Rahim, can everyone hear me??*

 Okay:

Assalam 'Aleikum everyone,

I can't remember the last time I logged onto the blog so today I decided to check some of the comments left by our readers and mashAllaah you guys have definetly pushed me to make a GRAND return *hehehe* this will be fun!

I know I have said this before but this time I'll try to be as regular as possible with the posts ;) but you have to understand that there are days (or months) where this topic is the LAST thing you have on your mind (yes seriously I promise).

Here's a quick list of the topics I will be looking at in the next posts inshAllaah:

*drum roll*

1) The Wedding Party (or shall I say the night club party?)

2) Brothers don't have patience! (this one will be heavy, please take parecetamol beforehand. Shukran)

3) Sisters' dilemma: the husband or the friends

4) My friend's advise & reflection

5) How to take maximum advantage of your celibacy? (positive attitude)
6) What is romanticism in Islam?

= )


I would like to take this opportunity to remind you all that UmmMua'd & myself are *not* scholars nor professionals in the field of zawaj (although we may sound like some) but we use this platform to discuss this important topic with humor (it helps so much) and also with the Islamic etiquettes &  respect.

The opinions we hold are usually personal (lol) and we are not forcing anyone to agree with us, you can share your own views in the comment section so long as it's islamically correct.


May Allaah guide us to the actions that please Him the most and grant us sincerity in words & deeds.



Stay tuned & thanks for your Sabr.

How to say NO! to a brother

Bismillaah.

Sister, if you feel as if you do not wish to marry him, or get to know him at all - then you need to learn how to say NO! 


Now, without even knowing it I am currently raising my eyebrow. I myself am not as assertive as my fellow sisters who will kindly tell a brother to get lost. Before I get refuted, I'd like to emphasize that I am not encouraging sisters to say no to every single Tom, Dick and Ahmed who approaches them for marriage. No, not at all. I am teaching my lovely sisters (and myself) that actually this is how you tell a brother. 'NO! No akhi, may Allah bless you, I have prayed istikhara, done my research and received advice therefore I am not looking to be your wife. Thank you'. Maybe the capital NO with the ! on the end comes across as a little aggressive. Don't be aggressive sister, don't shout scream or tip toe.

1) Be assertive yet calm and collective. Please do not get over emotional when you reject a marriage proposal. Everyone (your family, his family, and him) will think something triggered it, like a horrible childhood experience or something.  Be calm yet assertive, you do not wan't to marry him so do not let any one try and manipulate or persuade you into it if you have made your final decision.

2) Explain why you are not interested. Pretty straight forward.

3) Don't lie. Please. Don't tell him the fabricated story about how you had made plans to marry a cousin living in Pakistan way before you had even met him and that once married, you and your cousin are planning to head to Thailand to become hotel labourers and live happily ever after. Besides it's haram to lie, so don't go there.

4) Show consideration. Don't just be rude or vague about it. Mention his good points and make duaa for him in private. Saying no - inevitably- deflates his ego. Last thing you want to do is deflate his whole self worth and self confidence. Believe me, some men are emotional like that.

5) Bring Islamic evidence. Make it clear that although you have refused him for marriage, you know that you are allowed to reject him i.e your decision is supported by evidences from Qur'aan and Sunnah, as it is permissible for a woman/man to reject someone for a number of reasons.

However I want to stress that denying a brother for ridiculous, superficial, tribalistic, nationalistic reasons is very dangerous and for you to deny a brother there must a really good reason behind for it.

So if the reason behind your choice is..er..reasonable, just say NO! (refer to above post for guidelines on how to say it)