Will you marry me? And my mother, father, sister, uncle and aunt?

Bismillahi rahmani raheem,

Imagine if somebody asked you that, "Asalamu alaikum, would you be interested in marrying my entire family? I mean they're good people and all, who wouldn't wan't to marry them? So yeah, let me know if you're interested!" - I am pretty sure the majority of us would be left horrified after such an encounter. Perhaps some of us would even be flicking through Bukhari or Muslim trying to find a hadeeth which you could use to refute the marriage proposal. Or maybe, you'd say yes to marrying this persons entire family (because you're clever!)

Many of us become fixated on marrying just an individual. Yes, fine, you are going to have one spouse. It's going to be you and them living together, planning out your lives together and starting a family together insha Allah. There are only two people in a marriage (in most cases), right?

Well no. There isn't. When you're looking to marry somebody, you have to remember that this person did not land on Earth from Planet Beautiful. This person is a daughter or a son, a niece or a nephew, a granddaughter or a grandson. They belong to a family, and when you marry them, you marry the family. Now, don't plan on purchasing a massive bed for the extended family to sleep with you in - that would be disturbing and unislamic. But what I'm trying to get at here is, a lot of people before they get married, particularly the men, they tend to forget that the sister would like you to interact with her family. Go out with her father, do some food shopping with her mother, play on the play-station with her brother, paint her little sisters nails (OK, going too far) You get where I'm going though, right? Don't expect your wife-to-be to constantly entertain your parents, if you're not doing the same for her. I'm not encouraging rebellion in any way, what I'm saying is her family becomes your family and his family becomes yours. All one, no favoritism, no discrimination.

I am not suggesting that everybody should live with their in-laws and visit them 24/7. I know my parents want me out of the house as soon as I get married, so visiting them every single day would probably annoy them. However, I'm advising us Muslims to uphold the ties of kinship. Don't break away from your parents just because you get married. Come on, your mama been there for you since day!

5 Signs He's Just Not That Into Marrying You

Bismillaahi Rahmani Raheem,

We know we went missing for a while and for all those who were worried about us, we are alive and well alhamdulilah. We know it's Valentines today and that is not why we're posting, it was just a coincidence really.

Anyyywaaaay, so there's a brother who says he would like to get married to you. You're getting mixed messages from him even though he claims to be serious about it. Well here are a few things you should watch out for:

1) He has no plans to visit your father/wali, just yet 

If the brother has approached you & you sent him back, asking for him to contact your wali and his response has been quasi non-existant then, he's probably not that into you to have the guts and man-up to meet your father. The most common excuse is that: 'he needs time to get his head round visiting your wali.' Okay we understand visiting your father will probably be the most nerve wracking experience of his life (fathers can be scary), yes, but to avoid meeting your wali is in NO WAY acceptable.
How does he expect you to get married? After months or even years in a haram relationship?
Tell this brother to get outta here. He's not serious and definitely not ready for marriage.

2) He's not working nor planning to get any sort of income to support his wife-to-be

If the brother doesn't work nor is his father some rich millionaire nor is he willing to find a job, then I'm afraid it's not looking good at all! It's one thing struggling to find a job but quite another *if* he's not planning to start working. It suggests that he is not concerned about providing for his wife to be.
Allaah (swt) clearly says 'Men are the maintainers of women' in Surah Baqarah. So, if he isn't fulfilling this role, let him not put himself in the shoes of a man. A guy who 'really' cares will try his best, at any cost.

Note: seriously brothers, if you're not fit to marry then do not start something upon nothing. It's her right to be provided for.

3) He's coming empty handed at every meeting

If he does come over to your house for more than 5 times and he hasn't bothered bringing a little gift (to show that he cares) for either you, your mother or your siblings, something's not quite right there. Whatever happened to the old school habits of bringing a girl flowers or chocolates? Women like that old school stuff. In actual fact, guess what?! This brother expects you to give him a gift for the time he spent with you: 'So, sister, where's my attar?' There's something really odd there.. A man who truly cares about a potential wife-to-be, will do everything & anything he can to show that he really cares. Even if that includes putting the hand in that small pocket of his.

Attention: we are not at all promoting gold digging or materialism. Not at all.

4) He's got lost on the way

If the brother comes in, lowering his gaze, sits, looks at you and then whispers some words which sound like :A'thubilaah, astarfirullah' and then doesn't lift his head up. Or, if he is looking at the wall behind you or admiring the carpet instead of listening to you then I think the brother maybe hasn't got the right house.
Or, if he likes you but you're thinking: 'eerr, why have you got a blue sock and a grey one? No, no wait, why are there 5 holes in each sock?'
Or perhaps you're trying to figure out what color his khamees is: is it white? or some greyish/browinsh.. what the heck?' Right, I suggest both go their different ways, first impressions are always important!

5) He's always boasting about how many sisters want to marry him

If the brother starts the conversation by telling you how sisters always try to marry him (note: sisters run after this brother; miskeen), and he tells you how just on his way to your house, two sisters asked his number and he was like: 'Sorry sis, but I'm meeting another sister right now but if you want to book an appointment for 5 o'clock I can do that. Ask your wali innit.' This brother has a very busy schedule, maybe a bit too busy for you . Furthermore, it's a *major* mistake to mention any other female name in the first meetings, gentlemen: please write that down if you want a second meeting.

BONUS:- If in addition to ALL this, he mentions his urgent desire to marry another wife right after you (bearing in mind all of these situations), then Ladies I have one word of advice: this is the 'good talker' type of man. Once you detect the symptoms, you should run away far from him. We mean it, run fast. Even if it means pulling up your abaya and taking off your shoes to run fast.

Brothers, stop doing this! This applies to even you, Mr Pious!

Bismillaahi rahmanir raheem

Last night I had a phone conversation with a close friend which left me quite annoyed. Annoyed slash angry slash disappointed. Our conversation ended with a topic which left a sour taste in my mouth. Now, instead of going on a full blown rant about this certain 'thing' which a significant amount of brothers tend to do, I will illustrate to you a scenario and perhaps that will be a more effective way to make you understand what I am trying to tell you here.

The scenario:

Sa'diyah is 20. She comes from a good Islamic family and has been brought up well. She has for her whole life abstained from premarital relationships, friendships with the opposite gender, she covers in hijab and tries her best to keep her gaze lowered.

A brother who attends the same university as Sa'diyah, has become interested in marrying her and quite rightly so, she appears to be a chaste woman. Unable to get to her parents, he lets her know that he is interested in meeting her wali. Sa'diyah agrees and tells the brother she will inform her parents.

The brother admits he would have preferred to speak to her wali directly instead of having to speak with Sa'diyah before hand. The encounter between Sa'diyah and the brother, Yahya, is sift. No long conversation, no chit chat. She gives her father's name, phone number and the masjid he attends. Yahya thanks her and says he will contact her wali. End of conversation.

Sa'diyah has never been proposed to, therefore it's her first time that she realises a man is attracted to her deen and her beauty. There are a million thoughts and emotions running through Sa'diyah's head and heart. She is absolutely flattered, she's excited, she's nervous, she cannot believe a brother is interested in her, she feels beautiful, she wants to begin a family, she wants to be the perfect wife and she wishes also to be the perfect mother. You get the picture, this is a virgin girl who is about to get to know a man.

Sa'diyah now wishes to tell her parents beforehand, that a brother will call her father and visit them. This is one of the most difficult things ever that she has to do. She has never spoken to her parents about marriage, let alone spoken about men! She is their little girl, their innocent little girl and now she has to tell them she 'wants' a man?! Sa'diyah is overridden by nerves and feels her heart in her throat.

She doesn't know where to begin. How to tell them. Does she tell her mother, then her father or does she sit them both down and tell them together? How should she say it? What if they assume she spends her time at university speaking unlawfully with brothers all the time? What if they are disgusted by her? What if they say no?

Despite feeling sick, she eventually plucks up the courage to tell her parents. She tells her mother first. Her mother's reaction is surprise. Sa'diyah then regrets it and tells her mother not to inform her father because now she is reconsidering if she even wishes to get married any more. Sa'diyah's mother doesn't listen and tells her father. Again, you get the picture. This is one of the most embarrassing, scary, uneasy encounters a young woman will have with her parents.

You now know what it feels like to be Sa'diyah. Well not exactly, but you have some sort of insight now.

The brother,Yahya decides that he keeps quiet and doesn't call the father. For various reasons, he has yet to be 100% sure if he is ready for a wife, he is having 2nd thoughts, etc etc.

A lot of brothers tend to do this nowadays. They tell a sister they wish to marry her, she tells her parents asap - especially if the brother is a stranger to her parents and she doesn't want to proceed unlawfully. Yet brothers leave the sister to confront her parents with one of the toughest things ever she has to do in her unmarried life, and suddenly the brother is taking his time or disappears completely!

Please stop this brothers. If you wish to marry a sister then make sure that your words are followed up by actions. Not only do you humiliate the sister by leaving her parents asking her endless questions about when you will turn up but you hurt her feelings too.

Brother, if you want a sister to speak with her wali make sure that you will certainly VISIT or CALL. There is nothing worse you can do than to humiliate a chaste sister. Indeed actions are judged by intentions, however we must follow up our intentions with action. Sa'diyah and Yahya are quite obviously fictional characters, yet ask our sisters today if they been through something as similar to Sa'diyah's situation, a significant amount will say yes. And how do sisters view brothers who do this? To put it bluntly, they are cowards.

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I want a Sheikh!

Assalam 'Aleikum all,

I know I'm a roll lately - but blogging is fun and this topic is jokes so ya'll forgive me 'ey!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh? Like.. a Sheikh with the voice of Shuraim, the khushu' of Budair, the deepness of voice of Hudhaify, who can make beautiful duas like Sudais, with the emotion of Muhaisini?!      For real!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh with deep understanding of the very complicated areas of fiqh. Like if she asks him: What's the ruling on X or Y ; well he's straight: 'Qalaa Allaah wa Qalaa Rasuul..' [Allaah said, the Prophet said..]

• They want a Sheikh who has knowledge of ahadiths and who could narrate the Seerah to her as her bedtime story. (I'm serious) 'So, Habibti, the Battle of Tabuk happened and the troops got ready.. hbiba, wake up I'm not finished.. ZzzZz'..                             Beautiful!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who will softly -I said softly- sprinkle droplets of water on her gentle little face to wake her up for Qiyaam-ul Layl every evening? Not only that, but since he's a hafiz.. well he can read the nice long surahs of the Glorious Qur'an with a soothing recitation that humbles the nafs to the max.      Awesome right?

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who also has a good profession [£ + $ = kerching!!!] and who can provides well for her. They want a Sheikh who's up-to-date with the latest technologies and can text whilst driving single-handedly and with his elbow on the window side.    You know what I mean!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who attends all 5 prayers in the masjid (YES! Even the Fajr salaah), looking boom in his Khamis with a miswaak in the mouth and reciting the adkaar when going to and from the masjid.            Mashallaah!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who can sometimes surprise her at the most unexpected of times and not just bring flowers at home. Something like: 'Here's your tickets for Hajj my dear'      How romantic!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who is fluent in 'arabic and jungles between the 'Na'am', 'Ya3ni, Ya3ni' and 'Hayakallaah wa Barakallaah Feekum wa Jazakumullaah Kheiran Kathiran'     Ya3ni The language is important!

• Why is it that all sisters want a Sheikh who is respectful, honest, kind-hearted, romantic, humble, generous, patient ect..ect.. I'm afraid the list is very Long indeed.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

Because, we dream too much :-p       *Wakey wakey* Such an individual probably does Not exist and even if he does, then he's probably somewhere faaaar! So, let's not make our expectations high especially when you, yourself are struggling with the minimum. There's nothing wrong in having minimum expectations, but please nothing like what I've mentioned above because it's just fairyland. I know, we all wish it was true.. I know! In Jannaah bi-ithnilaah if we make it we'll have all that and much more!

PS: When I'm saying 'Sheikh' I do not mean it in the literal meaning of the word which means: Old man but in the religious sense: someone knowleageable


Umm.Z

Appearances CAN be Deceiving!

This is a deep statement so let's take a few minutes to think over it inshallaah: 'Appearances can be deceiving'.

^^Aaah, *the dream*

I believe most of us if not all, when we pass by a sister fully covered in dark clothings, layers upon layers with just eyes left to be seen or just a face, we feel impressed, we feel amazed and maybe we whisper dua for her whilst walking by (I know I do). Similarly, when we see a brother who's beard is just outstandingly well-oiled and his khamis amazingly well-ironed and above the ankles with a beautifully tied 'imamaah; we immediately feel shy (for sisters) and we all want him (sisters anyway lol).

So when it comes to Zawaj, well it's not a secret that all the sisters want the prototype I've described above with differences varying from one to another BUT under any circumstance the beard's gotta be there and highly visible if possible. Also, for brothers, one of the first questions is always: 'Does she wear this? Or does she wear that?' She wears a blue jilbab?! Naah, she aint good then'. Oh yes, I've heard of that!

Now, let's hold on a second or two..

WHY are these outside appearances so crucial to us when marrying someone? Since WHEN do clothes tell you what kind of person you are? HOW can clothes say how practising one is? I personally believe it dangerous to give that much importance to 'clothes'. Na'am, I agree that as one becomes more knowledgeable and more aware of the Deen then there comes along a change in his/her style of clothing. Fair enough: for sisters, usually the change consists in longer and looser clothes and for brothers, well looser clothes too and a beard does the job I guess.

 In all honesty, I get absolutly thrilled when I see my brothers & sisters dressed according to the teachings of the Qur'an & Sunnah, I feel proud.  However, I find it disturbing when you ask Sister X for what she looks for in a brother and her answer is: A beard or An 'Imamaah. 0_o    Hellooo?

Okay now, let's read this narration by Sahl Bin Sa'd as Sa'idi [R.A] who said: Once while the Prophet sallaah Allaah aleihi wa salaam was sitting with some of his companions, a man passed by them. The Prophet salaah Allaahu aleihi wa salaam asked one of his companions: 'What do you think of this man?' Some of them said: 'This is from among the noble people. By Allaah, if he seeks marriage, he will be married; and if he intercedes, his intercession will be granted.' The Prophet sallaah Allaahu aleihi wa salaam didn't say anything. Another man then passed by them, and the Prophet asked again: 'What do you think of this man?' Some of them said: 'This is one of the poor Muslims. It is expected that if he seeks marriage, he will not be married; if he intercedes, his intercession will not be granted: and if he speaks, no one will listen to him.'


Allaah's Messenger sallaah Allaahu 'aleihi wa salaam then said:

'This man is better than an earth-full of the likes of the other man.'

[Bukhari &Muslim] 

Subhanallaah, with just this *one* narration, we see how appearances are NOT everything. This man who from outside seemed poor and maybe not so good-looking is much better than the noble, probably rich and good-looking one. There's a lesson here for us to take. I'm sure we're all pretty much well aquainted with the ahadith mentionning what we should look for in a woman and in a man. For the woman, 'choose the one with deen and manners and you'll be successful' as for the man, 'when a man with good character and deen comes, do not refuse him' [Quickly summarised, you can always check the full narrations inshallaah]

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters do not be deceived by looks: there's no guarantee that this beautifully veiled sister prays Qiyaam-Layl everynight, nor is there any guarantee that this beautifully bearded brother is a hafiz of the Glorious Qur'an. Also, another humble advise of mine: 'Do not expect too much' and inshallaah I aim to dedicate a post on this topic soon, but do not expect what you, yourself don't do.

If I was to give you a confidence, I've always thought brothers who cannot grow a beard or only have a small beard are more sincere?  And perhaps more humble because no one really realises they're practising, it's between them & Allaah. Whereas when your beard can be seen miles away, people know the 'Sheikh is in town' so better be careful not to let riya cripping in.  I know it's a generalising comment and possibly not true but it's something I've always held for truth. Not that it matters much anyway.

All the best!

Umm.Zaid

Culture vs Deen

Assalam 'aleikum waRahmatulaah waBarakatuh,

Wow- it has really been a long time since I last posted and wrote on here. My apologies everybody, I know we should try to keep posting regularly and we'll try our best to keep up with the rhythm, particularly myself.

I know many of you guys have suggested possible topics we could write about, and tonight I've chosen to talk about a sensitive issue which everybody to an extent is affected by in their lives. The issue of Culture vs Deen. We find 'culture' creeping into our lives but weirdly enough, even more so when it comes to Zawaj. So, what are we to do?

Now, I'm not saying all cultures are wrong and that it's all against our Deen but we cannot deny that in most cases, a part of it is in opposition to our Deen which makes it hard for young people desiring to make Zawaj among other things all halal to proceed with. Okay, let me give you some examples:

1) Sometimes because of culture, the girl's voice and choice are not considered at all in the most extreme cases. Almost as though, she's not the one getting married but her father, uncle or brother is. The dowry is not handed over to her, nor is she given the choice of what she wants as her mahr. This is a clear violation of the Deen and this type of culture should be not be tolerated. Let's see what Our Lord Allaah [swt] says regarding this:

“And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr with a good heart.”
[al-Nisa’ 4:4] 

When we are confronted with something like this where the culture is in blatent conflict with the Deen, there's no negotiations which should be entered and once you know the Truth it is Your duty as a Muslim, to speak against it, to stand up and denounce it. Use hikmah, use patience and use all tools necessary to make yourself heard and perform Jihad [struggle]. By the way, from among the difference types of Jihad, one of its highest branches is to speak a word of truth in front of a tyrant ruler. Imagine yourself in that scenario and try your best.

2) Sometimes because of culture, parents seem to be the thoughest barrier to overcome. In most cases, they got married back home at a time where the Deen wasn't the most important thing in the different societies they lived in. They met in various circumstances, met up, joked and studied together before making the choice to marry. So, for them that's their criterion and if you, as their child turn up and say: 'Erm, I don't want to do that' well, be ready to have your reasons backed up with dalils and ayaats because trust me, you'll be questioned!

3) Sometimes because of culture, marriage and wedding ceremonies are just too much hassle for young people. The expenses are way too high and some may even start to think that it's not such a good idea to get married because you'll be so much in debt. It seems as though most of culture is negative and contradicts most of what our beautiful Deen stands for. Look at what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of marriage is that which is made easiest.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ Subhanallaah, can you get clearer than this?

These are just a few examples that came up to me, however I'm sure there's more and we'd like to hear from you inshallaah.

'Deen vs Culture': a dilemma, a challenge faced by us as young Muslims living in the West. I've realised that this conflict is most apparant when it comes to freemixing and marriage. In those two cases, it's a heachache trying to tell Mom or Dad that: 'No, that uncle is not my mehram so I can't even shake his hand' or that ' No, she's my cousin, I can't drop her off on my own'.

Therefore it's our duty to educate ourselves and then to pass on that knowledge to our parents & families in the best of manners. Now, culture can also be good and it is not always to be rejected as long as it doesn't override our Islamic principles. Nikkah for example, is one of the many aspects of the Arab culture which has been embraced in Islam and is a Sunnan of our beloved Prophet sallaah Allaahu 'aleihi wa salaam. Learn your culture but also learn your Deen and know what comes first and where does one stop and the other begin.

And Allaah [swt] knows best.
Umm.Zaid

Did my question offend you brother?

Bismillah.
Sister, have you ever felt like you want to ask your potential husband a question but feel as if he is going to be 'put off' if you do ask?
Brother, has a sister interested in marrying you ever offended you by asking the dreaded question?

"WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?"

Okay, so it might not be the most dreaded scariest question ever (especially if his job isn't an issue) but for some brothers and sisters it can be an uncomfortable question to raise.

I, for instance (like many other sisters) feel that if you do ask the above question, you might perhaps be labelled by your potential husband as a gold digger, or an individual who is more concerned about his wealth, status and job. Some sisters however feel that they have the right to ask and are most definitely not afraid to do so. Whereas there may be some shyer sisters, who imagine, that in his mind he is thinking:

"Oh so Umm Mus'ab, is my job more important that my eman?"

"Sister, you are judging me on my secular education, rather than my Islamic knowledge"

" You sisters these days, are so superficial. May Allah guide you all. Why does it matter if I work in a factory or work for a multimillionaire business?"

"Is this question really necessary? Instead of scrutinizing my taqwa (piety), you scrutinize my job title. Allahu akbar!"

It may be an uncomfortable question for some sisters to ask and for some brothers to answer, especially since the young alhamdulilah are deciding to adhere to the Sunnah and marry young. A young brother may not have got a great job with wonderful pay or he may not even have a job at all and just be in education, so did her question offend you brother?

Brother, make your money and then come to me! 

Us sisters love the hadeeth about 'Abdur-Rahman bin 'Auf and Sad bin Ar-Rabi' Al Ansari.When Abdur Rahman migrated Madinah with nothing a man of Ansar (Sad bin Ar-Rabi') offered to look after him, for the sake of Allah. Sad said that he would split half of his wealth with Abdur Rahman and would divorce one of his wives for him. The people of Ansar had shown great love to the Migrants from Makkah, after the Prophet had explained to them about brotherhood. Abdur Rahman kindly refused the offer and decided that he would make his own money and then get married.


- 'Abdur-Rahman replied, "May Allah bless you with your wives and property. Kindly show me the market." So 'Abdur-Rahman went to the market and gained (in bargains) some dried yoghurt and some butter. After a few days the Prophet saw Abdur-Rahman with some yellow stains on his clothes and asked him, "What is that, O 'Abdur-Rahman?" He replied, "I had married an Ansari woman." The Prophet asked, "How much Mahr did you give her?" He replied, "The weight of one (date) stone of gold." The Prophet said, "Offer a banquet, even with one sheep." (Bukhari) 1

But sister, remember hadeeth of the man who had nothing and married a woman, the mahr was only to teach her the Qur'an? 

This is a famous hadeeth and I know brothers must love quoting it when sisters try to go crazy about the dowry. This hadeeth is about a man who had nothing to give a woman that he wished to marry and after searching for things to give her Rasoolullah (SAW) said that the man should teach her the Qur'an


- So that man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart). When Allah's Apostle saw him going, he ordered that he be called back. When he came, the Prophet said, "How much of the Quran do you know?" He said, "I know such Sura and such Sura," counting them. The Prophet said, "Do you know them by heart?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Go, I marry her to you for that much of the Quran which you have."  (Bukhari)  2

Your potential husbands job may be an issue and you have every right to ask since he will be the provider of the household, but it becomes a problem when it is your biggest concern. When you put his job or career before anything else. And it becomes a disaster if you reject him because of this. We don't want the conversation between two potential partners to look like this:

Sister: Masha Allah, how much Qur'an have you memorized?

Brother: Alhamdulilah I have memorized from Juz Ama to Surah Ra'd 

Sister: Masha Allah, so what do you do for a living?

Brother: I am a primary school teacher. I teach Arabic.

Sister: Really? Cool. So what's the pay like?

Brother: Alhamdulilah it's not bad... 

Sister: So, can you afford to go on holidays?

Brother: Erm well, I am saving for a trip to Umrah in sha Allah

Sister: Okay, so you don't go on holidays regularly?

Brother: You know some times, it's quite expensive to go.

Sister: Hmm true. So were do you do your food shopping?

Brother: (laughs) Ermm at Walmart. Why does that matter?

Sister: You shop at Walmart?! Okay, sorry. I am not ready for marriage.

Do not spread fitnah my dear sisters! Part 2 coming soon in sha Allah.
---------------
1  Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 10 
 2 Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 24 (for full hadeeth)